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| Guest Columns | Paul Daniel Bond |
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Wrestling Dementia This week on Wrestling Dementia:
Well I'm starting to write semi-regularly around this lil' slice of smart heaven called Slash Wrestling, but I'm starting to cry myself to sleep over the total lack of response of getting on these columns. Don't you all love me? Aren't I pretty enough? I gave you all the most precious gift a bo....never mind. Um. next topic.... Well wrestling fans, it appears we're still trapped in the festering shit hole of what I can only pray will be Hogan's last hurrah. Hulkamania is running rampant down in the WWF seniors league, and its dragging down what little credibilty the WCW had left. I can't think of a more perfect example of why the WCW is self-destructing than Hogan's win over Nash at Sturgis. With Big Lazy Kevin Nash they may not have had a four star worker, but he's younger than Hogan, and unlike Hogan he can still occasionally put on a good match (good, not great) every once in awhile. When Hogan's knee finally does us all a favor and wears out they're going to need some main eventers to replace the decrepit ex- megapower. Nash has a couple years left in him at least, while Hogan is living on borrowed time. Lets face it folks. Hogan's big boot is looking more and more like a wussy middle schooler's each and every day. The man uses a leg drop for his finisher. He is able to convulse allowing him to shrug off the allegedly lethal finishers of his foes. He's 89 fucking years old. If Turner and Company are planning on giving Sid a main event push, they're doing it reallly poorly. To build the "Millennium Wanna-be" up as undefeated and unstoppable and then have a AARP member be able to kick out of his finisher seems like a bit of a mixed message. How scared would you be of a man who couldn't kick the ass of your grandfather? But it can all stop. Nash and Sid and all the others forced to sell to Hulk can regain their credibility if WCW doesn't wait. For god's sake, please make this Hogan's retirement run. And make it stay that way. Let him fight a few final matches against older wrestlers he still hasn't settled the score with and let him gracefully lose to Goldberg. Pass the torch on to someone who can actually help the company and sit on the beach drinking and watching the sun set Hogan. Its about time. The proposed Hogan heel turn won't work. He's waffled back and forth between face and heel, and it won't work much more. Its only a matter of time until the marks cheering Hogan on are forced to realize that the man is unable to put on an even vaguely entertaining show anymore. Maybe we'll get lucky and Hogan will accidently hulk up too much causing a massive coronary for the loser. Until then, make mine Raw. Now its time to talk about Chris Jericho a little. I have a surefire plan to get Jericho over while giving him time to build up to the main event level without it seeming like too much too fast. Now that D'lo (deservedly) has both the European and the Inter-continental titles, let him vacate the European title and hold a tournement to determine who the title holder will be. Let Jericho win this tourney over a solid mid-carder like Al Snow, X-pac, or even Edge, allowing for a feud between them to keep Jericho busy. But in the meantime, have Jericho ham up the importance of the Eurpoean title like only Jericho can do. Have him come out each week on Raw with a chart on hand for two months. On this chart have him put down reasons that a European country chosen for that week is better than the U.S.A. First he could bring out France, touting their fine wines, great taste in movies, and generally cheery attitude. Have him describe Germany as the vacation spot of the world. Each week he comes out to garner heat from the pro-US marks in the crowd that still hold some red-blooded American pride. The promos could be classic. Have him lose the title to whoever he feuds with after holding it for about 3 months. Before the big PPV match leading to Jericho's loss, have him refuse to wrestle anyone but midgets for the belt. Let Jericho recruit the Blue Meanie and Stevie Richards to be his security staff, giving them the chance to leech off some of his heat. Imagine if you will the brilliant bits this three-some could concoct. This will also allow Jericho to cameo in angles involving the other two, giving him tons of air time to buu\ild up to the world title level. Let him keep cutting anti-Rock promos, and don't lose his interupting the stars monologues come to an end. Make him a constant midcard presence with main-event skills. With two more hours of WWF programming a week now, that shouldn't be too damn hard. One more random thought: GO AWAY ULTIMATE WARRIOR! LEAVE ECW THE FUCK ALONE. And while I'm on the subject, am I the only one who thinks that the KISS gimmick is going to make Brian Adams long for the days of the black and white. And isn't that saying quite a lot? In the meantime I'm out of here to get some rest and play some Attitude. Be good to yourselves, and to each other. Send your flames as always to Daniel Bond at american_ash@hotmail.com Check out the band website at http://listen.to/nothingbutpocket Paul Daniel Bond is a beatnik wanna-be who doesn't let his tres hip friends know how into wrestling he really is. He would like to be addressed as the Phenom from now on, since Undertaker has lost the title. Mail the Author Visit his band's website |
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