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| Guest Columns | Alex Carnevale |
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WWF SMACK 'EM WHACK 'EM This appears to be a 1992 Coliseum video release. I did not watch wrestling in 1992. My wrestling fandom basically began with the nWo, and I've had to go back and revisit all the stuff I missed. I got this tape off of Amazon.com auctions for five bucks simply to see Bret v. Shawn, Ladder Match. The tape begins by hyping other WWF videos. I don't know why they don't produce random videos like this anymore, with matches from house shows that never aired. I guess it didn't help the bottom line. I always thought that taping the matches at house shows for home video release helping the guy going to the house show and helped the guy buying the video tape later. Lord Alfred Hayes is your host, and he's clearly a homosexual. Mr. Hayes hypes Hart v. Flair and Yokozuna "Cooking for the Single Man." I am not making this up. Hayes is in some kind of dilapedated house. Jesus. The Bushwhackers arrive to help Afred. There's some touching that's difficult to both watch and describe. I'm losing brain cells by the second. The Bushwhackers make Sid look coherent. They dress him up like a big fat baby and poke at his exposed flesh, yelling "Fuck me, Alfred, you'll be a baby fucker, mate AHAHA!" Hayes give us this: Crush v. The Bezerker. If you haven't already gotten all of your wrestling information from Scott Keith, Crush is Bryan Adams, only he's a Hogan type babyface, and he's pretty over. This gimmick is a total one eighty from Kronik, and Bryan Adams himself. The Bezerker is all Nordicked out in Viking gear, and I'm pretty sure he's no one of note. Adams busts out a belly to belly, a move I've never seen him do. Test of strength lets Crush show off his no selling prowess. Bezerker flips out of the ring a lot, Kane style. Match is okay, as Bezerker pulls out a Russian legsweep. Berzerker hits an UGLY looking piledriver. My lord, I'm surprised both men weren't paralyzed. Match drags. Adams gets in his usual spots. Adams wins BY PRESSING TOGETHER THE SIDES OF BEZERKER'S HEAD. They call it the skullcrusher. Whew, that'll ruin your career right there. 3/4* Match was all of six minutes, and it blew. That's the standard rating for a boring big man match. More Bushwhackers hijinks follow, to my chagrin. Or lack thereof. Repo Man v. Earthquake. Whew, this promises to suck. I fast forward immediately, as Earthquake endures some offense to win by sitting on Repo Man in 4:21. DUD Back to the Bushwhackers. This skit continues with no discernible point. But it's '92 WWF, so you take what you get. Lord Alfred Hayes, in a spectacular spot, is ELECTROCUTED by the Bushwhackers. He is, presumably, dead. Lord Alfred, you were bad, but you were no Tony Schiavone. YES~! YES~! YOKOZUNA: COOKING FOR THE SINGLE MAN. Gene interviews Yoko and Mr. Fuji. This is a sad omen for Rodney's death. Gene: This is how Yokozuna maintains his weight. Fuji: The more he eats, the stronger he'll be. Gene (flirting with the waitress): I'm lovely, how are you? YOKOZUNA v. food. Gene: As is the custom in Japan, we use the chopsticks. The utensil of choice. The match begins and the ref indicates it's going to be 2/3 Falls. FIRST FALL: The three men learn how to use chopsticks, with Yoko saying nothing. Gene enjoys his meal so much, he has an orgasm. Yoko just consumes whatever is put into front of him. Gene: Just watching Yokozuna eat, I'm full. Fuji: This is just the beginning. SECOND FALL: Lou, the chef, interferes with the match. Gene: That knife looks very, very sharp. God, this segment is soooo long. Fuji makes the chef hurry up. The cooking takes forever. They cook a lot of the old Japanese delicacy - rib-eye steak. Fuji (under breath): Come on Yoko, eat. Yoko (whispering): But I don't want anymore. Fuji: Mr. Vince says eat! (piles food on Yoko's plate) Gene: Oh God, more! No! Fuji: Yes, yes. Gene: This is incredible. This is the most incredible display I've ever seen in my life. Does he do this every day? Fuji: Yes. Gene: Then this what makes him Yokozuna. This is what makes him the champion. (whispering into his wrist) I'm not saying any more, Vince. THIRD FALL: Gene: If he continues to eat like this, he'll die! The whole thing lasts more than 15:23 or so. That's one way to fill a "two hour" tape. It's finally time for the Bret Hart profile, hosted by Gorilla Monsoon. Bret is there with the championship belt. Bret talks about the ladder match with Shawn. First ever ladder match, sayeth Bret. Bret Hart v. Shawn Michaels, Ladder Match, IC Title. I'm buckling in anticipation but am ready for disappointment. Shawn looks a hundred years younger. This is what I'm saying about these guys aging fast. The ladder is positioned in the ring entrance, as per every ladder match that would follow. The standard shots of a ladder match were invented here, I guess. They lock up, and Shawn pounds away in the corner. Clothesline lets Bret take control. Backdrop and and a whip to the post set up Bret's offense. Sherri accompanied Shawn to the ring, btw. Knee to the gut lets Shawn try for the ladder. He jogs down, and pulls the ladder back into the ring. Bret cuts him off, and whips him into the post. Bret rolls him in, and then goes for the ladder. Sherri stops him, and Bret threatens her. Shawn grabs the ladder and tries to climb. Bret runs back into the ring and throws Shawn off. Cool stuff. Shawn rakes the eyes to take the advantage. Bret tries to climb, but Shawn pulls him down. Much more realistic stuff than the slow climb nonsense. Shawn picks up the ladder and tries to kill Bret with it. Shawn sets up the ladder in the corner, and then oversells a kick from Bret. Bret takes a shot to the ladder and sells his shoulder, most likely attempting to make up for not selling the shoulder injury in the WrestleMania XII Iron Man match. Shawn climbs. The ladder is shorter and the belt is lower. It looks like a kid's ladder. Bret takes Shawn off, and the ladder falls on him. Bret climbs, and Shawn drags him off. They fight over the ladder, and Shawn gets the better of it. Bret gets a second rope clothesline. Bret is over, Shawn is not, by the way. Bret gets the slingshot into the ladder, and Shawn oversells, as per usual. It's cool that Bret did it before Shawn at WM 10. Hartbreaker incapacitates Shawn, and Bret climbs the ladder almost getting the belt. Shawn pulls him off. Double KO spot. Both men climb, both men fall off. Nasty spot, as usual. Slugfest, and Sherrie interferes. Shawn hits sweet chin music, but it's 1992. What a shame. Michaels side suplexes Hart and crawls to the ladder. Shawn readies himself to climb, but Bret dropkicks the ladder, and Shawn falls out of the ring. Bret climbs the ladder and grabs the belt in 13:42. For the first ever ladder match, it was damn good. It wasn't nowhere near as good as Shawn v. Razor, but these guys were working a house show. The believability element of the match grounds it in reality to reduce the spot-spot-spot tendency and gives it an edge that Benoit v. Jericho didn't have, but, otherwise, of course it can't compare. Nevertheless, this is a cool match for many reasons. ***1/4 God knows it wasn't worth the price of the tape, but I didn't know I was getting Flair v. Hart, and hopefully that will make up for it. For those counting, here's the WWF ladder matches I can recollect, the event they were from, and the title on the line. Winners in bold. IC Title: Shawn v. Bret, House Show IC Title: Shawn v. Razor, WrestleMania X IC Title: Shawn v. Razor, Summerslam '94 IC Title: Rock v. HHH, Summerslam '98 WWF Title: Mankind v. Rock, RAW (last title match before WM XV) TIT Invitational: Hardyz v. Blondes, No Mercy Tag Titles: Hardyz v. Duds v. Blondes, WrestleMania 2000 Tag Titles: Hardyz v. Duds v. Blondes, SS 2000 Tag Titles: Hardyz v. Blondes, RAW Benoit v. Jericho, Royal Rumble Bret Hart v. Kamala. We're trying to establish Bret's crediblity as champ against an African stereotype here, I suppose. The black man is, of course, an animal. Let's see if Bret can get a good match out of this guy. Bret works a wristlock for a long time. Test of strength but Bret refuses. O-kay. This spot finally takes all of two minutes up. Kamala is such a waste. You know something's wrong with you when Bret Hart can't carry you to a watchable match. Bearhug applied. Whoever thought this guy was a good idea should be shot. Kamala dominates for a long time, before hitting the Russian legsweep for two. Second rope clothesline gets two. Bret is calling this match on the fly. Monkey flip and second rope elbow set up the Sharpshooter, but interference backfires and Bret rolls him up for three in 7:58. 1/2* for the ending bit, but I'm being extremely generous. Bret's title reign was very feel-good. I guess that's why they put the strap on him for awhile before docking it to Yoko. Before the next match, Bret talks and looks like a baby. He aged badly. This is the match where Bret wins the title, as opposed to the IC Title one I'll be covering in the Invasion '92 review, if I ever get around to it. Bret Hart v. Ric Flair (c), WWF Title. Gorilla hypes this as never before seen. God knows I've never seen it. The match takes place in Canada, oddly enough, so Bret is over like a bad habit. I always wondered how these two guys felt about each other. Ric always looked right in the WWF. They start out with some mat stuff, Flair trying for a pin off a headlock. Reversal, and Ric sells like he's been shot. Hennig and Flair were such a cool combination. Bret works the arm like Steamer, but Flair backs him off. Flair looks ripped here, not too flabby. Bret blocks a suplex, and reverses it for one of his own. Backdrop, when it was a part of Bret's offense. Sharpshooter try iunto ballshot lets Flair roll out. The crowd goes nuts for further matwork. Bret won't let go of Flair's arm for a LONG time. Flair tries whatever to break out of it. Flair tosses Bret. Bret exposes Flair's bareass on a sunset flip, which gets two. Backdrop and clotheslines make Flair roll out. Bret gets two back in the ring. Flair thumbs the eye to buy time. Flair whips him to the post, and starts working the knee over. Killer knee-breaker, etc. Bret starts working over Flair's knee. These guys are working like they are on PPV. Bret applies the figure-four. Flair reaches the ropes. Backslide gets two. Bret locks in the sleeper, but quickly takes a belly-to-back, and double KO is on. Flair gets a small package for two. Butterfly suplex gets two. Flair hits a kneedrop, but sells the injury. Brilliant. Flair chops him down out of the corner for two. Bret schoolboys for two. Flair then hurts Bret's knee and locks on the figure four. Bret rolls over to the ropes. Flair gets himself over in every match. Flair destroys the knee. Flair tries the figure four, but Bret small packages him for two. Slugfest erupts in the corner, and Bret eats boot off of a blind charge. Flair goes to the tope rope and to my considerable surprise, Bret throws him off. A third backdrop from Bret - he drops an elbow for two. Russian legsweep gets two. Flair begs off. Hartbreaker sets up the second rope elbow for two. Vertical suplex for two. Bret no-sells some chops, and they slug it out. Bret puts him on top for the second rope superplex. He gets it and goes for the Sharpshooter. I love when it's on the left leg. Flair taps out, and Bret wins the title in 26:07. The crowd is batshit. ****1/4 It was worth buying the tape for this match. Flair put him over totally clean, in Bret's hometown, virtually. Note: Bret used to use a lot more backdrops. I guess he thought they were too Billy Gunn-ish and eliminated them from the moveset. Back to the Bushwhackers. I don't even bother watching the segment this time. Undertaker v. Razor Ramon. God, Razor's music was just too fucking sweet. These guys are huge. Taker is fresh in his original incarnation. Taker was just a really good idea from the beginning, and Calloway did a great job with the evolving nature of the character. Anyone who could stay over past RR '94 deserves my compliments. Anyway, back to the match, Taker methodically beats on Ramon. Ramon clotheslines him out of the ring, but Taker comes back in and continues the assault. Second rope bulldog lets Razor take the advantage. Steel chair to the back, and Ramon throws him into the steps. Boy, this is like the outline for every RAW match that would follow. Sccop slam, Taker sits up. Scoop slam, sit up. Side suplex keeps Taker down and he drops SIX elbows on him, but Taker sits up. Weird. Ramon grabs the urn and clocks him with it. That gets two. He signals for the Razor's Edge. Taker chokeslams him, and Ramon rolls out. Razor walks away and gets counted out. Whew, the ending sucked in a big way, but the rest of it was kind of neat. ** Match was standard RAW length, except for the lack of RAW at the time. A Bushwhackers segment finishes out the tape. Well, except for the unbearably long and bizarre Yokozuna cooking segment, this tape was well worth the price of admission. Three good matches and one real classic that'll I bother to watch again. I love Bret in a big way, so if you don't - this stuff might not be for you. Overall, it's a good buy, and a recommendation. Alex Carnevale [slash] wrestling Mail the Author Comment about this article on the EZBoard |
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