When I heard about the concept of the Nitro Girls, yeah, I'll admit this: I think the wrestling-purist in me came out. I was against them. I questioned their long-term success. But, after watching the Nitro Girls' energy, after watching the effort they put into their dance routines, after having my eardrums blown out each and every Monday... to see them come out and energize a crowd, it was stupid to think they would be anything but a success. I think they shocked a lot of people and opened a lot of eyes. They are now recognizable celebrities. They can bust through that curtain and immediately energize a crowd. They are, I will now admit, a great addition to the overall WCW picture. I was wrong about them. -- Mike Tenay, as quoted in the March 1998 issue of WCW Magazine

Whoo, Iron Mike, you must be shedding some fierce tears over what's happened to those ladies upon whom you so lavishly heaped your hard-won praise. The internal disintegration of the Nitro Grrrls: now this is some funny shit.

Granted, they've been funny since they started up. Now, I had always liked Kimbrrrly for some reason, probably because her onscreen appearances always had this sort of "Aw fuck, I guess I got nothing better to do tonight" quality to them. 'Course, once she rounded up her lil' estrogen-smacked pack of wrong-looking pseudo-vixens, all my love for her fuh-LEW out the window, since now she had, like, a purpose and stuff.

Backing up the train, I say "wrong-looking" because, much like the way Alison was always shoddily put together on Melrose Place no matter how hard she tried, there's something just slightly out of whack about each of them.

Now, I was planning on presenting a dewy-eyed memoir to the Grrrls That Were in the form of a look back at their calendar shoot PPV, but quite frankly I'm just too flipping tired and besides, there's just no topping Chris Jones' review of said same, which you can find right here in the [slash] archives. So instead, I'm punking out with a wee rundown of just how slightly "off" they are.

Purely affectionate, of course.

CHRONICLE OF THE NITRO GRRRLS

The first wave

Fearless Leader Kimbrrrly: Honestly, I have nothing bad to say about her, other than she dances like a crackhead. Which became a prerequisite for joining the Grrrls, it seems.

Tayo ('member her?): She always appeared to be napping. Also, she had a rather apparent mustache.

Fyre: What's up with her damn face? Quit working on your tits, girl, and do something about that nose. Christ, that plastic rack is just too large and hard-looking. It FRIGHTENS me.

Chae: Ahh, she is the Aaaaaasian Nitro Grrrl. She is mysterious and quiet and seductive because she is Aaaaaasian.

Spyce: Other than our Fearless Leader, I guess Spyce is the least offensive of the group. At least she's managed to tone down those is-she-or-isnt-she-having-a-seizure facial expressions: "Ooh!" "Ohh!" "Hey!" "Hah!" "Oof!" "Mmm!" (repeat) But damn, she is toothsome.

A.C. Jazz: Plainly stated, she looks like a man.

Following Tayo's mysterious disappearance, there came:

The second wave

Whyssspyr: Oh God, her breasts. Christ on a bike, they're so big and weighty. Good Lord, they'd just wind themselves up, ready to fly off her damn chest and kill somebody in the audience. Thank goodness she married HBK and quit so that this senseless tragedy would NEVER HAPPEN.

Tygrrressssss: Hey, I saw the debut of Tygrrressssss at the Roseland Ballroom last year! Those dark baggy circles under her eyes are damn skippy huge!

The tearful loss of Whyssspyr to the institution of marriage led to the Nitro Grrrls search and

The Third Wave

Storm: I almost forgot about her, 'cause she's boring. Also, her name has no "y" potential.

Skyyy: Yeah, they've gotta give her some porny exxxtra y's. Um, does anyone remember seeing her audition? Not much to say about her so far other than she's flat as a board and twice as dumb, and she can't swing a makeup case for shit.

Now, I must admit I missed the first couple installments of The Disintegration of mah Grrrls due to circumstances beyond my control (like, work). I do know the recent prideful, selfish request of A.C. Jazz to not work in the mud with Spice (ooh, that wench!) led to her dismissal (...or did it? [cue suspenseful music]). I'm sure she can get nice paying gig under Zbyszko's desk, so don't cry for her.

Now we've moved into new, ooh-feisty Nitro Grrrls territory, our two "crews" split up and got themselves all kitted out in outfits that are so very "street" (if you're walking the streets of Candy Land, that is), leading up to a hastily thrown together match between Tygrrressssss and Spyce on Nitro. *Sob* Is this what we've come to, kids? Oops, I mean - - Hey, time to roll out the fetish gear! Whoo-hoo!

In one corner we have Spyce dressed in Britney Spears lite, one of those schoolgirl jumper-white shirt combos that looks so cheap as to suggest the shirt is actually half-constructed and *connected to* the jumper; the kind you'd find on the sale rack at Contempo Casuals in 1991. Then there's Tygrrressssss in her animal print catsuit (I can't remember if it was, you know, tygrrr-striped... hello, logic?), brandishing a whip, like yeah, she can pull that look off, suuuuuure. (NICE extensions, by the way.)

All I can remember about the match (through my tears, of COURSE) was that I was coveting Tygrrressssss' boots like a mofo. They were big and clunky and shiny and made some FAT- ass noise when they kicked on the mat. Next thing I knew Tygrrressssss had, like, clawed that wuss Spyce's eye, apparently for real, and it was game over. *Yawn* Save for Spyce getting lightly tapped on the head by Skyyy with a makeup case, after which the whole rigamarole had the air of "Okay, like, let's try not to, like, laugh too hard and stuff, all right?" to it.

See, no matter what happens, they still love each other like sisters. (Awww!)

Still, you have to wonder if Spyce really did get her eye scratched in that match. Maybe she'll turn up next week with a sequin-covered eye patch or something. Hell, maybe she lost her eye completely. But don't be too sad if that happens, guys. After all, that'd be just one more hole to fuck her in.

Happy Thanksgiving!