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/wrestling /guests /(Bitchfactor) |
| Guest Columns | (Bitchfactor) |
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Hi, I'm Kim, and I've returned with a presentation of "WWF
Rocks!" which is in itself a presentation of MTV Networks.
Hey CRZ, does this qualify as "Results," "Review," or
"Opinion?" I guess we'll call it a Review - does it matter? I have WOMEN providing content for my site!! Yippee!! - CRZ I'll just take a quick time-out to say thanks to all the fine folks who wrote me after last week's column. Please, feel free to send me more mail if you have time to waste. I envy CRZ's unconditional fan love. Hell, send me hate mail if you want, I don't care. It'd be nice to read some that wasn't all "Take back what U said about Britney Spears" for once. This show is allegedly Mankind, the Rock, HHH, and Chyna allegedly presenting their alleged favorite videos. Of course by the time you and I got to a certain age, we figured out that these shows just recycle whatever's on the playlist while someone writes intros that would convince only the most gullible that the guests chose the videos themselves. I don't know why I felt the need to point that out, since, like I said, we all know that already. Probably 'cause I'm all misty for the days of yore when MTV used to actually *play* the guests' favorite videos. Those "Weird Al" shows were a scream. Remember the time when they let the Beasties play "Jailbreak" even though it was sooo uncool? Oops, I digress. I must say I'm enjoying this WWF/MTV programming, not only because the "MWWF" logo is adorable, but also 'cause the person selecting music to play over the b-roll appears to be a big fan of Faith No More, and in particular, "Album of the Year." I'll *never* get tired of hearing the intro to "Ashes to Ashes!" I'm not being sarcastic! This would of course give me an opening to rave about how ultra fucking swank-hot Mike Patton looks in that video, but I'd be digressing again. On with the show. Clipfest of WWF music videos and various moments from the Cyndi Lauper ouevre (look, she's hugging Andre the Giant!) glide 'cross the screen as our assembled guests trade off on voiceover. "A long time ago, MTV and the World Wrestling Federation decided to join forces. The result was known as 'the rock and wrestling connection.' It wasn't pretty. But now, nearly 15 years later, times have changed." Umm, so, like, what, are they trying to say "It's not your *parents'* rock-n-wrestling?" That creeps me out. Mankind, the Rock, HHH and Chyna promise to reveal their favorite hits in the world of music. It's an epic combination of hard-rocking, hard-hitting... uh, stuff. I can't keep up. And all these flashing clips are making me woozy. Hey, there ain't no WWF logo branded on these here clips! Anyone notice that? The many moods of Mick Foley are played out to the tune of Eminem's "My Name Is." "Mick Foley" is uttered in place of "Slim Shady." Oh, and Eminem sucks. Scads o'bumps in this clipfest, ending with "Socko...have a nice day." Mankind sits before a "WWF Attitude" banner and pontificates. Hey, CRZ, he's wearing your tie! My co-workers were confused as to why his chyron read "Mankind" while he called himself "Mick Foley." Yeah. "Hello, and welcome to 'WWF Rocks.' I'm Mankind..." "And I'm Mr. Socko." He's wearing a cute little tie, awww. "I'm a two-time former WWF Heavyweight Champion, two-time Tag Team Champion, and three-time runner-up in the Miss Wyoming Beauty Competition. Today, we'll be looking into some of my favorite videos, some of my favorite in-ring memories, and some of my favorite souffle recipes, some of which are actually quite delicious." Please note that the intro to "Last Cup of Sorrow" has commenced playing in the background. "Now I'd like to tell you a little bit about our next video, 'Stitches,' by the great group Orgy." Oh, no, not Orgy. Like they *never* play this video on MTV *ever.* "I know a lot of you at home are saying, 'Mankind, why "Stitches" by Orgy?'" Oooh, read my mind! "Although I've had more stitches than any human being should have to endure, well, I have to admit, I have never, once, not even one solitary time, been invited to an orgy of any kind, [dejectedly] unless of course, if you consider pulling thumbtacks out of your ass to be an orgy, in that case, count me in! I guess if you consider [hysterically] having girls ridicule ya because your left testicle's been ruptured by a billiard ball and squashed up into the size of a tangerine, then I guess that makes me Mr. Orgy, available now in 'Orgy Illustrated!" [Calms down] "Anyway, here's the damn song. Enjoy." "And rock on!" cries Mr. Socko. Not to Orgy, though. Video commences. I cannot endure it. A little window shows Mankind and Socko chatting. "You know, Mr. Socko, even though I like this song, I find myself wanting to beat the band members mercilessly!" With you on one count there. You know, the lead singer tried to pick up a friend of mine in a really sleazy way once. Oh, and he's a guy. Mankind gets confessional. "My favorite match is anytime I can just pull out Mr. Socko and apply him to a hapless opponent. It's funny, because I've been pulling a limp, white object out of my pants for many years, I just never got cheered for it." "Come to think of it, for an orgy, there's not a whole lot of girls in this video." Wow, maybe he tried to pick up Mankind too! Here's the moment of the video when they show a scantily-clad babe and put up a so-clever chyron that reads "Obligatory female." Wink wink! "Oh man," begins Mankind, "do you know that I'd do with that Obligatory Female if given the chance? I'd give her a jacket, it must be cold as hell up there! What was these guys thinkin'?" Phew, it's over. "Speaking of stitches and other painful things, lots of people wonder about my matches, and in particular the Hell in the Cell, because they seem to enjoy human suffering, and my suffering in particular. So I'll give you the lowdown." He does, with clips. Wow, that's just like the ending of Polanski's "The Tenant!" Only Mankind doesn't die. Oops. He chats about the tooth in his nose. "The match hurt me for quite some time, and it stopped hurting two months later when I got my paycheck." He laughs. "Chances are, if you own a tape of this match and watch it frequently, you don't have a girlfriend." He brings out a girlfriend for Socko. "Mr. Socko, cut that out! Now after Hell in the Cell, a lot of people looked at me as if I were some type of freak, which is ironic, because our next favorite video is called 'Freak on a Leash' by the group Korn." I believe the word is "coincidental." "Do you know that in addition to being an incredible aphrodisiac, corn is also very nutritious and delicious. It's kind of like nature's way of saying, 'Look at me, and eat me.' So let's take a look, and look out for the corn." "Freak on a Leash" commences. Anyone else notice that this video kind of disappeared for a while after Columbine? Well it's up for all them awards so I guess it's okay now. The little window shows Mr. Socko making out with his new friend. "Man, this is great. The effects are really cool, but I don't see any corn!" Mankind complains. "Who the hell are these guys? Mr. Socko, are you sure this video is about corn?" A freeze frame of the salad bar scene seems to indicate corn. "No, it's not macaroni and cheese, it's corn!" Mankind insists. "What kind of salad bar doesn't have corn?!" Okay, that's over. Mr. Socko and his girlfriend smoke cigarettes while Mankind says "Have a nice day." B/W letterbox-o-vision presents the Rock being rushed by a fan. "Oh, the Rock don't shake hands. The Rock wants to know what you think of the Rock's new $500 shirt." He tells him to fetch a soda. Then he says the Rock says that Mankind's favorite videos don't matter, it's the Rock's favorite videos that matter. Etc. He's gonna make some rock stars' candy asses famous. Etc. After the break, People's Eyebrow, cut to commercial. The "Gap Models of the Damned" Chorus takes turns singing "Dress You Up." I keep waiting for them to start chanting, "Brains... brains... human brains...." "Eric Clapton Blues" commercial EATS UP TIME "Smackdown!" promo. Or rather, "SMACK|DOWN." Rock clipfest. Much Eyebrow and some glamour posing type stuff. The Rock knows what we're thinking, and that's that the Rock and MTV "have finally formed an electrifying combination." Actually I'm thinking his shirt might be fruit- flavored. And I'm enjoying how he's seated in front of the banner so that it reads "WWF Titude." He says he'd give the Home And Garden channel "the best damn ratings the rooty-poo candy ass... smell... etc...." He goes on to elaborate upon how someone or other should "take his dreams and aspirations... turn... sideways... rooty-poo... etc...." He claims that was how Kid Rock got started. I agree, something's up Kid Rock's ass. I think it's attached to Carson Daly. Oops. No, seriously, how many hours has he wasted verbally fellating Kid Rock on the air? It's painful! I'm embarrassed for the man. No I'm not. Rock says that without the Rock, Kid Rock would be "cleaning out enema bags for beer money." Okay, that's funny. Anyway, the Rock says this and that and the other and something else and shit, we have to watch Kid Rock's "Bawitdaba." Oh thank GOD, this NEVER gets shown enough on MTV. Up pops the little window. "Look how this jabronie is just ripping off the Rock. If you smelllll..." Oh God. "Fast- forward this garbage, this part of the video sucks." Ooh, I wish he'd said "all." He makes fun of the "jabronies" (i.e. Kid Rock and his "posse") for "just tossing around a football. Now, that's not entertaining." The Rock reminds us of how electrifying and entertaining the Rock is. Then he suggests Kid Rock does the thing with the shoe and the sideways and the sticking it up Joe C's ass. Joe C is Kid Rock's midget friend, see. I don't care enough about any of this. "How boring is this? Fast-forward this garbage, right to the end." Thank you! Much fun is had when as video is stopped right at the appearance of the "naked old guy." Rock harasses the crew. "Look at you, you're a freak! You've been playin' pocket pool all day, just gawkin' at the Rock." Well, if he didn't wear that SHIRT... The Rock starts talking about the Rock and the importance of the Rock. Stop the presses. He details and outlines the Rock Bottom Special, for those at home who are only watching this to see Orgy for the 9,000,000th time. He goes over his achievements. More stuff about putting electicity into stuff and thereby rendering it electrified and stuff. Okay. "Life is no bed of roses for the People's Champion, so this next video by Powerman 5000, entitled 'When Worlds Collide,' pretty much sums up the Rock's life in the World Wrestling Federation. Go ahead and run the video, jabronie." Powerman 5000. Now is it my imagination, or is the lead singer of this band, like, 16? He's Rob Zombie's brother or something, right? I bet the credits to this song read "Contains elements of 'Electric Head.'" The Rock compares his trials and tribulations to that of the lead singer, who is being hassled by guys dressed up to look like Goldberg in "Universal Soldier." Fast-forwarding is demanded. The singer guy starts zapping people with his superpowers. Okay. The Rock needs no superpowers, he insists, he'd just "take a drumstick, turn it sideways... stick it... alien's rooty- poo..." Enough. Those were the People's Videos compliments of the People's Champ, we're told. "If the Rock finds out that you went behind his back and put some Backstreet Boys Menudo crap in the place of where the Rock's videos were supposed to be, then the Rock guarandamntees that you wish that you're gonna wish you never..." Hey, don't sully the good names of the Backstreet Boys and Menudo in my house! Cut to the curtain behind the shooting area. HHH and (That Slut) Chyna stand by impatiently. "C'mon, Rock, what the hell you doin'?" HHH gripes. Chyna makes "flapping yap" motion with her hand. "Yackyackyackyack." That cracked me up. She's so cute when she's acting girly. Back to the Rock, who pauses to tell us that HHH is a jabronie, that HHH is jealous of the Rock, that something took a crap and the crap was HHH, and that when he comes out with Chyna the ratings are going to go into the toilet. I believe that covers it. Oh, but he keeps going. This reminds me of that time Bart had evil powers and he made Moe say "I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt, and my butt smells, and I like to kiss my own butt." Cut to HHH and Chyna again. "He never shuts up!" she bitches under her breath. God love 'er. HHH and Chyna decide to walk in on the shoot. Cut to commercial. Bet nothing happens. Promo hypes the MTV VMAs on 9.9.99. Think the NIN album will finally come out then too? I know it's a Thursday, but... Oh for fuck's sake, it's the return of the Gap Zombie Model Choir. I have the sudden urge to go out and hurt people who wear vests while they stand around and sing for no damn reason. Rrrrrrrrr okay I'm better now HHH/Chyna clipfest. See, told you nothing would happen. I spot Chyna's old face, plus that skeevy little fake Zach de la Rocha guy. He sucks, by the way. Wait, do I mean the fake one or the real one? Does it matter? "Welcome back to WWF Rocks!" Chyna says in a sex-kitten voice. No, really, she does. "Roight!" enthuses HHH, who tells us that that was his Billy Idol voice. Thanks for spoiling the moment, HHH. He keeps going with it, so Chyna rolls her eyes and does a "jack-off" hand motion. Go Chyna! Her cleavage scares me, though. And her cheesy fedora-slash- sombrero looks like one of Jeanna Fine's castoffs. I hope I get some mail for that one. "Around in the WWF, everybody knows who the game is, that's why they saved the best for last. This is the ninth wonder of the world, Chyna. And I'm HHH, soon to be known as the man who went to Summerslam, kicked Stone Cold Steve Austin's ass, and became the WWF Champion." Hmmm, interesting glitch in timing there, don'tcha think? "Now knowing that, I could've picked any crappy video I wanted to show on this show, and these people would've had no choice but to show it." Yeah, let's hear it for the word "show!" "But I'll tell you what I did. I picked my videos to make a point." "Now watch these videos very carefully," Chyna chimes in, "starting with 'Scar Tissue' from the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and you'll see what he means." Cue "Scar Tissue." This album isn't half bad, I must admit. My best friend called me in tears when she saw Anthony Kiedis' new hair on "Behind the Music." (True story.) "Pay attention to this part, Austin, 'cause you're gonna wish you looked this good when I'm finished with you," declares HHH. But isn't Chyna...? Oh who cares. Ah ha ha, see, he said that 'cause the guys are all beat up and stuff. That's a funny. Hee hee. Did you know that John Frusciante's teeth are not his own? "See, now these guys look like I just beat the hell out of 'em," says Chyna. Umm... wow, that took a lot of thought. "What you can't see is [unintelligible] nuts in the car." Oh, that's better, but I couldn't understand her. Anthony Kiedis eyes his private area. "Look at him, he's checking his just to make sure they're okay." Note that the RHCPs are driving. "See, what people don't know is, at the end of this road is Austin's single white trailer," remarks HHH. "That's where he lives." Cut back to the studio, and not a moment too soon. Chyna says that "Scar Tissue" is something that HHH knows a lot about. "Damn right, scar tissue, broken bones, pain, agony, I know a whole lot about that. Remember, ah, last year, Summerslam, me and the Rock, ladder match? Me and the Rock took the ladder match to a whole new level... that's a heavy, metal ladder, solid STEEL..." etc. Chyna recalls when she golatta'd Road Dogg at King of the Ring and his metal cup almost tore her arm right out of its socket. Um, is that even physically possible? Okay. HHH tries to explain how that would be physically possible. "Alright, enough about that, let's get back to the videos," says HHH. Whew. "This one's from Godsmack, appropriately enough for you, Austin, because every time I smack you, you're going to wish to God I didn't." Chyna smirks. Oh, and Godsmack sucks, by the way. Cue Godsmack's "Keep Away." Since when did Peter Christopherson start directing bad videos for bands that suck? Wait, he did one for 311, didn't he? The plot of this video is a wimpy kid getting hassled by non-wimpy kids, incidentally, just so you can get a sense of the narrative and context here. 'Cause it's, like, deep. "See, this kid probably has 'Austin 3:16' written on his face, that's why all these people are gonna kick his ass," observes HHH. "See, this kid symbolizes the Everyday Man, just like Steve Austin does. See, he's always gettin' his ass kicked every day of his life, that's the way it goes, the point is, moral of the story is, he deserves it." Why does HHH start every sentence with "See?" "See? Even the homeless guy doesn't like him." See? There he goes again. "I think the homeless guy is Austin's dad!" cheers Chyna. She appears to be genuinely amused, and it's rather cute. Oh, thank GOD that is over. "So that's gonna do it for 'WWF Rocks!'" Chyna announces. "Another successful tag-team between MTV and WWF. W.O.W." Phones start ringing at Bill Apter's house. Chyna turns to HHH. HHH appears to be at a loss for improvisation. "Wow? Cool," he finally replies. Way to come back, dude! "Hey, ah, you wanna see something really historic, tune in tomorrow at 4:30 (pm ET) for 'Stone Cold TV.' Historic, because it'll be the last time on TV you get to see Stone Cold Steve Austin with all his limbs and internal organs in one piece." Huh? "We're outta here." Promo implores us to stick around for "The Real World," but I won't, 'cause the Hawaii cast eats it. I'm outta here too. Kim (Bitchfactor) [slash] wrestling Mail the Author |
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