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/wrestling /guests /Bond |
| Guest Columns | Paul Daniel Bond |
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WRESTLING DEMENTIA Greetings hebrews and gentiles alike, and welcome to the occasional dose of wrestling commentary that all the little birds on jailbird street call "Wrestling Dementia." And just so you know, that isn't a joke. The fact is that most of us internet wrestling commentators are in fact convicts receiving a jolt of freedom through our inter-block feud. And food for thought, most of the scoops crew seem really touchy about their true identities. Perhaps I'm not lying so much as one would assume? Or maybe not. This week I've come to grace all the millions of fans out there on various computers in various states and countries with a special technique that will improve your WWF Raw viewing, since CRZ's fanbase is decidedly pro-WWF, as they should be. Have you ever been sitting back, a beer in one hand and a pork or beef sandwhich of some kind in the other watching Raw? Perhaps you are graced with one of the Rock's now infamous T-Shirt Interviews, or watched Mideon grace us all with one of his technical 4 star masterpiece matches. But then the unthinkable occurs. Out comes Viscera. Now granted I'm extremely glad that a word as big as Viscera graced the vocabulary of WWF bookers. Perhaps soon we will get to see wrestlers like Onomonopiea, or even Fractal. In the meantime, this exceptionally fine three syllable word is being cruelly wasted on a man whose career highlight was being pelted with trash after his wholly unjustified KOTR win back before there was a god. But I've discovered a method that makes Viscera fun as all hell to watch. Just imagine the big oaf pleasently mumbling the word pudding in his head. Imagine him talking like the "baby ruth" guy in Goonies. Imagine the relish he gives the word, the sensual love and simple joy that embody Viscera's relationship with pudding. Everytime he does that god damned unimpressive splash, imagine him saying pudding. Everytime he tries to move faster that a snails pace, imagine the word pudding escaping his sweaty fleshy mouth. This technique is also good for the Undertaker, who is aging so poorly you'd think he was in a hair metal band. Just a side note here, what has this world come to when Kane is considered the good wrestler in the family. The man was Issac Yankem DDS for the love of christ. Well, that's all for now boys and girls. Next time I'd love to do a question and answer column to prove that I am indeed the master of all things wrestling. Scott Keith can turn green with envy. Tehehe......internet commentator dick comparing contests suck.... In the meantime... Paul Daniel Bond freelance Mail the Author |
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