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Brandon Boon

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BLAH

THE COLUMN

Greetings and salutations, folks. It is I, Boon, jack of all cliches, master of... well, a bunch. Whatever.

I had a pretty freakin' good week. I got Marvel vs. Capcom 2 (buy it--there's nothing as cool as taking three buff Russian wrestlers and beating up a bunch of little pretty-boys!), and my friend brought over a truckload of tapes, some really cool (if slightly dated) older stuff (Yup, Flair's the man), and... a lot of tapes from the last year. Between the soda, wrestling, and Zangief using cool moves like the Final Atomic Buster on tiny lego men, we were having a ball.

Then came Wrestlemania 2000.

Now, it was Foley's last match, and it had the triple threat table/ladder gimmick of death match, so it got high points to begin with. But after watching it, as well as a few recent WCW tapes, I had one lingering question on my mind. Why the hell does everyone feel the need to swerve constantly?

Don't get me wrong, predictability will eventually kill you. If people consistently get over 3/4 of their PPV predictions right, yeah, a swerve or two is definitely in order. On the other hand, we've progressed to the point where we expect swerves--all the traditional outcomes get thrown out the window in lieu of the swerves.

Case in point: WM2K. Foley's last match. Foley's been hyped. Foley's the man. Foley better win. It would make sense, and everybody goes home happy. But we need a SWERVE!!! Why send them home happy when you can send them home scratching their heads and grumbling?

Another case in point: Great American Bash. Goldberg turned heel. Why? Because they needed to SWERVE us! Who needs logic? We've got SWERVES! Give the fans what they want? Hah! Appeasement is for the weak!

Constant swerves suck. Sometimes, people prefer logic. How do you think fans would react if Star Wars Episode II was vintage Star Wars (and I'm talking classic trilogy here), with a great mix of dramatics, humor, and action--right until the last 5 minutes, when Obi-Wan and Anakin get floored by the head of the Jedi Council, and the screen fades to credits as we see Emperor Palpatine standing above their unconscious bodies? It'd be a swerve, right? Throw logic and continuity out the window, because George Lucas, in all his genius, managed to swerve the fans. Now, how many of these swerved fans would be ready to class-action Lucasfilm? That's the point.

Swerves are to be used in moderation--remember '98 and '99, when the Steve Austin/Vince McMahon war was full-blown? We had, usually, around 1 main-event level swerve a month, tops. Off the top of my head, I can only think of Shane McMahon's heel turn. Fast forward to present day, where, in a desperate attempt to shred our attention span even further, EVERYONE is turning heel/face/whatever. If McMahon and Russo Whoever's In Charge Of WCW These Days wants to really surprise the fans, run a clean main event. No run-ins, no turns, no nothing.

Picture, if you will, a Facgime matchup where Steph doesn't try to waffle the face, where all of DX doesn't do a run in, where the ref doesn't bump. A nice, clean, straight match. THAT would be something everyone would pop for. If you want to stick another swerve in there, let the heel win without the interference. Nobody expects that these days. Bring back a heel like Owen Hart, who consistently won matches because he was that good and he knew it. I've gotten so sick of run-ins and swerves that I actually left the room when Steph appeared in the Angle/Y2J KotR match. Yeah, when Angle got the pin on Jericho, we knew he'd be the King, but if the WWF wanted to SWERVE us, they could've made Bull Buchanan the tourney winner. Count your blessings.

Notes -X-Pac wins again. Sigh. Hey, Waltman, what DOES a penis implant taste like, anyway? Stupid X-Pac. -Jericho and the Rock apparently both have Spit of DoomTM. I wish I could knock people for a loop by spitting in my hand and slapping them. -Why the hell does JR pronounce Rikishi "Rock-ishi?" What is he cooler now that his name sounds like a main-eventer? -Is ECW turning Lynn heel? This is folly. That's like turning Guerrero face--it just shouldn't be done. -If H3 is so obsessive about getting the championship back, why doesn't he just steal the belt? He is blatantly ignoring the old wrestling cliche of "whoever holdeth the belt is champion," and he wouldn't be the first heel to steal a belt. Besides, he's got all of DX--X-Pac's Spinning Heel Kick of Doom has been proven to be more than enough to take out the Rock. Stupid X-Pac. -Battle of the booker-blowing non-jobbing egomaniacs: X-Pac or Hogan? Mail me, people! Stupid X-Pac.

Brandon "I wanna be an Oracle" Boon
Treasurer, Future Husbands of Jennifer Love Hewitt

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Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission