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Guest Columns | ECW Retro TV |
Bill Barnwell | 20.12.94 |
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We start off with a video montage reviewing the events of 1994. Being that it is only five days before Christmas, it's set to "Little Drummer Boy". Clips of the usual suspects (i.e., people I wrote about in the intro). The pumping of a heart from Nine Inch Nails "Closer" leads to "Thunderkiss '65" from White Zombie, which leads to the traditional highlight montage. Joey Styles is at ringside to open the show. This is the Christmas edition of ECW Television; and, to kick off the Christmas show, he introduces none other than Santa Claus. Predictably, Santa Claus gets heat. Fans chant "911", which sounds about right to me. Joey invites Santa Claus into the ring, where he throws a hat to the crowd (on TV section, of course); of course, after that, 911 (w/ Paul E. Dangerously) show up to a huge pop from the crowd. Santa Claus gets a chokeslam; however, it's actually a really shitty one. You'd think that considering this was his entire offensive moveset, he'd do a great one every time. I give it a 2 on the 1-10 911 scale. After this, the Pitbulls attack 911 from behind, which starts our first match: The Pitbulls (w/ Jason)
vs. 911 (w/ Paul E. Dangerously) ECW didn't really have commercials at this time; it was a lot like the Syndicated show, where there might be a commercial mixed in with live event news. If there was a commercial, it was always for ICOPRO, of all things (Lex!?) This show heavily advertises the 1/7/95 ECW Arena show; the main event is a 4-on-3 handicap match: Chris Benoit, Dean Malenko, and the Public Enemy vs. Taz, Sabu, and 911.) The match ended up being so uneventful that it would never see the light of day on ECW TV. When we come back, Joey Styles is putting over the new areas where ECW can be seen; they include Salt Lake City, UT (odd choice), New York, NY, and Tokyo, Japan (I guess on SamuraiTV?). Woman cuts a promo for the Florida area (I'm thinking that this is only for the Florida TV audience, because my TV tapes are from the Sunshine Network in Florida). Backstage, Ian and Axl Rotten are making fun of the Pitbulls for losing to 911. The Pitbulls get pissed, and attack. They brawl for about 30 seconds before the usual mishmash of pod people run in. More commercials. Pitbulls and the Rotten Brothers are separated. Commercials. Next is a video clip of the Cactus and Tommy Dreamer vs. the Sandman feud. Tommy Dreamer was quickly moving out of this feud and into another feud, but more on that later. We see Cactus cutting a promo about how Kevin Sullivan should have told him that he was going to beat up Hulk Hogan and Dave Sullivan; if Kevin had told him, Cactus would have stayed and helped instead of going to ECW. Woman (still married to Sullivan, but first meeting Benoit) rebuts, and the Sandman comes and attacks Cactus from behind with a cane shot. Clips of last week's TV with The Sandman and Tommy Cairo deciding to be friends and attack Dreamer are shown. Cactus makes a save. Cactus then cut a promo about how Dreamer's not a pretty boy. Sure, Cactus. Cactus says: "You can't take away [his heart], Tommy Cairo. You can't take away [his heart] from him, Sandman. But, I'm Cactus Jack, and I can take away whatever I want from you. And what I want, is your souls. BANG BANG!" This is deemed sufficient buildup for our main event: Tommy Cairo (w/ the
Virgin Princess Angel) vs. Tommy Dreamer Joey: "Let me set the record straight. Milli Vanilli did not sing the wrong song. Joey Buttafucco knew how old Amy Fisher was. WCW will never be #1 (well, he was wrong about that one). That woman is NO virgin princess! If she's the Virgin Princess, Ron Jeremy is the King of Celibacy." Sign Guy says: "Angel is a virgin, and Hogan is a wrestler". Yeah, she looked pretty slutty. Tommy Cairo also comes out to "We Will Rock You", which is really lame as a wrestler's theme. I guess Paul E. thought that because WWRY was "arena rock", and they were in the ECW "Arena", he could get away with it. Nope. Sandman's entrance is 4.27. Uncut. Cactus and Dreamer, who are both wearing the "Wanted" shirts (I wonder if Cactus made Tommy pay for the shirt), attack from behind. Cactus Jack whips the Sandman, and follows it with a Sabu-style bulldog off the ropes. Foley and the Sandman brawl on the outside. Dreamer and Cairo follow them. Cactus and Dreamer get the advantage, and head back into the ring. Dreamer backdrops Cactus over the top rope onto Sandman and Cairo. More brawling. Sandman and Cactus back in the ring. Brawling. Repeat. We'll forward to when the heat gets on Dreamer. Sandman hits a legdrop on Dreamer. He follows that with a positively Oz-ish side slam. A scoop slam, and a top-rope legdrop by Sandman. Sandman picks up Dreamer, and does the "Show the crowd Beulah's panties turn 4 sides" piledriver that Dreamer would make more famous in April. However, the Sandman finishes it with a mock bang-bang at Cactus before he spikes Dreamer. Cactus breaks up a pinfall attempt at 2. All four now brawl. Cairo picks up Jack for a spinebuster, but Cactus counters with a DDT and gets the pin on Jack. Post-match, Dreamer starts to be caned, but he takes the cane from the Sandman. He goes to cane the Sandman, but Woman stops Dreamer. Dreamer goes to cane Woman, but Angel stops that. Dreamer goes to cane Angel, but Cactus stops THAT. (I bet Dreamer was feeling really repressed by then). She dares Dreamer to hit him, but Dreamer thinks the better of it, and, as per Cactus' request, gives Cactus the cane, and doesn't hit a woman. (Dreamer wouldn't think much of it four months later). So, of course, Cactus canes Angel. The heels get some more caneshots, everyone leaves happy. Styles mentions that an ECW rookie named "Steve" Richards has developed a fascination with "the guy who portrayed Scotty Flamingo, Scotty the Body, and Johnny Polo". According to Steve, this guy is currently the lead roadie for Pearl Jam. We then see clips of Steve Richards wrestling someone (I couldn't recognize him, he looked like possibly Don E. Allen, an ECW jobber for 1995) dressed like "Steve Flamingo". This was the roots of what became the most heated feud in ECW history. To end the show, Public Enemy cuts a promo from in front of Rockefeller Center. Nothing of note, just being generally silly hoodies. Hey, watch out for that hardcore match behind you! It's fun to make fun of P.E. in hindsight. End show.
Bill Barnwell |
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