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| Guest Columns | Paul Daniel Bond |
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Wrestling Dementia This Week: Back from a break, the crown prince of CRZ inspired sarcastic wrestling commentary makes his glorious return to [slash], and there was much rejoicing. Well? Rejoice damn you all! Just a couple of disjointed thoughts before I delve into this weeks real topic. First on the list, it looks like WCW managed to supremely botch the booking on a ton of their storylines, as of last nights Fall Brawl. They find a babyface that gets a better reaction day in and day out than Hogan in Sting and turn the son of a bitch heel. I suppose this just goes to show all us smarts who thought that things would change now that Eric Bitch-ass has gone the way of the Buffalo. Apparently the only requirement Ted Turner has for those wishing to run WCW is a misguided devotion to the cult of Hogan. News flash to the new booking staff: The return of Hulkamania didn't save Bischoff's job, so I'll bet my ass that it won't save yours when the ratings, gates, and buy rates keep plummetting. Now the fans will be forced to watch Hogan make a mockery of what little remaining dignity he has. The sad fact is that an actively wrestling babyface Hogan means more of the same for all four of the WCW fans that are reading this column, and given my natural empathy that makes me hurt for you. I know that you, you poor poor misguided souls that watch Nitro religiously, will see the decrepit one "hulk up" to vanquish all foes with his patented "Mediocre Punch" and his devestating "Shitty Leg Drop of Doom." I know you sad sad people will be forced to endure the bastard wrestling with the speed and agility of a man half his years. (Side note: that last comment could be looked at as complimentary to Hogan, until you realize that he's 289 years old. Thus, he wrestles with the speed and agility usually found in someone that is a 144.5 years young. Usually the only thing such men are good at is pinching the asses of the occasional nurse that is unlucky enough to wonder into their path.) What pisses me off even more is that I now fear that Hogan won't get to work that program with the Cat that was in the works. Ernest Millet may be the only guy in WCW that could make Hogan's wrestling chops look good. Plus, unlike 99% of WCW workers, he does a solid job on the mic. I would love to hear the promos the Cat could cut running the world's most dangerous AARP member down. But that's neither here nor there. I was talking about Fall Brawl. Must focus...Must make it through PPV and news commentary.... Then there is Sid's win over Benoit, Steiner's win over Saturn, and the First Family going over Malenko and Douglas. Those three losses pretty much seal up the fate of the Revolution. Benoit was gradually gaining credibility among the marks (and we all know they're the only ones that matter to the bookers) as a U.S. Title Holder, but Chris was tragically pushed aside so Sid could get on top of the squirrels. Saturn was on the verge of becoming the least charismatic wrestler to be over in history. And while Malenko and Douglas have yet to show it, anyone who remembers the original triple threat knows that they have the potential to be major comers in the title races. But as of last night, all that is gone. Benoit is just the latest in the long list of Sid's cheap-ass alleged wins, and he was the most important member of this particulat clique of homies. (Side Note 2: You know, maybe that whole ass-pinching thing I mentioned a bit ago explains how Hogan has kept on top for so long. Perhaps Bischoff should come out and admit that Hulk Hogan has been sexually harassing him for years, making him so ashamed that he traded Hogan main-event runs for silence. Kind of makes you feel for Bitch-ass, doesn't it.....okay....it didn't work on me....nor I doubt on you since dollars to donuts says you're a WWF mark if you're reading this.) In the aftermath of these three losses, the bookers aren't left with a lot of options. One option is to put Benoit in a program with Sid. This is a bad idea to say the least. Benoit needs to be feuding with wrestlers that can match up with him in terms of skill. The reason that Benoit, the charector, works is because his wrestling speaks for itself. He will get over because people will want to see that latest 5 star match that he produces. Trapping him against Sid is not the way to do this. Besides which, the powers that be have seen fit to give the fans a Goldberg/Sid feud. Don't ask me why. They could continue the feud with the First Family, but can anyone reading this remember the last time that stable had anyone that mattered even a god damned iota to the fans? Sure Hugh Morris is a solid under-pushed talent, but to have him go over Malenko and Douglas with Brian "I rub people's faces in my armpit" Knobs is a crime against humanity. But its pry all for the best as Douglas has gone from a master of the quasi-shoot heel promo to awkward dumb-fuck with a shitty catchphrase people are afraid to chant since he came to WCW. Is it just me or does it seem that even the workers in Turner-land who used to be good on the mic inevitably lose their ability to toss out even halfway decent promos? Must be something they put in the water in Atlanta. I will also be the first to admit that there are a couple of things on the undercard that have the potential to be entertaining if WCW doesn't fuck it up (anyone want to wager against those odds). I have to admit that I'm really digging the Lenny and Lodi pairing, even if Lane does look a bit too much like Jericho for his own good. What started out as a one-joke gimmick (whose punchline was ambiguously gay guys getting beaten up by their blatently heterosexual opponents) has turned into an angle that is both Sports and Entertainment (had to get that fucking term in here somewhere). Now they just need to let both Lenny and Lodi wrestle up to their potential, and before too long the fans might just forget that they both used to be jobbers. On a final note, the in-ring debut of Berlyn at Fall Brawl has finally convinced me that WCW is completely inept in the realm of deceloping a charector. They spend weeks hyping Berlyn, but only debut him a week before the PPV. Then at the PPV he has his first match not against Buff Bagwell, as was promised, but instead takes down Jim "I was on Hogan's cartoon show" Duggan. What a truly amazing start for the latest failure of the Turner booking Staff. As far as the rest of the wrestling world goes, there's a fairly good deal of interesting news out there. One rumor, fresh from Dave Scherer over at "Ryder's House o' Shill," purports that the WWF may be signing Taz after all. According to the report, ECW was late getting Taz the contract they had verbally agreed upon, and when they actually got it to him, it was less than Taz felt he had been promised. Endgame? The WWF snuck in and offered him a lucrative deal that Taz snatched up faster than you can say "ECW is losing all their most over homegrown talent just as their new show debuts." Seriously, if WCW or WWF managed to snatch up Sabu and RVD, you could stick a fork in ECW and call it done. Losing the Dudley Boyz was a bigger blow IMODO than most net commentators are making it. Taz is a wrestler whose name is synonymous with ECW. When you realize that ECW has also lost Shane Douglas (their "franchise") you can't help but see that things in Phlly are not coming up roses. Has anyone noticed that most newsboard reporters are almost universally marks pretending to be smarts because they think its cool? Anyone lump me in that catagory? Over in WWF it seems that we are amid the proverbial best and worst of times. On one hand, the booking is gradually turning HHH into a viable champion. That may seem like a good idea, but its a little late. They should have given HHH credibility before they gave him the belt. Its never a good sign when your #1 man, the champion, is defending the title during the first hour of Smackdown. I think that the gradually developing feud with Kane has a lot of potential, but given that the next PPV will feature a six man WWF championship match, it seems that we won't get to see Kane/HH until after Unforgiven (assuming HHH or Kane has the title after the PPV). But despite this, there are a lot of good things going on. The Buried Alive tag team match was great. I'm kind of glad to see main eventers wrestling in the tag division. It lends more credibility to thep and coming teams when they're wrestling for titles the Main Event singles stars have held. The WWF's strongest asset right now is their tag division. Look no farther than the show-stealing Summerslam tag elimination match. The Hardy's, Edge and Christian, Blue Meanie and Stevie Richards, and even the Acolytes are starting to get really over. Let hope the same turns out to be true for the Dudley Boys. Oh yea...the announcement. I'm tired of not getting any mail. Even a mailbox full of flames is better than a cold, empty, lonely mailbox. But unlike most writers, I'm not going to just complain about it, I'm going to do something about it. Later this week I'm going to post a new column which will be full of various and sundry comments meant solely to piss of the readers that didn't suffer through this column. They will in turn send me hate mail (I hope). Then I'll follow that up with my first ever "I Get Letters...the final rip off." In the meantime check out my band's website at http://listen.to/nothingbutpocket or send hate-mail to american_ash@hotmail.com Paul Daniel Bond freelance Mail the Author Visit his band's website |
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