Saying that something can suck my but isn't always a bad thing...

WCW Mayhem Can Suck My Butt

Well, in a surprise move (to me) it looks like Mayhem really wasn't that bad. I didn't order it but I read the reports. See, this is a big moment for me, because I have stubbornly been strictly anti-WCW for many years. Ever since I was minding my own business, watching Monday Night Raw and here came this Monday Nitro. I couldn't believe it, they even ripped off the name! Monday Nite- Ro. Ecch. Anyone who wants to can read about WCW's first year of Nitro and figure out why I would be unimpressed. Anyway, back to the present. You should see now why it is so hard for me to say this. If this PPV was as good as it sounds, it just might mean something. It might mean that even though WCW is currently swamped with the crappy self-promotion of the Powers That Can Suck My Butt, and has a few other minor things wrong with the show (production), Nitro should become the better show. Giving Hart / Benoit 18 minutes to a clean finish was a great way to send everybody home happy from the PPV, now let’s see if they implement it on TV. This match showed a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, our favorite writers paid attention to that Owen tribute match and what it meant. Maybe they know that we do want some wrestling after all. That is good.

Wrestlers that try to act Can Suck My Butt

See, what I just can't grasp is that some people think wrestling is only good for it's angles, stories, characters, and acting. But you know what, 95% of pro-wrestlers can not act. Sure there are some exceptions - Foley, Piper, Austin - but in general wrestlers can NOT act. Wrestling plots are laughably pathetic; plotlines being dropped without notice, selective memory, there are infinite examples. Wasn't Mankind REALLY pissed at the Rock like 3 weeks ago? My point is, if this were any other type of program, it would be laughed off the air. Or at least put on the same network as that Dilbert show. Hey, wait a minute. Anyway, what makes this show special is that it is centered on men that have arguments, and resolve them by beating the shit out of each other. Isn't that what most men have a primal urge to do? " Fuck this merger crap, how about I kick your ass and take your bank."

It's true that some people focus more on one aspect or the other; the arguments or the beating the shit out of each other. But it takes a healthy mix of the two to really make a wrestling program work. A simple, meaningless match is not as fun to watch as a match with a few weeks build-up. Of course, this in itself evolved from the fact that most wrestlers can not - or have forgotten how to - tell a whole story within a match. What story does an Austin match tell? Or Goldberg? The match itself tells nothing, and that is exactly why most of the wrestling audience today sits through matches waiting for a finishing move to pop for. The matches are on average pretty boring stuff. Sure, the wrestlers do more, but there's no heart to it. That Tag Team Ladder match was awesome, but had no point aside from money and cheesecake, it had no story to it, just lots of big falls. It didn't used to be like this. I just watched my old (OLD) WrestleMania III tape the other day, and I was captivated by nearly every match. Hell, even the Hercules "Battle of the Full Nelsons" match was fun to watch. It had a plot, the match told a story. Unless Bret Hart is involved, you don't have match psychology worth noting nowadays. Hell, Mick Foley used to be the king of telling a story through his matches, while throwing in his key spots. Now he just comes out, punches the guy, gets punched, throws on the finisher. This new tendency toward filling 5-10 minutes with either brawling or high spots with no story connecting anything can suck my butt.

Heat Can Suck My Butt

On a side note, that Acolytes v. Kientai angle on Heat was classic. The vignettes leading up to it were hysterical as Farrooq mocked Bradshaw the whole show, and the match (as short as it was) told a great story. The Acolytes were the fish out of water, they had to wrestle a technical match. Farrooq started out with some neat Greco-Roman college level stuff, but it never got anywhere. After 2 minutes, the Acolytes got frustrated and beat the shit out of Kientai. (By the way, whom did THEY piss off this week? Those boys got KILLED after the match) That match could easily have played out fantastically on a PPV, a 16 minute timed match, 8 minutes technical, 8 minutes brawling. Total pinfalls after the ten minutes wins. For fun, have a tie and go to sudden death. See the psych here as the Acolytes need to adjust to mat wrestling through the beginning, and Kientai has to avoid being killed through the end. Great match, great psychology.

And that is what is hurting the big two and a half, it's that as fun (or pointless) as the vignettes are, as much as the people like the stories, the payoff matches have mostly been duds lately. Nobody conditioned the crowd to only like catchphrases and finishers. The wrestlers forgot how to tell a compelling story in a match. Again, this does not include all wrestlers, hell some guys can make a **** match out of a chinlock and an arm bar.

The Conclusion Can Suck My Butt

Of course, I do not blame the wrestlers. In fact, the boys today work probably 100 times harder than wrestlers ever did up to the early 90's. And they work hurt. Kudos to Steve Austin, Undertaker, Foley, and even Hogan lately for coming in and playing hurt, not to mention the dozens I didn't... mention. These guys give us everything they've got, they give us of their souls (tee-hee), but we still "poo-poo" most matches. No, it's not the wrestlers' fault, it's just what they've become accustomed to. In a way, it is the wrestlers who have been conditioned, not the fans.

Wow, did I ever wander around in this one. Oh well.