Remember - just because something can suck my butt, doesn't mean it is a bad thing.

Quote of the week: "Carlin SCARES me" - CRZ

These people can suck my butt.

Who'd a thunk it, I got some email!

From: Shawn Colton
Okay, that was a very interesting column. I liked it a lot. I'm not sure all those people sucking your butt isn't gonna come back to haunt you when your older, though.
I too totally dug the Acolytes/ Funaki and Michinoku angle. I thought the acting ( irony ! ) was a little weak but who'd have ever thought Faarooq could be so darned entertaining ? I'm an Acolyte acolyte right now. God help me.

I wish that they had run with that Acolytes v. Kientai angle, it would have really gotten Kientai over. Oh well, at least we got a food fight.

From: trdn89
Congratulations on coming up with the phrase of the year. I have used the phrase "____ can suck my butt" more than four times. A lot more. The title "Women's Tennis Can Suck My Butt" may be the funniest thing ever seen on /wrestling. And your columns are good, too. My only suggestion is to make the damn things longer (that's what she said, yuk yuk yuk). And don't feel required to throw the Money Phrase into EVERY column- restraint is the watchword, my good sir; restraint.

Well, I appreciate the sentiment, and I'm glad to know that I am making a difference. The problem with making these things longer is that I have homework to do, and I usually write this column as a way to procrastinate writing a Philosophy paper. As for the butt-sucking, I've decided to make it a theme, and while I normally prefer restraint when it comes to butt-sucking, I think that it has found a nice little home here on [slash]. In fact, I am quite proud to be known as That "Can Suck My Butt" Guy.

Toys can suck my butt.

While I was out Christmas shopping the other day, I came across some toys that I found to be quite offensive. There was a whole display of Universal Pictures' Monster toys, and they all came with extra heads, the mummy came with wrapped and unwrapped heads, Mr. Hyde came with a Dr. Jeckyl head, and it got me thinking, as I saw these toys with the heads next to them; these toys depict violence toward women and doctors! These toys come with the severed heads of their victims! That's horrible! We can't go around encouraging our children to attack women and doctors. After all, we need doctors. I also found some cool Sleepy Hollow toys, and the Horseman toy comes with some really neat accessories. Go check it out.

The Military can suck my butt.

Ok, I am sick and tired of reading all of these columns about the "weak kneed" Air Force, Army, and Navy. Screw you guys, I am in the Air Force, and we are not "weak kneed". Hey, who has won every war since Vietnam, huh?
That's right, the U.S. Military. So don't go blaming the entire military for pulling out of WWF sponsorship, there were two people who made that call, one Army Colonel and one Navy Captain. I didn't have anything to do with it, so leave me the hell alone!

The WWF can suck my butt.

So as we come up on the next WWF PPV offering, let's look at the matches on the card so far. Ok, let's not because they all SUCK. In the last few weeks, our poor WWF has been treading water, which is ok for one Raw, but not for an entire month. Big Show was given the belt, but he's stuck in the first half hour of Raw and Smackdown, and being fed mid-carders. That's fine if you want to get Show over, but horrible booking for the WWF champ. Right now, anybody would have more credibility than him; HHH, Mankind, Rock, even Kane. Well, maybe not Kane since he got stuck with whatserface. Here's my point: let's compare how the WWF took two semi-over performers and made them WWF Champs, and how each one attained... uh... over-ness. HHH was given the belt a bit early, and most people said at the time that he shouldn't have it, he wasn't over enough. So he went and did a lot of bad-ass stuff. He attacked people with freaking sledge hammers, he put Mankind and Austin out for months. And he got really good at cutting promos without millions... and millions of catchphrases. All in all HHH proved himself to be a very good killer heel. Now, let's look at Paul Wight. (Remember when he first came into the WWF and he had a new nick-name like every week? Big Nasty?) Since becoming WWF Champ, he's beaten a comatose Chris Jericho, Prince Albert, Kane by count-out, I mean what's next a handicap match against Kientai? The man hasn't been able to beat the Big Bossman in two damn months, outside of house shows. Now we have Bossman booked in a championship match, which I'm sure is one of the signs of the apocalypse. But at least Big Show can get over with his promos and mic skill. HAHAHAHAHAHA. *achem*

The other main feud going on is the Vince v. HHH feud, which I'm sure everyone has seen is just not working, for whatever reason. It could be that Vince isn't a great babyface, it could be that we've seen this for two years with Austin, it could be that HHH is the only actual heel member of DX, it could be a lot of things. This is not a feud that is working, and the HHH v. McMahon match is not a draw, especially not the draw that Austin v. McMahon was. My friend Chris pointed out that when it was Austin v. McMahon, we knew what we were going to get: Austin was going to beat the shit out of Vince. Now we're probably going to get HHH over-selling Vince's offense followed by a huge DX / New Corporation clusterfuck. Great. Maybe we can expect the Kane v. Viscera match to be our big pay-off.

Random closing thoughts can suck my butt.

You know, I think I'll shine some light on this whole Oklahoma thing. Making fun of J.R.'s bells palsy isn't very cool, and I'll show you why. How about if I make fun of Christopher Reeve? You wouldn't like that would you? "Oh hey, I'm Christopher Reeve, and I... uh..." Ok, so that really doesn't work well in written word. That was a joke people. Seriously now, I don't mind the bells palsy thing, but what I do mind is that the impression just isn't funny. Any putz can go out there with a drawl and a hat and yell a lot and make up football backgrounds. Let's see Ed actually call some wrestling moves. And I swear to God, if I hear Fat Tony mock J.R. one more fucking time...