GUILTY AS CHARGED '99

Okay, folks, here's how it's gonna go: I review a show, I give some opinion, I get criticised, you suggest shows, I do them, and so forth. Get it? Got it? Good. First up: Guilty As Charged '99. Ah, the days when ECW wasn't just three letters on that guy's cap.

-Executive Producer Paul "Importer Of Animal Porn" Heyman kicks us off, and gets all extreme, using naughty words like "shit" to tell us some guys are missing tonight.

-Joey handles intros, and a handy graphic tells us we are LIVE from Kissimmee, FL. Yes, THE Kissimmee, FL.

-Opening Credits.

Opening Match: Danny Doring/Roadkill Vs. The FBI (w/Big Don Tommy Rich, Big Guido & Fat Fuck Sal E. Graziano): Intros alone take forever here. Danny and Guido start, or rather, they get in the ring and stall some. Guido mouths off to the crowd, Danny does some muscle flexes, and this sucks. Finally a lockup, and a break. Guido slaps Danny and hugs Tracy, then they lock up again, and Danny forces Guido into the corner. Break, and to REALLY get it going, Danny complains about hair pulling. Lockup, headlock by Danny, off the ropes, and the ~DORING SHUFFLE~. Crowd boos-and "Big Balls" fires up. Well, THAT certainly woke up the crowd. Axl & Balls shuffle down the ramp and lead the crowd in a chorus of Big Balls, then Axl GETS THE STICK. He proclaims the match a "homosexual dance party", politely requests a three-way-dance, and IT'S ON, BAYBEE. Axl and Ballz brawl with Roadkill and Tracy on the floor, and Guido gets a sunset flip on Doring for two in the ring. They exchange blows, and Doring hits the floor from a backdrop. Guido dives off the apron and goes ribs-first to the guardrail, and Balls and Tracy have made it to the ring!

Balls hammers Tracy but chews on a heel kick, while Axl and Amish fight on the ramp. Tracy busts a move-and eats a Balls superkick. That gets two. Rydien bomb by Balls, and he clotheslines Tracy to the floor. Balls to the top-SUICIDE DIVE ONTO THE WHOLE FBI! THREE HUNDRED POUND FAT GUY SQUASHES ITALIANS! THERE'S YOUR HEADLINE, NEW YORK POST! Got carried away there, sorry. Axl and Roadkill in the ring, and Roadkill low blows Axl and gets an Avalanche. Charming "You Fuck Sheep" chant for Roadkill. Axl hits a clothesline for two, and Tracy breaks it up. Axl shoulderbocks Roadkill, but takes a sidewalk slam. Tracy back with elbows to Roadkill, but he gets powerslammed and takes a top-rope splash (damn impressive one, too) for a nearfall. Guido breaks it up, and Doring comes in with a Stroke for him. Bareback on Tracy, and a level-three legdrop. Guido comes off the ropes, but gets caught with the Lancaster Lariat O' Lust. Cover, but the Big Don is in with a flag shot to Doring, and a double fisherman's buster from the eye-talians eliminates Doring and Roadkill at 8:14. Axl comes in but gets tossed immediately, and Balls gets taken down with a double trip for two. They stomp Balls, double armwringer, double chops, double dropkick, and a Paisan double elbow for two. Guido gets a sleeper, but Balls murderises him with a belly-to-back and both guys tag out. Axl clotheslines both FBIs, and adds a double bionic elbow (mit groin thrust!), as Joey gives us "Dusty Rhodes". Nutcracker Suite and Severe Skull Trauma finishes for the well-hung guys at 10:43. Standard ECW opener. *3/4. Sal E. and Big Guido make menaces at Team Testicles, so they paste them with their chairs. And that's that.

-Terry Funk relates a wonderful tale about a jackass and a kitchen knife, then breaks down into Crazy Old Man mode. Damn Old Age Outlaws.

-Super Crazy (w/out pop) Vs. Yoshihiro Tajiri (w/out ring presence): Yes, this is THE match. Tajiri looks like a complete tool here. The personality-along with the mist, the cool pants, and the tousled hair-came with the heel turn later that year. The crowd is pretty harsh on both, booing them during the intros. My, how that would change. Lock-up, and a break on the ropes. Wristlock by Tajiri, Crazy with an armdrag, Tajiri with an armdrag, into a crucifix for a one-count. Crazy kicks him in the chest, snapmares him and gets La Majistral for one. Lock-up, headlock by Crazy, off the ropes, Tajiri with a leapfrog, and Crazy gets a swingin' DDT. He celebrates, so Tajiri wrings his arm and kicks him down to the mat. Stiff-ass kick to the face, and the dropkick of death. Tajiri takes a breather as Crazy swallows his teeth.

Crazy ducks another kick and they exchange slaps. Crazy with a kick, and Tajiri promptly dropkicks his legs out from under him. Another off the ropes, and Tajiri slaps on a rolling leg breaker. It gets a couple of two counts. Crazy kicks him in the face to break and sends Yoshi into the ropes-and Yoshi nails the handspring elbow. Crazy rolls to the floor, Tajiri with a baseball slide, and a BEEYOOTIFUL asai moonsault. Tajiri kicks Crazy from the apron, and slaps on the Tarantula, to a big pop. He breaks almost immediately, and Crazy rests on the floor.

He comes back in with a springboard dropkick that sends Tajiri to the floor, and hits a somersault tope! ~SWANK~! Crazy with a slam on the floor, and a railsault. Back in for the ~ROLLING INVERTED SURFBOARD~! That, of course leads to the dragon sleeper, and Crazy eventually breaks and elbowdrops his foe. Tajiri off the ropes, and he transforms a tilt-o-whirl into an armdrag to retake control. Dropkick to the knee and Crazy hits the floor again, so Tajiri SPLATS him with a top-rope plancha. Crowd are slowly but surely warming up to these guys as the match progresses.

Back inside, and a heel kick gets two for the Buzzsaw, but Crazy takes him down with a drop toehold and La Majistral for two. Another drop toehold, but Tajiri trips him and gets his own La Maj for a two. Crazy with chops in the corner, and Tajiri flips out of a German suplex, but Crazy hits a moonsault press for a nearfall. Dropkick sends Tajiri outside, and Crazy nails a corkscrew pescado. Sweet. Back inside and Crazy hits a missile dropkick and tornado DDT. Tajiri rolls through it to his feet, so Crazy knocks him down and hits the tornado inverted DDT for a two count. Crazy tries a powerbomb, which Tajiri turns into a DDT, but Crazy is up first. Corkscrew moonsault misses and Tajiri dropkicks him square in the face. Top rope sunset flip gets two. Level three rana, but Crazy rolls through for two. Crazy powerbomb for two. Another attempt, but Tajiri counters with his own into the rolling leg splits for two. Japanese airplane spin into a Dragon suplex gets the dukes for Tajiri at 11:38 of an absolutely BITCHIN' match. ****.

-John Kronus wanders out, doing the "psycho" routine he'd been pulling off since Saturn's departure, and apparently he has an opponent scheduled. Who is...Judge Jeff Jones. Hmm. Oh, wait, Jeff's got issues with Kronus (something about a 450 splash the previous week...)and says he's got a special executioner lined up for him tonight...

Kronus Vs. Sid: Stick a fork in Kronus, because he's DONE at 1:31 after a chokeslam through a table and a powerbomb. ½* for Kronus' bumping.

-Recap of the main event issues, including Taz "breaking Sabu's neck" at the ECW Arena. It also shows Taz's Tazmission Tazplex, which I wish he'd bust out more often because it RULES. Shane Douglas is VERY reminiscent of Triple H's old beret look in this package.

-Joey talks a little bit of this about that, and is rudely interrupted by Brother Joel Gertner in the ring, meaning it's time for the Dudleys. Joel gets a VERY long and VERY filthy intro of everyone in the ring-himself, Sign Guy, Big Dick and the brothers themselves-then Buh Buh issues an open challenge. And of course, the gunshot goes off...

-New Jack/Little Spike Dudley Vs. The Dudley Boyz: They pair off by race, and Jack and D-Von hit the floor while Spike pounds on Buh Buh in the ring. Rana out of the corner by Spike, and a tray shot gets a two count. A-choking we will go, and Buh Buh nails Spike coming off the ropes with a metal sheet. Buh Buh beats the crap out of Spike while Big Dick and D-Von work over New Jack on the floor. Buh Buh scoops Spike up-and press slams him into the crowd! Not as impressive as the Bammer match, but still...D-Von gets sent into the rail outside as Spike is helped back onto the entrance ramp. Buh Buh promptly picks him up and hurls him into the crowd again. D-Von gets whipped into the rail again as Spike smacks Buh Buh with a metal sheet on the ramp and pounds him. New Jack chokes out D-Von with a wire, then both faces get in the ring and grab guitars. The Duds grab a chair each, and it's high noon, baby.

The Duds duck stereo guitar swings and Big Dick slides in, so Spike clobbers him with a WICKED guitar shot. Big Dick no-sells, so New Jack gives him another cool one and he goes down. The Duds come back in with stereo chairshots, and Buh Buh beats on Spike some more. They toss New Jack to the ramp and give Spike a BRUTAL superbomb. New Jack takes out D-Von on the ramp and Buh Buh goes to help, but suffers the same fate. D-Von takes a swing at Jack and nails his brother instead, but they manage to get it together enough to pull off a screwed-up 3D on the ramp. Dick tries to chokeslam Spike in the ring but eats a low blow and an Acid Drop, and both Duds take the same when they get back in the ring. Spike goes for another on Dick, but he slams him in mid-flight, and the 3D finishes for the Boyz at 10:06. Okay brawl held together by "Natural Born Killaz" throbbing away in the background. *3/4. The beating continues after the match, as D-Von reads New Jack the Dudley Commandments and Buh Buh punctuates each with a chairshot, then the latter challenges the Public Enemy.

-Joey gives TPE the proverbial blow backstage, and intros a Rob Van Dam package, then tells us a challenger's been found for the Whole F'n Show...

-ECW Television Title Match: Lance Storm (w/Tammy Lynn Bytch) Vs. Rob Van Dam (w/Fonzie and half the ECW Tag Titles): Storm does a cookie-cutter heel promo before the match. RVD takes FOREVER to come out, and when he does, he's looking pretty stoned. Lotsa stalling to lick this one off, as Fonzie makes a nuisance of himself as only he can. Storm finally gets the ball rolling with a pie-face, and they lock up and exchange waistlocks. Van Dam gets an armdrag, reversed to a headscissors by Storm, who in turn gets rolled up for two. "Show Your Tits" chant for Ms. Bytch. Van Dam discusses strategy with Fonzie, and agrees to buy some new shit after the match, then gets an armdrag after a lockup. Lockup again and they break in the corner, then Storm goes to work on Van Dam's ribs. Irish whip is reversed and van Dam gets a ridiculously flippy-floppy monkey flip. Storm begs off and they go back to circlin'.

Storm gets an eyepoke, and Van Dam gets a dropkick for two. Snapmare for two. Storm reverses van Dam into the ropes and rolls him into the Maple Leaf, but Fonzie goes for Tammy and Storm breaks it up-then gets squashed with a legdrop across the apron by Van Dam. Both guys hit the floor and Van Dam slams Storm gut-first on the rail, then legdrops him from the apron. Fonzie gets in the camera's face and pisses everyone off, while Van Dam does some patented POSES OF DEATH in the ring. Back to the floor for some more Storm-whuppin', then inside and Van Dam gets a double underhook slam for two. Rope reversal, and Storm gets a superkick for two. Jawbreaker keeps him in control. Irish whip, clothesline, back elbow and the dropkick o' death put Van Dam on Dream Street, but he slugs Storm in the gut. Van Dam goes for a top rope quebrada-and Storm boots him in the ass to send him crashing into the railing outside! Sweet. Baseball slide sends Van Dam sailing into the crowd, and Storm follows. Van Dam manages to reverse a whip into the railings, but Storm backdrops him over them as he runs at him. Van dam kicks Storm in the head and nails a railsenton onto Storm, then goes for slam, but Storm turns that into a NASTY slop drop. Dropkick keeps Van dam down, and Storm stumbles back to the ring-then hits a top-rope springboard body press into the crowd on Van Dam! Both guys slowly crawl back to the ring and Van Dam tries a moonsault, but Storm crotches him and tries a belly-to-back superplex. Van Dam rolls out of it and lands on his feet and legdrops Storm, then drop toeholds him-inverted surfboard on Storm!

Robbie breaks and hits the tumbling senton for two. Irish whip, but Storm springboards out of the corner and hits a back elbow for two. Irish whip and a handspring clothesline, but Van Dam blocks a Northern Lights suplex. Storm avoids Van Damnation , jumps a pair of legsweeps and clobbers Van Dam with the chair, but gets knocked COLD by a Van daminator that sends him to the floor moments later. Storm plays dead and Van Dam rolls him back in, where Storm gets a low blow and a cradle for a two count. Van Dam ducks a spinkick and hits a SWEET one of his own, but accidentally nails the ref with a Van Daminator. Storm hits a Van Daminator of his own, but of course there's no referee. Storm sits Van dam up tope and chases off a chair-wielding Fonzie-then falls victim to a top-rope Van Daminator...for two. Five star frog splash misses and Storm tries a powerbomb, but Van Dam rolls through, and Storm reverses THAT for two. Waistlock reversal sequence leads to a Van Dam German suplex for the pin to retain at 18:46. Sweet sweet match. ***½. Storm is a GOD-I hope Vince puts the World Title on him over in WCW.

-Dreamer/Credible/Funk video package.

-Stairway To Hell Match: Juhstin Credible, Philadelpian Man O' War (w/Entourage) Vs. Tommy Dreamer (w/Ladder): You wanna know why Justin will always have a job in this business? Because he's an annoying, obnoxious piece of shit. Ya can't learn that in a gym, folks. That there's natural ability.

Justin takes charge to kick off and chops Tommy in the corner, but gets reversed on an Irish whip and Tommy chops him down. Irish whip by Tommy and Justin pumphandles out of the corner, so Tommy simply kicks him in the nuts. That's what I love about Tommy Dreamer-he fights like a REAL man. Dreamer spinebuster, and a Cactus clothesline takes both men to the floor. Justin reverses a whip into the rail and hits another, but charges and Dreamer gets a boot up, then hotshots him onto the railing. Dreamer grabs a chair and heads back inside, but a reversal sequence sees Justin plant him on it with an inverted DDT. Oh, the irony. Cornerbomb by Justin, and the crowd warms up "You Suck Dick" in A-Minor. Dreamer tossed out onto the ramp, and Justin steals Raven's chair-drop-toehold. Crotch chop! Crowd switches to "She's A Man", directed at Nicole Bass. Those newer fans who point to Chyna as the picture of manliness have obviously never seen Ms. Bass. Justin stomps Dreamer a bit and tease getting the ladder, but decides against it and heads back inside.

Dreamer reverses a whip off the ropes into a Russian legsweep and throws Justin face-first into a chair, then catches him off the ropes and nails a Dreamer Driver. He goes for the ladder, and when Jason and Justin try a double baseball slide, Tommy simply lifts the ladder and clobbers both men with it. Dreamer sets the ladder on the apron and the guardrail, and tosses Justin back in, who dropkicks Dreamer's legs as he stands on the apron. Tommy hits the floor and Justin poses on the apron, so Tommy hits an electric chair drop onto the ladder. Ouch. The ladder is tossed into the ring and Tommy catapults Justin into it. Powerslam onto the ladder, but Dreamer misses a second rope elbow drop and mangles his arm. Justin sandwiches it in the ladder and pounds it with a chair, then sets up the ladder in the corner. Irish whip is reverses and Justin goes flying to the floor, but manages an odd-looking suplex from the apron on Dreamer. Back inside and Justin sits Tommy upstairs, but Tommy shoves him down. Jason comes in and tries his luck, lather, rinse and repeat. Tommy goes for a double DDT, but Jazz comes in and stops it going down. Snap suplex on Tommy, but he pops right back up. Jason saves Jazz from a DDT with a clothesline, and Dreamer collapses in the corner. Justin misses a baseball slide and goes balls-first into the ringpost. Dreamer hits the Spicolli Driver, and he seesaws the ladder into Justin's face from the apron. Dreamer sets it up and climbs, but Justin pulls him down. He throws Dreamer outside and climbs, but Dreamer comes back and tosses him into the top turnbuckle. The ladder gets wedged in between the second and third turnbuckles, and Dreamer goes into it. Again, and Justin hits a swinging DDT. "Innovator Of Violence" Justin Credible puts the ladder over Tommy's head and runs it into the ringpost. Ouch.

Dreamer and the ladder fall to the floor, and Justin pulls another ladder from under the ring. Both get set up, both guys climb-and Dreamer nails a Dream Cutter from the ladder! Nice li'l bump there. Tommy's bleeding. He climbs and retrieves the cane, then hits a jumping DDT on Credible from the ladder. Justin is out on the ropes and Dreamer readies a mighty cane swing, but Terry Funk runs in and bops him with a trash can. Justin finishes with a cane shot and That's Incredible onto a ladder to complete the El Cheapo finish at 18:44. Shockingly enjoyable brawl here. **3/4. Funk beats the crap outta Tommy after the decision.

-Words with both champ and challenger for the main event.

-Main Event, ECW World Title Match: Shane "The Game" Douglas (w/Head Cheerleader, the HIDEOUS Francine) Vs. Taz: This is, of course, the long-awaited end to the Douglas era, who had enjoyed one of the longest-and crappiest-ECW Title reigns ever. Trash talk to start, and Taz flips Shane the double bird. Oooh, catty. Lockup, and Taz takes Shane down with a headlock. Shane reverses to a headscissors, both up. Exact same sequence, but with the roles reverses. Taz shoves Shane down and leaves that to sink in for a bit. Lockup, Shane gets a wristlock, but Taz trips him and applies a leglock. Shane rolls him up for two and they break. Lockup, Taz gets a waistlock, and Shane drop toeholds him and puts on a headlock. Taz reverses to a hammerlock and gets a nearfall. Another lockup and Shane pounds Taz, but gets reversed on an Irish whip. Taz charges and eats boot, but cataches Shane running out and drops him with a head and arm Tazplex. Shane rolls to the floor to recuperate and Francine yells at him a bit.

Shane finally gets back in and locks up, and chokes Taz in the corner. Irish whip is reversed, and Taz catches Shane and slams him as Shane tries to pumphandle out the corner. Clothesline sends Shane to the floor, but he whips Taz over the guardrail and into the crowd. Shane dives on him from the railings, and the crowd just ENGULFS them. They then do a looooooooooooong walkabout segment, which pretty intense and enjoyable, but really not worth recapping. Highlight: Taz T-Bones Shane down a wooden ramp.

They finally get back to the ring, and Shane's in charge. Both are juicing, too. Shane throws a table in the ring and sets it up in the corner, as Taz pulls himself to his knees and begs Shane to hit him. Shane obliges, and Taz fights back with shots to the chest. He gets to his feet, but gets whipped head-first through the table for two. Shane gets an inverted Hennig necksnap, and throws another table in the ring. he tries the same trick-but this time Taz reverses to a head-and-arm Tazplex through it for a two count. And the lights go out.

FIREWORKS (I know, I'm as shocked as you) welcome Sabu (w/Neckbrace) to the fray, and he levels both men with a springboard clothesline. He sends both men to the floor and hits a ker-razy springboard moonsault into the crows, levelling Shane and Taz. Butt splash puts Shane through a table at ringside, and Taz eats a splintery twisting splash in the ring. Sabu leaves with Fonzie, and Shane crawls in the ring and covers Taz for two. He calls for the Triple Threat-and Chris Candido and Tammy come out of the crowd. Of course, the Laws Of Wrestling apply, in this case no. 22A-two women cannot coexist in the same ring-and Francine and Tammy indulge in a catfight. The men separate their women-and Candido WAFFLES Shane. Taz is up and he nails a T-Bone Tazplex on Douglas, then clamps on the Tazmission, and it's all over as Shane passes out at 22:16 to give Taz his first ECW Title and FINALLY end Shane's crappy run. **. Taz celebrates, end of show.

Final Thought: Scorcher of a show, considering that this was a) ECW, b)Decimated by injuries and c)Not the original main event. Tajiri and Crazy's first big showdown, the TV Title match, and Taz's title win make this an easy recommendation.

Okay, some quick WrestleMania predictions:

RTC Vs. Tazz/The APA: Faces go over, and the Rtc splits. Rating: *

Gimmick Battle Royal: Shanw Michaels OR Mr. Perfect returns and kills everyone. Rating: **

Test Vs. Eddie Guerrero: Test goes over to continue his push. Rating: **½

Chyna Vs. Ivory: Chyna, duh. Rating: DUD

Big Slow Vs. Kane Vs. Raven: Raven retains via screwy means. Rating: **

Chris Benoit Vs. Kurt Angle: Angle uncles and Benoit gets a BIG pop. Rating: ****½

Chris Jericho Vs. William Regal: Hmmm, I think Jericho's headed to the new WCW, so Regal will pick up the strap here. Rating: ***1/4

TLC II: The Duds are going over, one way or another. Rating: *****

Vince Vs. Shane: Shane will go over after Linda AND Foley lend a hand. Rating: ***

Triple H Vs. The Undertaker: 'Taker takes the victory. Rating: ***½

That Big One: I'm thinking SHOCKING SWERVE here-Rock retains. Rating: ****

Well, that's me cooked for this week. Hate mail, love letters and poems in the sand should be directed at quoththeraven99@hotmail.com. See you at WrestleMania!!