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Brandon Boon

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THE COLUMN

Greetings again to The Column, where creative names are... rather rare. Blech. Regardless, let me start with a few apologies. Actually, only one. Zed, reader(s?), sorry for not including the Light Heavyweight and Women's titles on that belt writeup. I'd like to take a moment to defend my actions. So here's the list.

WWF WOMEN'S CHAMPION
Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley

Top Contenders:
Who knows? Who cares?

This division needs a thorough scrapping. Tori, Ivory, Jacqueline, whoever, you may not mind showing massive amounts of flesh in the ring--hell, you might even be great wrestlers, but the women's division has like, FIVE legit wrestlers. On a good day, and if all these reports of releases and firings aren't true. I think the last REAL women's match I saw was Luna vs. Jacqueline for the title, and it lasted all of about 2 minutes. I remember the "highlight" of the match was after Luna lost, Gangrel went in and did an Implant DDT (and I believe that's the last time he used that move on national TV, too), which Our Stalwart Women's Champion sold very well. And I think we can all agree that that "title defense" on SmackDown! required about as much athletic ability and workrate as a game of thumb war. So nuts to the Women's belt. Remember why it failed back in the mid-90s? No, it wasn't because the wrestlers weren't getting a big push, it's because there was the one champion and some jobber with a bra that we'd never heard of before. And every week, it was a different jobber, so there weren't exactly many epic storylines. Oh, and the matches sucked, too. Something about having to have silicone to please the matches, but it's hard to take a Pedigree when you've got 40-inch airbags. Eh. Do away with the division. If you had 10 or more TV-qualified people that consistently got airtime, it might be worth it. But face it, there are better workers and better draws in the men's division that aren't getting the push they deserved already.



WWF LIGHTHEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION
Dean Malenko

Top Contenders:
None

Here's the problem with the Lightheavyweight belt. It's been buried, too. Dean has the title, but he's in the middle of a two-on-two feud, so his chances of defending the belt in a one-on-one match (see, because singles titles are decided through SINGLES matches, because--oh, wait, if you're still reading this, you've already heard of that "logic" thing) are rather slim. The solutions for this problem are laughably simple, though it does require some balls on the part of the WWF.

Make a legit LH division. Sacrifice a few tag teams from the overcrowded Tag division, and you've got a thing of beauty. Why? Kaientai. Either Hardy. Rios. Malenko. The list goes on. It may not be too big on pops for the first few weeks--oh, the hell it won't, a LH title match with credibility is like the ring announcer saying "ladies and gentleman, this match is for the WWF 'Can go 5 minutes without resorting to punching' title..." It reeks of spotfests. If said spotfests are well-planned, ratings rise as small foreigners continue to sail like, well, small foreigners through the air. Of course, even a LH division has to have some technical guys and all--after all, logic says that they're different based on weight classes, not fighting styles. Which means that 230-pound Tazz would have a better chance of making it in than 345-pound Edge, despite the fact that Edge does top rope stuff. Plus, if 230 becomes the cutoff weight (and it should be there, if not a bit higher--I think the Hardys both weigh in at 225-230), Tazz could find a gimmick as a monster in the division. Plus, guys like Edge who do high-flyer moves but are above the weight line could actually get some recognition in the big leagues. Hey look, it's the only WWF Heavyweight Champion ever to do a shooting star press! Wow!

Now for some sad news. I don't like the WWFs chances in the coming 2 years. I mean, hey, they're on top. Raw is kicking the living crap out of Nitro in the ratings. They've got a locker room staffed with some of the best talent out there. So what's the problem?

That's where WCW was not so long ago. Destroying all competition, with a locker room most feds would drool over. Benoit, Guerrero, Jericho, Malenko. WCW had more quality talent than it knew what to deal with. It had gobs of talent, and an extremely successful storyline. Then it lost some of its focus, the storylines cooled down, and there got to be some friction in the locker room.

Look where WCW is today. A grand total of 47 viewers in the free world. No signs of anything getting better, and all of its good talent getting shelved, suspended, or stuck with lame gimmicks (GI Bro? C'mon, he'd be more over if he used his real name!).

If things don't change soon in the WWF, they might turn out the same. The WWF has more quality talent than it knows what to deal with. The Hardys, Dudleys, Benoit, Guerrero, Jericho, Malenko, Rios, Kaientai, Blackman, D-Lo, the list goes on. The reason the tag team division is so overcrowded is because they need to cram as many guys as possible into those precious 10 minutes to make sure that they get some exposure. And we haven't even touched on the main-eventers.

So how do we deal with this problem?

Cut the promos. You want promos? Get 'em before and after the match. Get 'em on Heat, where they only slate 3 matches a night anyway. Get 'em on Livewire, Metal, and all those other secondstring shows where they'll actually make a difference in the ratings. Get 'em as far away from those 4 hours of prime exposure you have per week. If the WWF threw out all of its monstrous interview segments and concentrated on having one match every quarter (which gives the guys in the ring about 10 minutes plus catchphrases--not too shabby by today's standards), it could get a lot of these guys in circulation long enough to actually draw some heat. And, from what I've heard, the WWF has nice, long breaks in the arenas when the commercials come up. If we're about to wade in to another 20-minute UPN ad extravaganza, throw in a freakin' dark match. Have a wrestler cut a promo. Just save the TV time for the stuff we want to see! And clear out the roster. A lot of WCW's deserters left because all the pushes were going to the slow, lazy, and complacent. Somebody should've learned a lesson from that. So why is Bossman still on my monitor? His ring skills are debatable, the few promos he cuts suck, and for every Bossman match I see, I can usually think of about 2 wrestlers I haven't seen that night yet that would be better to have in there. Have Bossman and the Headbangers go to house shows, because broadcast time is too precious to waste.

I don't think the WWF will hit the bottom of WCWs slide. The big difference about the WWF and WCW is in the Vinces. McMahon has been promoting wrestling forever. The only thing that could send the company straight down the toilet is if he completely dumps it for the XFL. Russo, on the other hand, is a hack writer who occasionally threw in ideas at booking sessions. The only thing that could bring WCW back up is if Crash TV got scrapped, and Russo learned that the greatest gimmick in the world means nothing if your world champion moves with the speed and grace of an armadillo.

Whew, that was long-winded. Next week, I promise to actually talk about more recent stuff.

Notes

  • I did not realize WCW had a PPV until about 12 hours before the event. Truly a sad state of affairs, when you take into consideration the fact that I watched about 3 hours of WCW programming this week. Yeah. I paid attention.

  • Eddie (Eddy?) Guerrero is the man. Forget HHH, I want Eddie as my heel champ. That match with Crash Holly had a nice armdrag/rana thingy (anyone know what that move is called? Anyone?), as well as some really good (but distressingly short) technical work.

  • Benoit's interviews are getting better. The super-intense gimmick is working well, because he can still be intimidating without raising his voice, and if he speaks a lot better than he shouts.

  • Mail me. You know you want to. Just check out that e-mail address. Oh yeah, baby.

  • Mr. T mailed me. T, you you kick ass and leave footprints. I am thy loyal schill, and swear upon the oath of Schiavone never to defame thee.

  • Spaulding got a close second by mentioning me in his column. I'd swear schilldom by the name of The Mark, but would you honestly WANT that?

  • Looks like we're keeping the name for a bit. Don't like it? Mail me.

  • Oh yeah, go check out CyanIndigo's stuff and Michaelangelo's, too. Mikey's GBUs are hilarious, and Cyan, well... Cyan rocks (schill! schill! schill!). So there.

    Brandon Boon
    freelance

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