Welcome friends! Just a reminder that just because something can suck my butt, that don't mean it's bad.

I think my ballot for the RSPW awards got lost in the mail this year since I had some problems trying to mail it two weeks ago. If that indeed is the case, then have no fear, I will put my year-end opinions into my next column.

Go see Dogma and Sleep Hollow. I read The Green Mile as it came out, and it was great then, so it's gonna have to be great now. And go get Metallica S+M. In my opinion, it is the best album I've heard since Radiohead's OK Computer. But I am biased since I love Metallica, and I love classical, so that makes this album like chocolate and peanut butter, like Wizard of Oz and Dark Side of the Moon; two great things that are even better together.

I've got a problem. No, it's not butt-related, it's just something I've been thinking about. You see, my good friend (lie) Vampiro recently lost to non-wrestler, and booker Ed Ferrarrarra. What has become of my poor wrestling? I understand the thinking behind it, and the theory is that of course Vamp and a Misfit will get their revenge on Dr. Death and Ed at Starcade. But you know what the problem with this is, and somebody really needs to explain this the Powers That Can Suck My Butt, the PPVs have been getting .45 buyrates. This means that many people see Vampiro lose to Oklahoma on Nitro. Not as many people see him get his revenge. This leaves most fans feeling that Vamp is damaged goods, that he lost to a fat, annoying non-wrestler, because they will never see the retribution. That's BAD. Well, sure they'll know what happened come Monday, but it's far less powerfull hearing about something than actually seeing it. In a time when WCW's PPVs are in a slump, at least some of the pat-offs have to be on Nitro. It's just that simple. People aren't buying the PPVs right now, but they are watching Nitro. Granted, not MANY people are watching Nitro, but it's there. What those wacky boys need to do is just forget about the WWF way of using shows to build up to a PPV and instead use shows to build up the next show. What am I saying? Why? What's the significance? I don't know. (Now that's an obscure reference right there. Anyone? Hey, it works for that other guy. Or am I stealing his gimmick?)

I didn't realize just how much I liked Steve Austin until he left. I kinda took him for granted, as I think many people did. I would watch him do his thing and think to myself "Gee, he sure has deteriorated. That broken neck couldn't have been THAT bad." It wasn't until just last week when they did their huge monthly run-in ending to Raw, you know, the one where some face, let's say Test, is getting the beat down from D-X or something, and then one by one, it's the faces to the rescue; Shane, Kane, Mankind, Rock. You know, I was waiting to hear the glass break. I expected it. It's probably the single most significant and recognisable sound in all of pro-wrestling. The second probably being the Undertaker's "BONG" (not to be confused with the Road Dogg's "bong")

That's when it hit me: The Rock will not be the next Steve Austin. Nobody will. Nobody can honestly get away with coming out to a tag-team match 5 minutes after his partner does, just so he can make the save. As much as Austin was an S.O.B. with no friends, he was at least a believable savior. The Rock is not. The Rock mocks everyone maliciously. He doesn't know, or care to know, the names of his fellow employees. Sure, he's a jerk like Austin was, but he's still not a hero. Not yet. As good and mean as Austin's "Bad Ass" persona was, it was still believable and human. He saved Stephanie from her first marriage, even though he hated her father at the time. He was the most believable character in the sport. Lots of people like beer and cursing and get mad at their bosses. But how many people do you know who is so arrogant he doesn't use anyone's real names? Only refers to themselves in the third person? Oh sure, he showed a touch of a human side when he told Mick about liking his book, but that's really not enough. For the crowd to be fully behind a mega-babyface, the man has to be a hero. The Rock just isn't a hero. And I get the feeling that unless he changes his ways fast, Pavlov's dogs are going to realize their not being fed after all and leave.

I have a confession before I delve into my next topic. I get WWF magazine. I get Raw magazine. They were gifts last Christmas from my brother who thought it would be cute, so it's not entirely my fault. Now that I've cleared that up...

Injuries Can Suck My Butt

Every month, J.R. does a watered-down version of his Ross Report for Raw magazine, but since these are usually written 4 weeks before they get on the shelves, the news isn't quite all that accurate. But one this in this Ross Report really stuck out to me. Here, I'll quote it:

"Stone Cold Steve Austin is still the biggest star in the history of the business and will be the World Wrestling Federation Champion again. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Whatever it takes, the Rattlesnake will do whether it's the popular choice or not. Remember, rattlesnakes do not play well with others."

What does this mean? It means that at the time of this printing, Steve Austin was supposed to be a heel, with J.R. defending him, meaning we were probably supposed to get our Austin heel turn at Survivor Series. Drat. I was really looking forward to that, as I think many of you also were.

While I'm upset, I'm gonna vent a little here. The American Flag has absolutely no business being desecrated in a wrestling angle. Acting or not, it is an outright disgusting display. I understand what the Revolution is trying to do, and that's fine, but you do not throw the American Flag to the ground and stand on it. Being in the U.S. Military, I defend that flag, and I understand the meaning that it holds for millions of people. My grandfather flew over Berlin to defend that flag. All of his friends died defending that flag. It's not just a symbol of our country, it is a symbol of everything that someone in my profession believes in. It was not necessary to do what they did, and that won't be forgiven. Now before I get angry emails, I want to point out that this has nothing to do with my status as a WWF mark, Shawn Michaels was wrong when he did it to the Canadian Flag, just as the Rev were wrong in doing it to the U.S. Flag.

*Phew*, let me just catch my breath for a second.

So the WWF has to tone down their show, and it's effective now, seeing as the Road Dogg and Godfather have different entrance lines. I say: GOOD! It's about damn time. The more they rely on shock value, the more they get like Springer, the faster they'll fall out of grace like Springer and Morton Downey Jr did. Too bad they didn't get the hint before losing their sponsors and in the process much trading revenue. If I want to see women in skimpy clothing bouncing around, I'll turn on Showtime or Friends. If a wrestler needs to rely on controversial subjects and language to get over, then it's just too bad for them; hell The Godfather is pulled off of Smackdown.

Catchphrases Can Suck My Butt

Ok kids, it's been rattling around in my head this whole time, and now I'm going to write it. Wrestlers these days have found a new way of getting cheap face heat. It's called the "Sing-Along". It catches on fast, because the crowd wants to be part of the show. That's why they bring the signs, that's why they say The Rock's promos for him. They're on TV! I'm guilty of it, sure. At a live show, I'm right there singing along with The Rock, because it is fun. For now. The problem is that any shmo (read: Road Dogg) can walk out to the ring and have the crowd say things to him. You want to know why The Rock has the crowd so well trained? It's because he's had over a year to do it. The Outlaws have been saying the same damned thing forever, and you can hear in the crowd response that it's wearing a little thin. I wonder how long it will be until that happens to The Rock?

Before I go, I want to make fun of some people.

I'm sure most of you have heard the Bret Hart quote "It strikes me very sad that I somehow ended up being the last WWF champion to carry the belt with honour, the last in a long line of distinguished title holders." I've got a question for Brett. I know you didn't like Shawn or Hunter, but weren't you singing the praises of Mankind and The Undertaker in your little documentary? Shit, Foley stood up for you the night after you were booted out, he risked his job, and this is how you pay your thanks. And it's not like he just rattled off the quote in an interview without thinking, it was in his column. He knew what he was saying. And you know, I almost started to respect that man. Oh well.

A few months ago, the guy who played the Gaseous Wiener on Conan O'Brian was hired as a writer for the WWF, and ever since then, the Powers That Can Suck My Butt have been making fun of him for not being a "wrestling guy", and for coming from the world of corporate television. Well, I thought I'd share this little quote that I got from an article about the Powers:

"Russo got his start in wrestling as an editor of W.W.F. magazine, but Ferrara studied theater in college, is an alumnus of the short-lived UPN series, "The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer" and says his favorite playwrights are Peter Schaffer and Shakespeare."

There's something that can be said about casting stones, but it's late and I'm tired. I'm going to go make myself a tuna sandwich.

Ok, I'm back. Ladies, if you want to know the way to my heart, it is via a double-decker tuna sandwich on white bread with just a hint of garlic salt. So WWF is pushing The Rock's new biography down our throats, and I have a question: Who the Hell is going to buy that? I'll tell you why I won't: 1. His illustrious wrestling career spans all of about half a decade. 2. This book isn't written by The Rock. If it was, I would consider reading it, but it's not. That's what made Have A Nice Day such a good book, his stories were first hand, they had heart, and weren't filtered or faked. But I get the feeling that this Rock bio is going to come across more like those Britney Spears books that are popping up then anything else. And a Chyna one is next? Again, who cares? How about Austin? Hell, how about Vince? I'd buy that in a heartbeat.

Oh ya, if this gets posted before the weekend, all of you need to listen to the web cast of radio station WCFM, 91.9 out of Williamstown, Mass Friday night from midnight to 8am EST. That will be the traditional Trivia Contest. You can listen in, and then call in with answers to the trivia. It's buckets of fun, and since I'm assisting in running this contest, my friend Chris and I managed to put a bit of a wrestling theme into some of the contest. We were originally going to have people come and guess which moves and holds I was performing on people as part of a "Bonus", but we decided that that would be very stupid. So listen in. Just go to http://wcfm.williams.edu/index.html for the real audio link up.

In closing, I'd just like to say that CRZ truly is "clearly a smart guy with a great sense of humor."

HAHAHAHAHAHA!