THE GOOD, BAD AND UGLY FOR 4/17/00

Wow. Is it Monday already? Let me check. 

I am weary, aggravated, and half asleep.Yep. It's Monday alright.

Well, what's going on these days?

A huge PPV on Sunday in WCW's Spring Stampede. All the new champions were crowned. Jeff Jarrett now represents the federation as World Champion, Big Papa Pump once again has a stranglehold on the United States title, an odd combination in Buff Bagwell and Shane Douglas captured the Tag Team Championship, and Chris Candido grabbed the Cruiserweight belt with a little help from his loyal friend Tammy Lynn Sytch.

Can't say that's a total wash. Hogan holds no belt, for now. The PPV sparked some new feuds that are likely to surface this evening on NITRO.

In WWF, status quo has been held tightly, but we may see some interesting developments in the next couple of weeks. Rumors of a pact between WWF and ECW, designed to combat the WCW's "new beginning." Evidently, Tazz returned to his old stamping grounds in time to dethrone the departing Mike Awesome, the man who took the title from the Human Suplex Machine back when he made his jump to the big time a few months back.

Will we see the ECW gold on RAW tonight? Will we see title changes on NITRO tonight? Why wait?

The Good, Bad, and Ugly for April 17, 2000

WCW NITRO

BAD: Mancow in the PPV? Was that another stupid-ass contract requirement that WCW had to fill?

INTERESTING: They are keeping the Millionaire's Club out of the arena tonight? Yeah, right. Maybe these rent-a-wrestlers-playing-cops will pull guns on Hogan again.

BAD: Madden is back. I guess that Abbott didn't hit him hard enough last week.

BAD: Schiavone on the new champs: "The New Blood took complete control of the title scene." Uh, Funk is the oldest blood out there. Did they forget that?

BAD: No mention of the TV Title.

UGLY: Tammy Sytch. Yikes. Has she been sleeping on her face? What's with those hips? Yegads! The woman is a mess!

BAD: Russo co-ops the "Sunny Days" line from HBK. Okay, the marks don't get it and the smarts look down on Russo for stealing the line. Lose-lose situation there.

GOOD: Russo takes the time to point out Funk's age. At least someone said it.

BAD: Russo telling J.R. to kiss his ass. The more they mention the WWF, the more it hurts them. Wait until you are strong enough to hold your own against your enemy before you attack them. Garter snakes refrain from attacking bears for a reason, Vince.

BAD: Jarrett tells J.R. to kiss his ass too. I thought Jeff left on good terms. That was kind of...um...ungrateful of him.

BAD: They mute Jarrett saying "slapnuts," but there is a sign that says it right behind him.

COOL: The only thing of any redeemable value in the movie Ready to Rumble was that triple cage. Now they are using it on a PPV? I can dig it.

GOOD: Kimberly. Jesus, she is hot.

BAD: No matter what anyone says, Kimberly's turn on DDP was very predictable. Why? Because it didn't make any sense. Anyone care to argue?

LET ME GUESS: The guys in riot gear around the ring are members of the Millionaire's Club. How do I know? It's already been done by Russo here and in the WWF, and it will be again.

GOOD: Kimberly's interview. She's quite convincing. Certainly better than any other Nitro Girl's time on the stick. Remember when A.C. Jazz and Spice had their catfight. "Bring it on, Ho!"

GOOD: DDP beats on security. Ever since that 18 year old uniformed asshole at the mall told me to "move on" I have had a deep hatred for these guys.

BAD: The fourth guard's attempt to stop DDP. He looked a bit...er...silly. Wiggling your arms around your waist is no way to detain a professional wrestler.

BAD: DDP's music plays when he comes out. If he wasn't allowed in, why would anyone bother to cue up his entrance theme?

I CALLED IT: Well, well, well. Look who's under the riot visors.

COOL: DDP has a Sopranos shirt on.

GOOD: Booker dissenting from the New Blood. He's a face and should be on the side of the good guys. Come on Booker, make the turn and let's get a belt on you.

GOOD: The backstage antics of Eric Bischoff. Okay, I laughed when Hogan called. 

BAD: Sean "The Perfect One" Stasiak? Uh, well, no. Please, WCW, don't.

GOOD: Hennig. He's great. I can always be happy to see him.

GOOD: Miss Hancock is back. Love those legs.

BAD: If she speaks, I'll bum out.

BAD: Frigging Madden steals another line. "Snootchie Bootchies." Like you have any right to steal Kevin Smith's words. Fuck you, Madden.

GREAT: Just as I wrote that, Madden gets doused with water when the brawl comes to the announce table! YEAH!

BAD: The Perfect One tries to cover Hennig after a vertical suplex. That works.

BAD: Hennig is screwed again.

WHY...did the cops let Hogan by? 

BAD: All the people shouting, "Hogan you suck!" while he is filming his entrance to the arena.

BAD: Hogan gets lost backstage. That's too funny.

BAD: Sure, Stasiak beats Hennig but Hogan knocks him out with one punch. Sure, elevate him and deflate him inside of a minute.

GOOD: After Hogan dispatches Sean, Hennig keeps selling the shot to the head. Gotta love him.

GOOD: Hogan shooting on the critics. He seems honest about his feelings. If he is sincere about being a leader, the promotion can only benefit.

BAD: Nice bandana there, Hulkster. Don't want to show us the cut from last week?

INTERESTING: Hogan mentions his real name. Terry Bollea, eh?

GOOD: Kidman is wearing a Hulkamania shirt that has been "defaced."

GOOD: Torrie looks nice too. Leer.

BAD: Hogan runs out of the arena to find Kidman. More guts, than brains, eh Terry? Where's the ambush?

BAD: Jarrett calls Mean Gene "Jurassic slapass." Yegads. How many variations does he have.

GOOD: Open challenge from Jarrett to any member of the New Blood for the World Heavyweight Title. I hope Booker signs that contract.

BAD: Funk versus Wall for the Hardcore title. This is gonna be a sloppy affair.

GOOD: Dustin Rhodes and Russo getting in a shouting match over Golddust. Yeah, it's a reference to WWF and an old gimmick, which is bad as I mentioned above, but the fact that it was a gimmick I hated made it funny. 

GOOD: Wall lost the tie and the dress shirt. That's a start. Now get some tights.

UGLY: Funk's moonsault! Holy shit! He missed! He landed on his head! Jesus.

FUNNY: Funk's foot wraps up Madden's headset. Maybe we won't have to listen to him the rest of the night.

BAD: Madden is back.

GOOD: The spot of Funk's head getting slammed in the cage. 

COOL! Brian Adam and Brian Clarke. I missed these two. If you have been reading this column for any length of time, you have heard me espouse the virtues of Adams (best tilt-a-whirl backbreaker in the business). Clarke is just a big cool tough guy who I am glad to see return having shaken the "Wrath" gimmick.

GOOD: Both these guys look great. 

GOOD: DDP says what we are all thinking: he was supposed to be barred from the building, but he got in anyway and now he has a match scheduled. It's lame writing, but at least someone has the balls to say it.

GOOD: Adams and Clarke versus the Paisans. 

BAD: Chronic? What the fuck kind of stupid name is that?

WOW: That double chokeslam on Johnny the Bull shook the whole ring. Nice...nice impact.

GOOD: Adams is surprisingly good on the stick. Bet he's glad to have shed that Demon gimmick.

GOOD: Here comes Vampiro. Yeah, baby.

BAD: Vampiro pulling Sting under the ring at the PPV...where have we seen that before?

NOT SO GOOD: Vampiro's mic time. He seems flat and uninteresting. Come on, man, drop the Undertaker routine and try something different!

BAD: WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY BOOKING MATCHES FOR THE NEXT PPV? Spring Stampede was last night! Jesus Christ! Give it at least a week!

COOL: Sting comes from the rafters and in five seconds has me rooting for him and calling for Vamp's blood. Wow. Borden is good.

GOOD: Sting on his place in the federation: "WCW runs through my veins. This is my turf." Yep. No argument here.

INTERESTING: Awesome versus DDP. I think we might see a decent match here.

GOOD: Nice floatover DDT by Page.

WOW: Mike Awesome springs off the top rope with a clothesline to the floor! That was nice.

GOOD: Kanyon! Yeah! 

BAD: Sure, he takes the bumps for DDP. 

GOOD: Wow, he really ate that German release! Lucky he didn't snap his neck.

GREAT: Big Sexy arrives, off his crutches and puts the big man through a table with the jackknife powerbomb. Now I am not a huge fan of Nash, but I did like this spot.

WHOAH: The leg of that table went flying out of the ring! Good thing it hit the ropes or it could have taken an eye out. It's all fun and sports entertainment until someone...er...never mind.

I GUESS IT'S NOT...Booker that is taking on Jarrett. If it were, Russo would not be talking to him amicably. So who's left? Pump? Buff? Fit Finley?

GREAT: Yeah! Tank Abbot is coming to the ring! I will bow before him if he punks out Madden again. Please, Tank, do it, but leave his shirt on this week.

UM...EXCUSE ME: Hasn't Buff been around longer than Nash and Hogan? Shouldn't he be an "established WCW star"? Whatever.

FUNNY: Buff shouting that if Liz wasn't there, he would have taken Luger out.

BAD: Madden uses this as an opportunity to ham it up (pun definitely intended).

WOW: He's beating up that old guy from the Chicago Blackhawks. Interesting. Looked a bit stiff. I hope the old guy didn't get hurt.

BAD: If Jarrett says "I am the chosen one." One more time tonight, I will just have to freak out.

AMUSING: When Shane poses, a red piece of confetti falls on his face. It's still dropping? That's quite funny.

WHAT? A ceiling cam? Wow. That makes the ring look so small! Don't use that again.

BAD: Buff makes a run in and gets both music and pyro. That's unique.

GOOD: Flair ringside with the bat. Of course, we all knew it would be the Nature Boy, but I still liked it.

BAD: Took long enough for Hogan to find the Hummer. Let the ambush begin.

BAD: Kidman is waiting ALONE for Hogan? That's not so smart.

UGLY: Hogan was going to actually punch Torrie Wilson! Good Lord. Is that the kind of example he's setting for the viewers? Beat up women? Ugh.

OKAY: Hogan smashing the dumpster with the Humvee. Kinda okay, even though it, too, was lifted from WWF. 

I WONDER: What kind of damage are they gonna do to that car next?

BAD: Sign: "New Blood your next." I hate when people with poor grammatical skill write signs.

GOOD: It's Steiner that accepted Jarrett's challenge.

BAD: Who do we root for? Who's the face?

BAD: Pump has Jarrett in the Steiner Recliner and I am just WAITING for the run-in.

BAD: Yep, there it is. Odd choice, Booker T.

TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT: Bischoff being chased to the ring by Hogan.

BAD: Come to think of it, why run to the ring to hide? That's the one place in the arena that he is sure to be found, what with all the screaming fans and cameras around.

WHERE...is Bret Hart? I heard he was supposed to be there tonight.

OH: There he is.

FUCK! Sure, they cut just as he's about to swing. That's TOTALLY uncool. They make us wait all this time and that's how they end it. It would have made more sense to let us see who he hit, but then, we might have some shred of satisfaction if they had done that.

OVERALL: Again, quite a decent show this week. The production value was higher, the angles seemed to gel well, and we got more in-ring action from the younger guys. However, a lot of little things really brought me down, like Hogan chasing Kidman all around the arena. That just got old after a while. I was also disappointed with all the lame endings to the matches. There's only so much of that I can tolerate and by the end of the first hour, I'd had enough. It's important for me to not that Madden kept pushing the "new WCW." If the new WCW is about no real wrestling, lots of screw job endings, and more blood and T&A than an Andy Sidaris film, I may have to think carefully about my feelings toward the federation.

WWF RAW

GOOD: The Big Show versus Benoit? Jericho and HHH? Already the matches look better than what WCW has on.

WOW: Jericho starts the show! To what do we owe this honor?

INTERESTING: Stephanie's skirt tonight. Frilly willy nilly. Who chooses her laundry?

WOULDN'T IT BE COOL...if Jericho took the strap tonight? Jesus, who wouldn't mark out for that shit?

GREAT: Jericho just sets the microphone on fire. I can barely type, my hands are shaking with laughter. Steffie-baby! Ha!

COOL! Title match!

GREAT: Jericho paid the Acolytes for protection! Ha!

WOW: This match has a TON of energy in it. I like Helmsley more and more every week.

BAD: They blow HHH's jumping knee spot.

INTERESTING...How that "Shane's a pussy" chant seems to have been picked up on by the crowd. It gets louder every week.

I SAW IT: HHH signals a kick to Jericho on the outside by patting his leg.

GOOD: The crowd is TOTALLY into this match.

GREAT: Arm drag off top rope by Jericho! Wow! Great spot.

GOOD: The whole "Pedigree reversed into the Walls of Jericho fought off by HHH" spot. Nicely played, men.

HOLY SHIT!!!! Jericho wins the World Wrestling Federation Title! Jesus Christ!!! What a match! 

GOOD: This match told a story, and a good one at that. I applaud every person involves in it!

BAD: I bet HHH gets it back inside of a week, if not by the end of the night.

BAD: Yep, here it comes. The Dusty finish. He's gonna get Chioda or Hebner to reverse it. I guess a moment of marking is better than nothing.

GOOD: Shane with the fists. He brandishes them at Hebner like a child with a toy gun.

BAD: Hebner agrees to reverse the decision on the condition that HHH never touches him again as long as he is a WCW referee. Let's see, what's gonna happen. I bet he reverses the title change, gets fired, and then gets the stuffing beat out of him. 

MAN...Jericho looks good with that gold around his waist. 

GOOD: JR: "I can't believe what we are seeing." King: "I can't believe what we didn't see."

HERE IT COMES: Just like Robocop..."You're fired." "Thank you." BLAM!

BAD: Eddie studying for his GED. Can we be more offensive?

WORSE: Eddie's overacting during this spot with Chyna.

ABOUT TIME: Linda has returned. I wonder where she stands?

BAD: The McMahons spend way too much time on camera. Remember when the wrestling shows was about the wrestlers?

GOOD: Esse Rios and Eddie Guerrero versus the Hardies. This is gonna be a MATCH!

BAD: We have to listen to Lawler's inane Juan Jimenez impression.

BAD: There is no story at all here. Why are these four guys fighting? Why isn't Eddie teaming with another of the Radicals?

GOOD: Eddie is just fantastic in a tag team. I'd forgotten how great he is in these matches.

GOOD: This match. Lots of action. 

OUCH: Mamcita Chyna grabs Jeff by his burrito!

BAD: Awful overblown spot of Lita accidentally hitting Eddie with the moonsault.

GOOD: I heard there was going to be a huge announcement tonight. Linda confirms.

THINKING IN PRINT: Hmm...will the Rock be taking some time off to film that movie? Could this announcement have anything to do with that? 

COOL: Tazz comes to the ring with the ECW World Championship belt around waist. Slapping WCW in the face? Methinks so.

BAD: If Tazz gets beat by Crash again, it might just make that ECW Championship a little bit worthless.

BAD: This match is a cluster and the addition of Hardcore Holly to the mix just makes it more confusing.

IS IT ME...or does Tazz look larger in ECW?

GOOD: Tazz did not eat a pin this week. I bet that was part of the ECW deal.

WHAT TIMING! The WCW main event is on just as Linda goes out to make the "big announcement." Coincidence? I think not.

FUNNY: Angle preaching about abstinence. OH-FA. Too funny.

BAD: The Rock getting someone in his corner. The last time this happened, it cost Rocky the title. 

GOOD: Austin's return is finally announced.

YEP: Dollars to donuts, Austin costs Rocky his title by turning on him and joining Vince. I bet, I bet, I bet.

YIKES: Looks like Stephanie is going toe to toe with Linda again. Where's the slap gonna come from this time? 

COOL: Linda blocks and lays her daughter out! Linda is shocked at herself. HHH goes for a pedigree! Shane nails HHH! Stephanie slaps HHH! Stephanie slaps Shane! What a great, great series of spots!

COOLER: Rocky makes a very well timed entrance.

BAD: The Rock is happy about having Austin in his corner? Am I the only one who sees the impending screw job? Please, someone back me up here!

I WONDER...what the main event will be tonight?

BAD: Stephanie still has the Women's title. Come on, it's been long enough. Linda, book the next title match for her so she can drop it back to someone else.

COME ON JR: Tell Russo to "suck it!" You know you want to.

AH: DX versus Jericho and the Acolytes tonight. There we go.

BAD: Slowing things down by giving us The Dudleys versus Head Cheese. Well, I guess they can't all be gems.

BAD: The Dudleys versus T&A at Backlash? These guys already fought. Why do they need to fight again.

WELL...I guess we still need to see Trish go through a table.

UGLY: Albert has no shirt on.

WORSE: Trish does.

GOOD: Smart thinking by Trish, kissing Buh Buh Ray to escape him. Now we want her tabled even more!

GOOD: Scotty Too Hotty versus Deano Machino. Wow, that sounds like a bad 70's exploitation film.

SERIOUSLY...this should be a good match. Great in-ring styles here, with the exception of "The Worm."

BAD: I hate the face that Scotty makes before the worm. 

BAD: Bummer. Dean dropped the title. I kinda thought he might. Now what are they going to with him?

BAD: Anyone else see the girl wearing a visor on her head upside down and backwards while Angle lectures the students about abstinence? Is that fashion/ Looks fucking stupid to me.

FUNNY: Show wearing two inflated condoms on his head as he passes uninflated ones out. Hee hee.

WOW: Big show just manhandles Benoit! Look at that hang time!

QUESTION: J.R. is putting Benoit over in this match. Is he in for a face turn?

BAD: Benoit gets DQ'd for a low blow? I'm glad to see him retain the belt, but come on. That's just stupid.

BAD: Bossman. Can we have one RAW without this Chihuahua-cooking fossil?

I SWEAR: If he and Bull win the tag team titles, I am gonna cough up a lung.

GOOD: Bull looks great.

BAD: As long as he is paired with and dressed like The Bossman, I must despise him.

FUNNY...AND TRUE: JR: "You're covering your ass!" King: "What's wrong with that?"

BAD: Another lame ass DQ. 

COOL: Kane's return. Looking good, Glenn. Nice chokeslam there on Bull. Wow.

GOOD: Bradshaw calls Cole a "little bitch." Somewhere in Canada, CyanIndigo is marking out.

BAD: DX punks out Edge and Christian. Fuck, does that mean a feud? If it does, that means that fucking Waltman will get the gold again. Shit! Ass! Fuck! Cock! Douche! GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!

WELL...Not sure what I think of this match...I like Jericho and the Acolytes okay. I like HHH. I am on the fence about Road Dogg. I hate X-Pac. This is our main event? Where is Rocky? All we get is a 3 minute interview?

MEDIOCRE: This match. Dogg and Waltman just shut the crowd off...and me too.

HMMM: DX taken out of the match, and that leaves Jericho and HHH alone. Lemme guess. Rocky?

NOPE: Here come the Acolytes...which means, cue the four B's.

YEP: There they are.

ANTICLIMACTIC: Jericho gets pinned clean by HHH. Sure, whatever. 

OVERALL: The first hour was incredible! The HHH/Jericho debacle was great and really got the crowd pumped. I also liked the Linda/HHH/Shane/Stephanie bit a the turn of 10:00 p.m. Unfortunately, the second hour was loaded with crap and screwy finishes that really brought the whole show to a screeching halt. Too bad, I was hoping for better.

Well, that's it for this week's assessment. Hope you all enjoyed it. If you did, please take the time to listen to my weekly audio show, The Verbal Crossface posted here every week on Fridays. Check back and tell me what you think!

Questions, comments, things that go "bump" in the night? Write me at michaelangelo70@hotmail.com. All letters will be answered or shot at 40 paces.

I am Michaelangelo and will be for a while.