From the home office at http://www.crz.net/wrestling/raw/991213.html, it's the Top Ten Comments from A Guy Who came to /wrestling via Wrestleline (who knew?) and Knows You're Too Busy to Read Them, Let Alone Care!

10. I'm so behind you don't get Nitro until tonight!

Hey, if twice as many people watch Raw, does that mean they'd rather hear about what they didn't see or do they just care more about the WWF? Inquiring readers want to know! (I want to know!)

9. WWFE 16 1/2 (- 1/8) - and barely trading. Shareholder loyalty? End of December lull? Nobody cares about this but Ryder? The mind boggles - check that - wanders...

Lull between IPO and EGF (Easy Gift for Fans). Holidays are coming up (and belated Hanukkah gifts RULE!)

8. We ARE in the Tampa, FL Ice Palace (home of - ICE!) and live baby live. Tonight - will we get some answers?

A. No, if it were sponsored by Gap it would be the Ice, Ice Baby Palace.
B. The correct result is Mrs. Stephanie Hunter = Ms. Stephanie McMahon + Smutty Tori Makeup and Perm
C. (Just for any sci-fi marks) Forty-two.

7. So who do you give the match to, anyway? She didn't interfere on anyone's behalf...

This exciting development can only be resolved at the granduncle of all sports entertainment events, the ROYAL RUMBLE. Order now and we might remember to push the winner for six whole months!!!

ASIDE. Oh, Stephanie's done something with her hair - one o' them hot curler frizzy things. Not worth mentioning, really. Oh, wait, I just did. Ahh.

See above. It WAS worth an aside, at least.

6. BILLIONAIRE VINCE is out, in more ways that one.

Here's a technical question for the judges: is this properly defined as a Bret Hart reference, or do we reward it to Howard?

5. Guess this theme... Come on out, you RAPIST!

Now VINCE can't keep storylines straight. It was the rest of DX who pantomimed via a Penn State theater co-ed (thus proving
A: Since one Penn Stater worked with DX, and the Acolytes beat up some others, does that make us all heels?
B: No Refund Theatre is better than the regular theater department.) a rape scene.
This WWF Rewind was not sponsored by the USAF, because some right-wing group doesn't want them to attract adults on a program that caters to children, or something!

STEPHANIE HELMSLEY walking out in leather pants and carrying THE STICK. Vince works a facial emotion while Stephanie ... tries, anyway. The new hair and makeup certainly helps.

At least SHE remembers the plots. And the leather pants also help (maybe not in THAT way...)

"What are you, the boss all of a sudden?"

Are Stef and I the ONLY ones paying attention to this show?

4. DAMN that's a long time between bells, ain't it?

If a match goes for a long time, but it's mostly a brawl, does the Internet make a sound?

3. Victoria Jackson AIN'T NO RHONDA SHEAR

Please. Victoria Jackson isn't even Sarah Silverman.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK. During the commercial break, it was apparently announced that there would be a WWF Women's title match in a vat of chocolate pudding. This laptop used to belong to my dad (a psychologist), and sometimes, without realizing it I hit one of his shortcut macros. For some reason the (no doubt oft-used) report phrase "Borderline Intellectual Function" spontaneously appeared as soon as I finished typing "chocolate pudding." I'm frightened, Dad.

2. In the Helmsleys' office, the Mean Street Posse approaches with their congratulations - no hard feelings and all that - after all, it's a Greenwich thing! Stephanie says they really bugged her back then (especially Joey), so she decides that since they'd been treating her so badly, it's revenge time - tonight they'll take on the Acolytes.

Uh, that segment was heel vs. heel! They're coming at me from both sides! Christopher Zimmerman, what do I do now?

2. Garcia expresses her displeasure. I wonder whatever happened to Maria Felipe.

She interviewed Gabriel Bryne, who in character sent her to Hell for refusing to wrestle in the Women's Division as Lillian will do soon. (And shame on you if you ever forget to replace the Cat with Ernest Miller in your Raw reports again!)

RAW! IS! EDITING!
Outside, Kane and Tori try to walk out - but Triple H and Stephanie catch up to Kane - he's in a Triple Threat match tonight - if he doesn't take place in it, he's suspended thirty days. Kane decides to stick around. Ross: "Who's Kane gonna face? WHO?!" Say it with me - JIGGLYPUFF!

If the Big 10 can't be bothered to keep track of their numbers, why should I?

MY question to YOU is - if Stephanie and Hunter hadn't cooked up all these matches at the last minute, what would we have had on the show tonight? Well, fear not - my sources have revealed the original lineup to me: