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/wrestling /guests /Carlin |
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/wrestling /guests /Carlin |
| Guest Columns | Chuck Carlin |
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NEWS, SUMMERSLAM, AND ATTITUDE - IN ONE HANDY PACKAGE! Some news from the world of wrestling: Recently, the Minnesota watchdog group Common Cause filed a conflict of interest complaint against Jesse "The Body" Ventura, and Leslie "Carer Of The Planet" Davis issued a restraining order to keep the Governor from partaking in this Sunday's SummerSlam event. Governor Body's response was "Ya, so?" A judge threw it out. As should be the case. I mean come on Minnesota, you elected a man who's most known achievements were as a killer in Predator and and a guest shot on the X Files with Alex Trabec. What did you expect? But I have nothing against Mr. Body, I've been a fan of his for a long time, and still am. And just wondering, but how high is the good Governor's approval rating right now? I thought so. Lucas says that HHH is definitely not behind GTV. This rumor actually died out about a week ago, and I don't think it got very far. Why don't I have Lucas' job? I can be dorky and occasionally get punked out by The Rock. Really. Please? The rumor that ABC tried paying Vince $100 million to leave Monday nights that started on the George "Faith-a" Michael Sports Machine was acknowledged by wwf.com. When asked about it, Vince said "No Comment". That of course means yes. I mean, duh. Apparently he said it while raising an eyebrow, winking, nodding, kicking Lucas under the table, crossing his fingers, and counting $100 million in nickels. Well, now that he's off TV, why not count nickels? What else is there to do now? Huh? I mean he's not even the boss any more, and Shane - ah, screw it. Again, from wwf.com, the headline is "Austin to return to Nash". Now, I didn't read the article, but this obviously means that WWF Champion Stone Cold Steve Austin is leaving the WWF after SummerSlam to go help current WCW booker Kevin Nash. It seems that after Mr. Nash lost his retirement match, he has to find a way to keep control of the WCW booking, so he'll be using Austin as his puppet, making decisions while Austin passes them on to Eric. Nice move on Kevin's part, since now he won't ever even have to bother phoning in interviews from his house any more. Austin can make them for him. I rented WWF: Attitude for Playstation this week, because I'm not gonna buy it until the N64 version comes out. This game is awesome, especially for WWF fans. The detail for each wrestler is just amazing, and far surpasses that of War Zone. What annoyed me the most about War Zone was the random choice of opponents. I'd be all happy and set to kick some ass, and then be I'd get stuck fighting Ahmed Johnson, or a Headbanger. Drat. But Attitude fixed that problem to where you can choose every damn aspect of the match, from the opponent, to the two lumberjacks in a lumberjack match, to ALL 30 FREAKIN' participants in the Royal Rumble. The moves are numerous and fantastic, with a few I haven't seen before. Hell, Taker and Kane even have different Tombstones. The most powerful character in the game is Head, which is unlocked by winning Wrestlemania. Head is just Head with hands and feet and no body, making it very hard to wrestle against. And it's voice is damn hilarious. The create a wrestler option is beautiful, and once you unlock a certain cheat, you can add to the choices of what to wear, like wrestler's specific uniforms, and even a ton of officially licensed WWF t-shirts of your favorite stars. Unlike War Zone, the hair is not plastered to the character's head, and you can add writing to the character's back, arms, legs, and "buttocks". I love this game, and the only problem I have with it is its damn loading time, during which I always have a copy of Maxim or Mad nearby to read. Recommended for fighter fans, strongly Recommended for wrestling fans, and REALLY strongly Recommended for WWF fans. If I get any email for it, I'll include finishers and cheats for the game in my next column. But since, like many other columnists here at [slash], I don't get any mail, well, maybe I'll just put them in anyway. Ok, I gots me a problem with fellow [slash] columnist Kel Mar Supervixen. In a few previous columns, she's knocked one of my sentimentally favorite wrestlers, The Undertaker, and that's fine because everyone has an opinion. But in her last column, she dared to pick on the musical genius that is "Weird Al" Yankovic. Sorry, that's just too much, and I won't stand for it. No more open Undertaker - Yankovic bashing from you, Miss Supervixen. If you do not cease and desist, I will be forced to sick Leslie Davis on you for, oh I don't know, let's say, slander. Ya, slander. That'll be sure to stick. I've bared my teeth at you, Kel Mar. Do you dare fight back against me and my creatures of the night? Huh? Personal stuff aside, here's my picks for SummerSlam '99. If you're the betting type, go over to scoopswrestling.com where you can now place your picks for pro wrestling events. It's fun, and profitable. Here's a match I'm looking forward to. A bunch of guys that know how to wrestle and work a crowd, and Mideon and Viscera. All in one big match that's not as chaotic as a battle royal, or as boring as a Royal Rumble, although this year's Rumble was very well done and not boring at all. I'd like to see the Hollys take it, just for a possible Hollys / Taker + TBS match the next night. I'd also like to see the Hardys take it to keep their push going, as well as Edge and Christian, but I just don't see them as a tag team. So I say... Win: The Acolytes Oh, who the hell cares, I've never liked WWF women's wrestling (it's no GLOW), and the division is essentially dead, which I don't get since Ivory called out of the crowd a handful of actual female wrestlers in an angle that just went away. I'd like to see all of them just rush the ring 20 seconds into this one, beat the shit out of Ivory, steal her damn scarf, and leave her for Tori to get the quick pin. But that won't happen, so let's see, flip a coin... Win: Tori Now the last REAL Lion's den match we all saw was way back at last year's SummerSlam with Owen Hart v. Shamrock, and it was easily my favorite match on the card. This may get me thrown of [slash], but I see Blackman going down after a SEVERE beating, since this IS Shamrock's match, and this angle IS getting old, and Shamrock IS leaving soon. But it will be a hell match since these guys DESPERATELY have to make up for that dismal parking garage disaster last month. Maybe even Terry Taylor will get in there and help beat up Blackman, to teach him once and for all that in wrestling, it's OK to look at the camera. Win: Shamrock in 10 min Ya, this has GOT to be the split they've been teasing for two months now. Plus D' Lo is so over right now, taking the belts would be criminal. If these guys are on, it'll be a great match, and if not, we'll always have the usual distraction at ringside to keep us occupied. BUT... don't forget that Davey Boy Smith is back, and this is HIS belt after all. Hmmm... Win: D' Lo in 15 min Oh GOD do I miss the Paul Bearer and Mankind days. Attitude plays off of it so much, it's getting me nostalgic. Mick may be a great face, but he was always my favorite heel. Just listen to his track on WWF The Music: Vol 2. The dubbed in sound bites are golden. And his theme music when he was heel was just absolutely perfect- demented entrance, and an almost joyous piano solo after a win. Ah, the old days. Oh ya, the match. 'Taker and Big Slow have other feuds-a-brewin, but both X-Pac and Kane are really over and poised for a main event push, so it could go either way. As much as I love Kane (since he's really just an early 90's Undertaker - real quiet and kicks a ton of ass), and as much as I respect Undertaker, I don't expect much from this match. I'm sick of X-Pac by the way, and I HATE the recent destruction of Kane's character. I can just see next week's Raw: DX - "He can talk, He can talk, He can talk, He can talk" Kane - "I CAN SIIIIIIIING" Win: Kane + X-Pac in 12 min So wwf.com hasn't admitted that Road Dogg is in yet, but hell, I want him to be, so he is now. I see Road Dogg getting a push, but only after Bossman does a big butt splash on Pepper while the poor dog's in a sack. RIP Damien. Since Dogg isn't officially in the match though, I'll have to go against popular opinion and say Win: Bossman in 15 min. I want Test to win, because I'm a closet (not any more) Test fan, but since family is family, I see Shane either winning, or at least getting Steph to dump poor old Test. Match could be fun comedy, or it could rock, because we all know Shane can take his bumps. I just REALLY hope Stephanie is there, and dressed nicely, because I admit I have (tee-hee) a crush on her. I mean, she's the only relatively normal looking girl on the show, she's my age, and hell, she lives an hour away from me! If I had time to kill, I'd go hang out in Stamford bars trying to meet her. I can see it now. "Hi, I'm Chuck. Of course I know you, I'm a huge WWF fan! Hey, where you going?" Or maybe even "Chuck, I'd like you to meet my dad" as I promptly shit my pants. Win: Shane in 5-8 min. That KOR victory sure blew over quickly, huh? Anyway, hopefully we'll get a few Jericho run-ins, leading to a feud between Jericho and Howard Finkel ("Hey, I didn't announce you, get back behind the curtain!"). But I wouldn't mind Jericho/Rock either, I guess. True, the Ass/Rock thing is getting played out a bit, but I can't honestly convince myself that WWF (I NEED to use the word Titan!) will give us Jericho/Rock this early. Maybe Jericho/X-Pac while Kane goes for his title shot. Anyway, this match will, of course, rock my pants off. I hate King Ass, in a good heel heat kind of way, and Rock has been in rare form as of late. If these guys want to, they can pull off ****, maybe even *****. We'll see. Win: King Ass with Jericho. If no Jericho, Rock. 20 min. I've heard Austin's been a bit of a bitch as of late, and I wouldn't be surprised to see my buddy Mick lie down for HHH because Austin won't do it. But Vince is good at surprising me, so you never know. This could end in anything from a DX reunion (which is highly unlikely since Dogg and Pac are it for now), to a Mankind heel turn (which I would LOVE) that JR and Lawler just barely hinted at last week on Raw, to Vince's return, to an Austin heel turn. What better way to get Austin instant heel heat than to have him stunner Ventura in his home town? Hell, have him attack X-Pac too, and he'll never be allowed in Minnesota again. Mankind and Austin are both at less than 100%, but that rarely stops them from pulling out all the... stops. Much of this match, however sits on HHH's shoulders, being the only healthy guy involved. Look for a lot of HHH/Austin and HHH/Mankind, and not too much Mankind/Austin. This match has all the pieces, plus throw in a little Chyna with some Commish, and you got yourself a 20 minute highlight reel. But in the end, I have to go where the push takes me, Win: HHH in 20 min You know, while I'm talking about the main event here, let me just say that I can't picture Ventura giving HHH a three count. Ventura is in what I think is his first real face run in WWF, and a major one at that. Plus, in front of his home town crowd, I don't know if he can put over a heel like HHH, since it would almost be like jobbing to him. Also, you have to give old Mick Foley a whole ton of credit for what he's doing. As soon as Austin was injured, Mick was back in doing the house shows in his place, and now he's even taking a ton of the pressure off of Austin in this main event. His return date was originally set for sometime in September, and it's apparent that Mick isn't really physically ready to go back full time. But he is anyway, to help out his company. Damn, if everyone had that kind of work ethic, uhm... it would be neat. I have no snappy analogy, it's late and I'm tired. Thanks for reading, and I hope to hear from you. See you after SummerSlam. Chuck Carlin Still looking for a tape of Friday Night's Main Event '88 Mail the Author Visit my happy little funland |
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