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Chuck Carlin

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Raw Drinking Game

Nothing can stop the dead, even a wall of Spam.

Hi there, Chuck again. If it seems like I do a lot of columns recently, I do. I have some time on my hands right now. You know, summertime - and the living is easy. Well, at least while I'm not at work. So I'm getting ready for SummerSlam, which will be the one year anniverary of the first time I ever forced my friends to sit and watch a wrestling PPV with me. Does anybody else realize that last YEAR'S SummerSlam featured Austin/Taker and a HHH/Rock ladder match, and last month's PPV featured Austin/Taker, and a HHH/Rock STRAP match. And also that one year ago, Edge was feuding with Gangrel and we didn't know where Christian's loyalties lied, with Edge or Gangrel. And that WCW was not good.

It seems that Vince is actually staying away. Wow. We just saw the business' no.1 heel step down while he was still popular. It's probably just because WWF is going public, and I hear that's how they do things when that happens. But that's for another column. Tonight it's:

The new Raw Is War Drinking Game!

I've noticed that there are a few good WWF themed drinking games available, but they're all pretty outdated, ("Whenever Tatanka actually gets heat..."), so to celebrate my upcoming 21st birthday, I've made a new, more current one. Have fun. And for the love of God, use really REALLY watered down beer. I don't want to get any emails complaining about alcohol poisoning.
  • If you just finished watching all of Walker Texas Ranger - get out of my column, I don't want your "creepy" jerms

  • If the only words you know to the opening theme of Raw are "LAYIN' FACE DOWN" - drink

  • If there is no "Last Week" collage to open the show - drink

  • If there are two cans of Hansen's Energy Drink are at ringside - drink

  • If anyone actually drinks from one of the cans - chug

  • If you've ever had Hansen's Energy Drink - drink (beer, not Energy Drink)

  • If someone is (I love this) ...WALKING! - drink

  • If they're in civilian clothes because they can show up to work late, and you and I can't - chug

  • If The Rock punks out an unfortunate fan - drink

  • If Michael Cole is waiting to interview someone - drink

  • For every catchphrase that The Rock uses that you have heard before - SIP! This goes along with that alcohol poisoning thing I said earlier.

  • If beret wearing security guard Jim Dotson just happens to be in the right place at the right time in the crowd - drink

  • If Mideon spells his name differently than he did last night on Heat - drink

  • If JR calls poor Terry Taylor "Rooster" - drink

  • If there is an ad for Happy Hour - drink (because you just know the guests on that show are all drunk when they do it. Except for "Wierd Al", because he doesn't drink)

  • If HHH does his impersonation of David Caruso's career and says "It's my turn" or "It's my time" - drink

  • If there are two or more former college or pro-footbal players in the ring at the same time - drink

  • If Mankind refers to Al Snow in a derogatory way ("He can't work for Laz-y-Boy because everybody knows he doesn't sell chairs") - drink

  • If you laugh out loud at a Mankind interview - drink

  • If you laugh out loud at an Undertaker interview, and it wasn't supposed to be funny - chug

  • If one of the Hardys does something really REALLY insane - drink

  • If Bob Holly gets chokeslammed by Kane - cheer and then drink

  • If Gangrel gets one of them surgically-fused-to-his-teeth fangs knocked out of his head - drink

  • If it goes through his nose - chug

  • If the crowd chants "Asshole" - drink

  • If the crowd chants "Asshole" to someone other than a McMahon - chug

  • If the crowd reactions seem suspiciously canned - drink

  • If The Big Show actually uses his catchphrase "And that's the last word" - chug

  • If your local station runs a promo for an upcoming WCW PPV - drink

  • If you know the name of the ref in the ring - drink

  • If out of habit you automatically call him "Blind _____ ______" - chug

  • If Kane is wrestling better then Taker - drink

  • If you realize that Road Dogg's signature moves are pretty weak, and don't ever finish anyone off - drink

  • If Chyna has chaps on, but no pants - drink

  • If HHH "shoots" about MSG - drink

  • If anyone still believes that he really got punished for it now that it's an angle - stop drinking and take a nap

  • If Jarrett tells us we won't get puppies tonight - drink

  • If we do anyway - cheer and drink

  • If Austin goes to all four turbuckles during his entrance - drink

  • If USA bleeps Austin (That's all I have to say about that you sorry son of a -----) - drink

  • If USA misses the word (You walking dead piece of -------- ass ) - drink

  • If USA bleeps a word that didn't have to be bleeped (And that's the bottom ********* said so)- drink

  • If USA doesn't even bother trying to bleep the show - drink

  • If USA doesn't bother to bleep the show, and it's taped - chug

  • If the overrun lasts until at least 11:10 - drink

  • If JR calls HHH a "master technical wrestler" - snicker and drink

  • If Steve Blackman has cool weapons, but doesn't use them - drink

  • If you mention Blackman in your column only because this is CRZ's site - chug

  • If Sgt. Slaughter "acts" - drink

  • If you had the Sgt. Slaughter G.I.Joe action figure and Triple T Tank - chug, and wish you still had it so you could sell it on eBay. Hey, wait a minute. There was a Refrigerator Perry G.I.Joe figure, AND he was in WM2 for that battle royal. Looks like WWF employed the only two real life characters made into 4" G.I Joe characters. Neat.

  • If you actually listen to King Ass's intro song lyrics - laugh and drink

  • If you really miss "WEEEEEEELLLLL, Well it's the Big Show..." - drink

  • If you prefer Mankind's original music to his new stuff - drink and join the club: Membership - 1

  • If you notice that the only two guys to not change their music in the past two years are Kane and Austin - drink

  • If The Undertaker has ANOTHER DIFFERENT INTRO SONG THIS WEEK - tap a fucking keg

  • If the band that plays "No Chance in Hell" sounds an awful lot like the band that plays "Thorn in your Eye" sounds an awful lot like the DX band sounds an awful lot like Rage Against The Machine - chug

  • If you're now too drunk to change the channel and you're stuck watching Happy Hour - eat the worm (tequilla worm, not Dennis Rodman)

    Later,

    Chuck Carlin
    Just found out what "Papi Chulo" means from his spanish speaking coworker

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    Guest column text copyright (C) 1999 by the individual author and used with permission