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MONDAY NIGHT HANGOVER
So after about three weeks I FINALLY debut my new
column name! Big props to fellow columnist The Drop for THAT one. (I wonder what Jarrod Triplett (and I'm sure I'm spelling his name wrong) thinks of this. - CRZ) So, seeing as
I now have a new gimmicked title, I shall be working a few gimmicky spots into
this column from now on, plus a few semi-regular new bits for my loyal fanbase
of three to enjoy. Anyhoo, ON WITH THE BITCHIN'!
As usual I'll start with the boys from Stamford,
and have a moan about what's goin' on down there. RAW IS WAR
got off to pretty damn entertaining start with Cryin' Kurt
Angle cutting a great, logical promo about the WWF getting out of
hands, which bought him big heel heat. It is scary to watch this guy's work and
think about how long he's been in the biz. It made a refreshing change to see
the supposed New Blood get the opening time-killer. So why the Hell did
The Hardcore Commish and Legs have to come out
and luse it up? I don't want to blaspheme or anything but Foley's opening
diatribes are becoming tedious to listen to-he's been overexposed and needs a
rest. Have him participate only in the backstage skits for a while, so he
doesn't become stale altogether. No painkillers needed for this one-a
fairly swank little interview to open the show.
The Six Person Intergender
Match was also a fine segment, while it lasted, with some
unheard-of displays from Molly and
Trish-proving that my girl is destined to be the GREATEST
WOMEN'S CHAMP OF ALL TIME, BABEE!!! Two problems, however-the angle is going
nowhere. It's alright slapping these enjoyable matches out there and watching
T&A win, then the Hollys, but there is no
motion in the feud. Hopefully this'll be the last match between these two teams
for awhile-so that Job Holly can move into something a bit more
worthwhile. When we last saw him he was a serious contender to the
Intercontinental Title, and now he's stuck teaming with bottom card
Crash? That's not right, folks. Bob's a Hell of a wrestler with
a big cult following, so why not give him a chance higher up the card? I'm gonna
knock back a painkiller for this, just for the underlying themes.
Why get Big Daddy Dentist
involved with Big SexyTaker again? Taker's been built up nicely
into a top level face role over the last few weeks, while Kane's mired in
midcard Hell. He's got no place in a match with Taker-it's played, the two guys
aren't on the same level, and Kane's involvement in the Taker/Angle storyline
just damages Angle's already-crippled credibility. I'm not gonna pass comment on
their actual MATCH here-I try to save all my negative energy for Nitro.
Four painkillers for the whole affair, including the match.
Man, why the Hell is everyone so hard on
The One Smokin' Rockabilly Gunn? As I've stated before, some
people need to step back and think about what they're saying. He IS over, the
fans DO like him, and Edgy Guerrero is not gonna get a
hernia from attempting to carry him through all these matches. Someone today-I'm
not saying who-posted a comment saying that Gunn is the worst Intercontinental
Champion since HTM. The guy's SIX DAYS into his title reign, he's had ONE title
defence, and people are already bandying around statements like that? Pathetic.
Having said all this, I don't wanna particularly see a program against Benoit
develop, and hopefully it won't. One painkiller for this one, on the strength of
the kinda boring match.
Again, the only thing saving the Makin' A
Difference Vs. Rock. E match was Kurt Angle's commentary. While not on
par with William Regal's best efforts, he still managed to distract my attention
away from the dire inring action. The really bad, Rock-protecting ending did
nothing for it either, and seeing Rock Vs. Angle at Armageddon makes absolutely
NO sense whatsoever. I mean, we've established that the Rock doesn't need the
title to be over, he's still got an issue with Rikishi, Angle's still got an
issue with Taker, Angle's already been put over Rock...any more reasons for Rock
NOT getting another title shot? And while you're at it, why don't you give
Rikishi a bit of cred by actually, y'know, putting him over the top talent? Five
painkillers, because I'm feeling spiteful.
And we'll subtract a painkilller for seeing
William Regal trying to teach those brutes at WWF New York some manners. Good
show, my Commonwealth comrade!
Oh, Good Lord, I thought they'd given up on the
whole Smilin' Dean Malenko (that's too good a name for me NOT
to steal, Chris) being a womaniser thing? Well, I'm game if that sets up a
Hardyz/Radz match.
And here's that match I'm not talking
about...
The whole Right To Censor thing
is really getting tedious. Steven and The Colonel just keep on
droning out the same damn monologue for every opponent, no matter what the
situation-it's Promo-By-Numbers. And the whole rapping thing? Sheesh. Having
said that, the match between these two teams was bearable, if uninspired (except
for my man K-Kwik-drop that pasty goon, K!). Yes, Kwik does
stilll rock my world royally, so I'm gonna forego the painkillers just for
him.
Ah, now THIS is what RAW is. The six man between
Chris Jesus/The Hardlys Vs. Vanilla Midgets was totally worth
the time given, and maybe, just maybe, the time Tiger Ali Singh was given.
Actually, this was definitely worth the time Tiger Ali Singh was given.
Rockin' little match, and it looks like we could be seeing another
Benoit/Jericho cracker at Armageddon. Maybe Jericho will go over this time, too!
No painkillers needed here.
One good thing about Sultan/You Gotta
Fight For Right To Party-it was short. I thought Singh was brought back
as a sidekick for Lo-Down, not the other way round. And slapping him in the
penultimate quarter hour? What are you, stupid? Come on-you wanna get the
talented part of the trio over, let them wrestle, for Christ's Sake! Five
painkillers for this debacle.
The bad things about Cryin' Kurt Angle/No
Sell Steve Austin? It was CRIMINALLY devoid of hype, considering this
was Austin's first title shot since his return. The ending was way lame and
damaged Kurt's credibility even further, and Triple H is in remarkably good
shape for someone "covered with contusions". The good things? It was a Hella lot
more even than most of Austin's recent efforts, Angle actually seemed like a
top-line star in there, and the two did seem to click in the ring, giving hope
for future matches. Still, I'll slap in a painkiller, just for Triple H turning
into Hogan.
And two more painkillers for a personal barb
against myself...two weeks ago in the Ross Report JR told us this:
"It looks like Tazz is
heading towards being a fan favourite here in the WWF. Or maybe it's
Raven? Who knows."
Y'know what that translates to?
"We can't be bothered to try and put
these guys over, so we'll keep on sticking them out there at the bottom of the
card and maybe something'll happen. Maybe."
Sure enough, where were they on RAW this week? They
weren't.
What a crock of shit. The WWF haven't even made an
effort to get EITHER of these guys over since Raven's debut, they've just used
'em as stopgaps, jobbing them out to Too Cool and the like to keep their heat
intact. And their two-minute showdown on SmackDown! last week? Pitiful. So, just
for a giggle (as Hugh Morrus would say), here's how I would've handled these two
from Unforgiven onwards: Tazz's Strap Match with the King arrives, and Tazz
absolutely slaughters Lawler, beating the crap out of him with anything and
everything he can get his hands on. He finishes him off with a strap-assisted
Tazzmission, but when the bell is rung, he won't let go. He finally stops as the
King lays unconscious on the mat, then picks him up and threatens to tazzplex
him as the referees back off, trying to reason with him. And that's when Raven
enters, sneaking into the ring behind Tazz, wheeling him around, and hitting the
Evenflow, then pounding on him until he's dragged off. The next night Tazz cuts
a promo about "the stragglers", always trying to get over on a major superstar
by jumping them and winning unfairly, when Raven again comes through the crowd,
but this time with a microphone. He tells Tazz to shut the Hell up, as all he's
seen on WWF TV over the past few weeks is Tazz running his mouth about his own
suffering. Raven reveals he signed a contract with the WWF at the start of
August, but they sat him on the bench and told him to wait until they "found the
right spot for him", so Raven chose his own spot-he chose to beat the Hell out
of Tazz, so that he knows real suffering, and he knows what Raven feels every
day. The promo descends into a wild brawl, with the two going waaaay over the
edge for RAW, and the refs pulling them apart. The whole resulting feud could be
purely tit for tat, as the two men increasingly up the ante, hardcore-style,
until one of them comes out victorious in the pay per view blowoff (but not
after the WWF try to force them to wrestle a straight rules match at No Mercy.
This, of course, would end in a double DQ for excessive brutality). By now, both
guys would be over, and both would have a legit tough guy credibility. See how
it works?
So, the WWF's tally for this week is a pretty
nasty EIGHTEEN painkillers-must've been on the grande Tequilas
last night, my friends. Let's see how my favourite headless chicken farm in
Atlanta measures up...
One painkiller right off the bat The
Chosen 1's pointless pre-show guitar shot on...that guy. Not a
good start.
Whoa!! A swank match to start off Nitro? What
weird, bizarre, twisted place is this? And how did I get here? Seriously though,
this was the best Nitro opener I've seen in weeks-spotty, sure, but a great way
to kick off the show. Four guys who can throw together a pretty decent little
match do just that. No painkillers here my friends, for for the first time, WCW
pull a Homer. This is probably just dumb luck, but I'm not gonna look a gift
horse in the mouth.
ANother good section follows this one, as the NEW
(it's about damn time) WCW Heavyweight Champion Selfless Scott Steiner
cuts a pretty decent heel promo to kick off his title reign. So again,
why the HELL do they flush this goodwill away by letting Steiner do a cheap-ass
impression of the Rock? It's like saying "I know you are, but what am I?", or
"takes one to know one!"-just plain childish. One painkiller for THAT, Mr. Booty
Daddy. One plus: Stevie Ray FINALLY said FROOT BOOTY. You da man,
Stevie!
What, is there something in the water tonight?
ANOTHER decent segment follows with That Japanese Guy...The One Who's
Not Kaz Hayashi Vs. Bret Hart. Decent, if rushed, action 'twixt the
two, but a laaaaaaame finish when James Brown runs in and Van
Catinators Storm, allowing Yang the win. Am I missing something, or has this
issue just materialised, as if from nowhere? I mean, Storm's part of the
secondary heel elite now, move him up, rather than have him start an issue with
the Cat over ONE chairshot. And I'd give Storm credit for putting over the young
talent-if I thought Yang's win would actually take him anywhere. Two painkillers
for the double dumbness of that ending.
Billy Luger gets one painkiller
just for being on TV. Having said that, at least they kept his piss-poor mic
work down to a short span this week. Y'know what would be better? If they FIRED
HIS ASS. Two painkillers and a slap round the face to keep me awake through his
droning, autocue promo. And the William Regal mannerisms add
nothing.
Jimmy Hart's STOOOOPID DJ challenge will get a
painkiller for every week that this angle continues, more if it develops. That's
a warning, WCW.
So they've manages to squeeze a third talented
team out of the Three Count/Jung Dragons combos. Noble
and Couragious are a really decent team-but why the HELL should we
care? This comedy segment with the Dead On Arrival Twins and
Bert Reynolds/Markie Mark does nothing for actually getting
them over, and while the action inring was okay, that ain't necessarily what
Monday nights are about. One painkiller for this little pointless
excercise.
Oh, man, why the F*CK are they resurrecting
Glacier? Even as a joke this guy sucks. Hell, he was a joke to
begin with. Okay, so he could kick well, but that's about it. And shouldn't WCW
be trying to HIDE their past mistakes, rather than parade them around for the
misfits they are? Again, one painkiller for each week this saga
continues.
Hype Unlimited are NOT who I
wanna see as WCW Tag Team Champions. Let's see who we've got on the roster,
shall we? Perfect Event, Three Count, Bert Reynolds/Markie Mark, Jung
Dragons, Noble and Couragious...Hell, any team is better than these
two. Also, I've been doing some calculating, and y'know how many odd couple
combinations we've seen outta the old guys? Here's another
list...Gooooooooooldbeeeeerg/The Hitman, AA Member #232445/The Giant,
Big Lazy/Sting, Billy Luger/Sting.....Why, why, why? None of these guys
are seasoned tag team veterans, they were all big singles competitors at the
time, why do they need the tag titles? Answer: They don't. Nash and Page's title
defence against S&M was lame with a dumbass finish,
guaranteeing that NO-ONE got any credibility as competitors. Pathetic. Three
painkillers.
And as per usual, a jobber gets fed to
Goooooooooooooldbeeeeeeeerg on Nitro. This week it's
Reno The Rockin' Mongolian, and also as usual this was
relatively inoffensive, even though jobbing the ENTIRE junior roster to Bill,
one after the other, ensures a pretty bad future for all of them. Still, no
painkillers needed for this one-oh wait, Luger ran in and Racked Bill. That's
a painkiller right there.
Okay, here's waht should happen-the Misfits drop
the goofy names, get back their old ones, and make a group of goofy,
sophomore faces, like the DX of 1998. It'd work, I'm telling you. In the
meantime, I'm glad to see The Laughin' Man Hugh Morrus get a
second run with the US strap-it gives him that extra bit of cred, and allows
Lance Storm to move onto bigger and better things. His match with
Pebbles this week was enjoyable, if a little slow paced, but
Da Wall's involvement added nothing. Still, relativvely
inoffensive and fun to watch. No painkillers here.
I know, this is stupid, but I'm subtracting a
painkiller, just for Steiner punking Smooth Train out. So sue
me.
Another relatively enjoyable segment, despite it's
sports entertainment finish, was The Chosen 1/That Filthy Animal Rey Jr.
Jerrett's the secondary top heel in the company, and it shows. If Russo
hadn't pissed his credibility away earlier this year he'd be one top now, but as
it is, I'll continue enjoying seeing him beat the crap out of Konnan. No
painkillers needed.
So Master Of Jive, Stevie Ray is
finally out of the business, and can retire permanently to the announcer's
booth. Good, I like him there. This was a fairly decent power match, even if the
outcome was totaly obvious-but Sid Freakin' Vicious?? Come
ON!!! If I have to sit through Sid Vs. Steiner come Starrcade, I'm gonna start
shooting some people. Five painkillers for Sid's unscheduled appearance and what
it suggests. Hopefully they'll have STienr take Sid out and brag about it,
allowing Flair to step in as a last minute challenger. Only problem is-would
Steiner be willing to co-operate with Flair? We shall have to wait and
see...
So the tally of painkillers for Nitro this week is
SEVENTEEN painkillers, which puts this week's hows at about
even. I'm probably gonna get crucified for saying this, but I still enjoyed RAW
more. Sure, some of the themes sucked, as does the direction of the company
right now, but the production, the standard of the ring work, and the overall
quality of the show just makes it less of a chore to watch than Nitro. Sorry,
guys, but that's just the way it is. I think my good friend Bennett put it
best-people are confusing better for best. Yes, Nitro is improving, and getting
better all the time, but right now its not fait to even compare the two shows.
'Course, I won't stop comparing them, coz then I'd have nothing to write about
each week. Anyhoo, I'll see you soon, mail me at forthebenefitofthosewithflashphotography@hotmail.com,
and remember...SHOW ME LOVE!!
Ian Challis
freelance
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