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Michaelangelo

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GOOD, BAD AND UGLY FOR FEBRUARY 21, 2000

Hello again, Michaelangelo here to once again fuck with your Monday evening sports entertainment offerings. Let me wish a happy Presidents Day to all my American readers...to all my Canadian fans, what can I say? Just this: Happy Monday!

Yep.

Anyway, so what's going on in the big two this week? The WCW got its ass kicked in the ratings by the very dog show which pre-empted RAW. So, people would rather watch a schnauzer's hairy balls juggling on a runway than Hulk Hogan's flabby pectorals bouncing inside a wrestling ring.

Can you blame them?

To make things worse, last night was WCW's February PPV, Superbrawl. It left a dry, hairy taste in the fan's collective mouths. The Artist Formerly Known as Pince Nakimaki beat Lash Leroux for the Cruiserweight Title, Tank Abbot nearly killed his opponent and then threatened him with a knife to the throat, The Demon (a guy who has yet to win a single match) jobbed to The Wall, Hogan leg dropped his way to another lackluster victory, and Scott Hall got seriously injured in the main event.

Meanwhile, the WWF could televise two hours of turtles fucking and win in the ratings.

What's left to say?

Nothing, I guess.

Sigh.

Okay, so we must now crown our newest King of Vague References. It just so happens that he is the same as our old King of Vague References, Have-Clue-Will-Travel, aka Jeff. He managed to score four of six references. Here is his e-mail message:

From: have clue--will travel
Subject: Re: Vague References for 2/16 


For once, I've got more than three, but I have a feeling that a lot of
others will get four as well. So here goes:

"What a country! America, I love it." == Russia's fourth greatest export, Yakov Smirnoff. (I can think of three better in the NHL alone, but well, sorry, Yakov.)

"Her legs go to eleven." == This Is Spinal Tap, and a tip of the hat to whoever's maintaining the Demon's coffin these days.

"The Golden Palace of the Himalayas" == You mean someone else actually sat through all of Brighton Beach Memoirs to get to this bit at the end?

"That's just wrong!" == HEY! That's me! I say that! I'm inherently vague! WAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUGH! (no clue on the celebrity/Hollywood speaker you're referring to, tho)

"I think my pants are shrinking too." == Mystery Men, a decent little movie worth a rental that nevertheless captures little of the spirit of the original Bob Burden comics. If you can find Flaming Carrot #16-17 at a comic shop somewhere, do it. Nevertheless, the movie DID include Dr. Heller and his gadgets, including the clothing-shrinker ray that induced this quote.

Jericho's reference... I assume you mean "If you can't say something nice, then shut the hell up." Which is like "That's just wrong!" in that I hear it all the time in daily life and thus it never registered in my puny little head as something memorable if I heard it in a movie or TV somewhere. Oh well. Four out of six ain't too bad.

And so it goes.

jeff.

Good job, Jeff. For the record, the other two references were:

"That's just wrong!" -- This comes from the third greatest cartoon ever made, The Tick. In an episode where Tick and Arthur are trying to pass themselves off as villains, one of the bad guys demands proof. Unfortunately, they want Tick to eat a kitten to show just how evil he is. The Tick responds with this line.

"Kirk Angel" -- Jericho's pet name for Kirk Angle was also used in an episode of Monty Python's Flying Circus in the infamous "Scott of the Antarctic" sketch.

Props to Kevin Nishimine who also managed to identify four of the six references, but did so a tad too late. This week, he is awarded the title of Snowman of Vague References.

You know the drill. If you'd like to take a crack at the crown, look through my report and pick out the Vague References. Identify as many as you can and fashion the response into an e-mail to michaelangelo70@hotmail.com. What are you waiting for? Get to it!

Speaking of getting to it:

The Good, Bad, and Ugly for February 21, 2000

WCW NITRO

GOOD: Actual footage of Superbrawl. It's a silent acknowledgement of the fact that the PPV sucked and few, if any, will order the recast.

LOOK ABOVE...for my comments on Superbrawl.

BAD: Jarrett is still talking NWO? Isn't it obvious that the faction is dead again? Jesus, let it go. "There is a time to talk and there is a time to dance." (Vague Reference)

GOOD: Total Package coming down to the ring in lieu of Hogan. Package is, at least, young enough to be one of the few stars this company should keep....for a little while longer.

GOOD: And in case I haven't mentioned it lately, Liz always looks hot, although admittedly, she could use to change her choice of wardrobe once in a while.

I WONDER: During Luger's tirade of Hogan, are the fans booing him or Hogan?

I WISH...that Liz would take off her shirt in tandem with Luger.

GOOD: Luger's heel heat. His interviews actually cut to the bone without being categorized as "cheap heat."

GOOD: Starting off with an interview segment...setting up matches for later in the evening is a good step in moving forward as a company.

BAD: This stuff involves Hogan, who can still cut a good interview, but is painful to watch in the ring. "My brain hurts!" (Vague Reference)

BAD: Hogan in a cage match? Oh Christ...that's gonna be a waste of steel. I'll bet a million dollars that Hogan doesn't even think of climbing out of there.

BAD: An interview with Sid? How about a title match instead?

QUESTION: Why are they still calling Jarrett the Commissioner? So to get promoted, you just hit your boss over the head with a guitar? I guess I'd better pack my six string! I'm heading into the CEO's office tomorrow!

BAD: Jarrett still calling himself "The Chosen One"? Who the fuck chose him? 

INTERESTING: He claims to have a signed document giving him a rematch...signed by Nash? That may well come back at some point tonight.

BAD: Jarrett declaring war on WCW...there's only three guys in the NWO! Christ.

GOOD: Jarrett and Sid in a rematch...okay, cool. That might not be half bad.

WOW: Torrie's outfit. It has two qualities that I love. Plaid and pleat...oh yeah. Oh YEAH.

INTERESTING: Madusa wearing something unrevealing. That's almost unnatural. We've grown accustomed to her breasts.

WOW AGAIN: Torrie, so good, I just gotta mention her twice. I really wish she's just do Playboy and get it over with.

GOOD: Kidman versus Lash. These two could give us something worth watching.

BAD: I like Lash more than I like Kidman. It's a shame that they will be jobbing the Cajun tonight.

WORSE: I'd rather they jobbed him than having the Harris Brothers run-in for no reason at all! Jesus Christ, NO! This is the shitty booking that made everyone crazy 10 months ago! Fuck you WCW, you just lost half of the few fans you had left.

GOOD: Buff is back. I may not be the biggest Bagwell fan, but right now, WCW needs all the young bodies they can get.

BETTER: He's hitting on Symphony.

BAD: The Kid Cam has turned into GTV...officially. Yet another blatant rip-off of WWF is certainly not going to turn this company around.

GREAT: Vampiro! I have to agree with Madden's assessment that he is "as complete a wrestler as you will find in WCW."

COOL! He's fighting Fit Finley! Since both these guys are good workers, I will forgive the fact that there is no real reason these two should be fighting one another.

BAD: I predict another run-in.

IT WOULD BE COOL: If the Harris boys run in and Finley and Vamp fight them off! That I would mark out to see.

I TOLD YOU: The cage match with Hogan and TP has been made "last man standing." That means 'Wood don't gotta do any climbing, brutha!

GOOD: This match. Not so much the actual wrestling, but the heat is really strong. Fit is getting the boos and Vamp is getting cheered.

GOOD: Fit, in a "fit" of rage, tombstones Vamp after getting pinned. Classic heel behavior and sparking a feud that I don't mind at all.

BAD: Bagwell curled up on the ground as The Maestro pummels him with weak punches? Oh puh-leaze. Will someone tell me why Bagwell isn't in the US Title race for God's sake?

GOOD: La Parka! Yeah! The chairman is back!

BAD: If he's able to read a newspaper in English, why does he speak only Spanish?

GOOD: I never thought I'd be glad to see the Nitro girls just dancing

GOOD: Booker finally putting the nail in the coffin of his relationship with Harlem Heat. Now maybe he can move forward in his singles career.

NOT BAD: Having the Paizans take on Booker for the Tag Team Titles. Come on WCW, give us a thrill and have him win the match! That would be too cool for words.

UGLY: The flubbed uranage on Johnny the Bull by Booker. 

WHAT? Did the Paizans just turn heel here?

BAD: Madden re-uses the line about the H-Bomb three times: "It destroys everything in a 20 mile radius." Hey, genius, you may want to come up with something a little more original next time. Oh, yeah, CRZ's column doesn't come out until tomorrow...guess we'll have to wait until later in the week.

AN ASIDE: Concerning Mark Madden. Admittedly, I think his color commentary has been pretty good so far, but his comments on WCW Live concerning our beloved webmaster were not only unprovoked, but completely tasteless. Madden, if by some chance, you are reading this, remember one thing before you go criticizing others. You are nothing but a half-assed Howard Stern wannabe who shills for a floundering wrestling promotion. The reason you have your job? Nobody else wants it.

VAGUE REFERENCE: "That's all I got to say about that."

UGLY: Big T looks like a giant marshmallow bunny in that pink jumpsuit. Hard to look tough in those colors.

HUGE: That guy Cassius has arms as big as my torso! Holy shit!

QUESTION: Isn't he that guy from the No Limit Soldiers, 4x4?

BAD: Madden shilling DDP's book. Did you read it Mark? Didn't think so.

GOOD: Paisley. She is quite a hot woman. Is it me or does WCW have much better looking women than WWF? If so, why can't they get some of the pubescent ratings?

GOOD: Oklahoma's backhanded comment about how Tony's the only guy in the company who sells. The real tragedy here is the fact that he's right.

UM...WELL...ARE YOU SURE: La Parka is a cruiserweight? Maybe a few Twinkies ago, he was.

GOOD: Madusa dressing as La Parka. I like this idea. She does a good impression of the Chairman. Not a terrible idea...I kind of dig it.

BAD: The announcers pretending that they don't know what's going on.

GOOD: La Parka nailing Oklahoma with the chair. I just like to see it.

BAD: La Parka getting swiftly and soundly beaten by The Artist. He deserves better...he at least deserves some offense. Fucking WCW...still fucking over the workers and awarding the lazy, egotistical assholes.

GOOD: Whooo! Flair! Yeah!

BAD: What the FUCK!?! They cut Flair off in mid sentence! What the hell is going on over there? The best interview in the company just got ended prematurely. That's the story of WCW these days.

BAD: Terry Funk is still wrestling? What the hell is the point? The guy can barely even walk anymore.

I WONDER WHEN...Dustin Rhodes will turn on Funk?

WORSE: Is it me, or is the crowd all but silent out there tonight?

GOOD: Nice bump by the bell ringer, one of the best of the night, in fact. How sad is that?

BAD: Sid chases Jarrett out of the ring. God forbid we get even a slight confrontation between these two. Fuck you, WCW.

GOOD: Dustin turns on Funk. Happened sooner than I thought.

BAD: Nobody seems to care and those that do are cheering. Oops!

BAD: Madden having an orgasm over Rhodes stealing the ambulance...what the hell? It wasn't that cool...in fact, it wasn't really cool at all. 

AWFUL: We are expected to wait until next month's PPV to see Sid and Jarrett in a rematch? Oh for Christ's sake. Funny, when all but four of your top superstars are injured, you'd think they'd book ALL the healthy guys to compete on their flagship show. Why would we do that? Let's have the Maestro, The Wall, and TAFKAPI out there instead. Dumb motherfuckers. They could deliver a title match tonight...and rightfully should. Do they? No.

GOOD: At least Buff is back in the ring.

BAD: He's taking on the Maestro. Why is this guy still around in this gimmick? He's a decent grappler, but his gimmick is lame as all hell.

GOOD: Flair back on the stick. It doesn't matter what he says, I mark.

BAD: What the hell was that spot where Symphony get bumped? Maestro raised his hands like Frankenstein, Buff ducked out of the way about 5 seconds early and Symphony jumped into her boyfriend's path. That was sloppy as hell.

BAD: Tony says: "Symphony may be seriously hurt" just as she gets up and seems to be fine. Good call, Tony.

BAD: So Buff needed the Cat's interference to win this match? Wow. That's beyond lame.

OVERACTING: The Maestro freaking out when he finds out what his new music is going to be. Can you say "overacting" boys and girls? Jesus, this is awful.

BAD: Does Sid actually think that he can catch Jarrett after giving him such a huge headstart?

GOOD: Chae in a cage...who could ask for anything more?

GOOD: Hacksaw taking the Television Title out of the trash and giving it some credibility. Duggan may not be much of a wrestler, but he's over, and he seems to care about what he does in the ring. More power to you, Jimmy.

GOOD: Hearing Regal on the stick again. I forgot how good he is.

BAD: The fact that He will likely lose on Saturday and retire. Crud.

BAD: Schiavone talking about just how good the Wall is in the ring. "he has the skills of a man who's been there 10 years." Uh, are we talking about the same guy?

BAD: Bam Bam jobbing to The Wall. Yeah, okay. Just how far is this guy really going to be allowed to go, anyway? He'll get as far as the TV Title, before he gets squashed by Hogan's ego. 

UGLY: Hogan freaking out against the fence screaming Luger's name. I can't tell you what that really looks like.

GOOD: Arn and David standoffish when Rick confronts them. Hm. Interesting.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I AM ACTUALLY WRITING THIS, BUT...I hope that David doesn't break off from Daffney and Crowbar. I was actually warming up to the whole gimmick.

GOOD: Flair and Luger exhibiting some good heel tactics by beating on Jimmy Hart.

BAD: Again, the crowd doesn't care. You know why? Because the characters in WCW are so inconsistent that we don't even know anyone long enough to care. The moment we start to warm up to someone, they either turn heel, get released, are taken off TV, or get injured. How are we expected to give two shits about anyone at this rate? "I never got to love anybody." (Vague Reference)

WHAT A FUCKING HERO: Hogan waits until after the commercial break to help his friend. What a showboater, he has to make his big entrance and unless the cameras are on, it's just not worth his time.

BAD: Judging from what I have read, this match is nearly identical to the one they put on last night...except this one is inside a steel cage.

GOOD: God bless Luger for selling Hogan's crappy offense like a real trooper. I hope he's getting paid well.

BAD: Madden calls Luger a "genetic freak." Wasn't that Papa Pump's gimmick?

BAD: Flair runs in and this is the same shit we saw last week, except this time, the heels do eventually get the advantage.

OVERALL: Jesus, I hate WCW now. I mean, I really hate it. For the past year, I gave them the benefit of the doubt. I wanted them to succeed. I listened to WCW Live each night and even called in on occasion. They turned every opportunity into a pile of shit. They took every promising young star and ruined him...or let him go over to the competition to become a moneymaker there. I just wash my hands of these guys. I was a loyal fan and now I just hate every second of their broadcasts. If it weren't for this column, I would not even bother watching at all. Look at tonight: The World Champion and the #1 heel are both in the arena, but do not compete, there is no sign of Sting, in spite of his return last night, and the one decent match of the night is broken up by an NWO run-in. In addition, mark Norman Smiley, Crowvar and Daffney, Tank Abbott, and 3 Count in the absentee column. Not that all these performers are superstars or anything, but they are getting over and need TV time to keep their heat fresh. Forget that idea now that Hogan is back, if there's gonna be any heat, it's gonna be his. Tonight's show sucked...big thumbs down and I just can't give a shit anymore.

WWF RAW

BAD, FOR WCW: The WWF will kick serious ass right in Ted Turner's own backyard.

GOOD: Smackdown. In spite of being Benoit-less, DX's antics really told a cool story, allowed them to get the upper hand for one night, and sent the fans home happy.

GOOD: I love that skirt that Stephanie's wearing. I wonder if her real-life boyfriend asks her to come home in "work clothes." Bwa-ha-ha!

GREAT: The heel heat these guys get. DX really got over as a bunch of bad guys...thanks to Stephanie and HHH. Wow. Impressive. 

GOOD: Rocky comes right out before DX gets too far into their tirade.

COOL: The Rock's custom made silk shirt. Now that's one bit of wrestling apparel that I might consider investing in.

GREAT: The Rock's impression of HHH. Honest to God, I am laughing my ass off.

DECENT: The remainder of the opening sequence. It's nice to see the faces square off against the heels, but hasn't that been the formula for the last few weeks? 

GOOD: This time the heels get the upper hand. Seeing Kane, Rocky, and Jack get laid out does add some depth to the characters. It's nice to see a decided lack of egos in the ring. Wow...that's so refreshing to write!

I WONDER...if Chyna is pissed to be relegated to the midcard while HHH and the rest of DX remain in the main event spotlight.

WOW: Jericho is HOT on the stick tonight...Good Lord. It's funny what a well-run business behind you can inspire.

GOOD: The Bulldog is looking buff! "I'm a lean, mean, fighting machine!" (Vague Reference)

BAD: He gets no mic time.

GOOD: Kurt Angle getting some nice heel heat in there. I like the line about Chyna wanting to steal his belt to hock for plastic surgery money.

BAD: Jericho looks like he flubbed a back breaker on the Bulldog. That could be very nasty for Davey Boy.

BAD: No mention from the announcers on the time the Bulldog powerslammed Chyna in order to try and blackmail HHH into giving him a title shot.

GOOD: The end of this match. It furthers the storyline and feud between Jericho and Angle quite nicely.

BAD: Rikishi using the term "bidness." Is it me, or does it sound like he has been hanging out with Farook a little too much lately?

GOOD: The new anti-smoking commercial. I really like the idea of a product other than tobacco that kills one third of the people who use it. It's original and makes a good point.

GOOD: Al Snow and Steve Blackman's backstage vignettes seem to get funnier each week. Blackman is a great straight man.

BAD: The Worm. It's an over spot, but it is as stupid a move as any I have ever seen.

GOOD: This match...all four of these guys are good in-ring performers and I do enjoy watching them work.

BAD: Blackman losing the match after he agrees to dance when Snow insists. It seems too out of character for him. I just don't buy that he would do it.

BAD: The Godfather's Ho's this week. Not too impressive, as a whole.

TOO BAD: I was half-expecting one of the women coming through the curtains to be Midnight. I would have marked for it. She'd go along well with D-Lo and the Godfather.

BAD: Is it me, or is the Godfather getting a bit stale? He's over, but more as a walking catchphrase than a wrestler.

GOOD: Oh yeah! Here we go! Saturn and Dean Malenko! 

GREAT: Saturn clipping the Godfather and stopping the Ho Train! Great spot! Reminds me of a great football movie..."He'll never touch you." (Vague Reference)

BAD: The camera was way out of position.

GOOD: Saturn gets the pin with a great elbow drop. Good match...not great, but good.

GOOD: Putting the Dudleys and the NAO on the same team.

BETTER: Putting the Hardys and Edge/Christian on the same team. They are teaming the opponents together. This is why I have been getting so behind the WWF, their booking has a purpose.

I HOPE...the NAO finally lose the Tag Team Belts on Sunday. It's about time to let the other tag teams get their turn.

GOOD: Billy Gunn nails Christian instead of giving the "suck it" line. About time you acted like a heel, asshole.

GREAT: Listen to Jim Ross, really listen to him. The man manages to tell us about the wrestlers, the upcoming PPV card, and the match at hand without missing a beat.

GOOD: Jeff Hardy being slid outside the ring and taking out the cameraman. 

BETTER: They give us the angle from that cameraman's point of view. I love that shit.

NOTE: All these teams consist of "brothers" except for the NAO. Are all good tag teams made up of relatives?

STIFF: The powerbomb Buh Buh nailed on Jeff. Wow. What serious impact! 

GREAT: The booking of the end of this match. Both sets of teams turn on each other and the good guys win in the end.

BAD: Mark Henry and the Acolytes as a team. Do we really care?

WORSE: Just when I thought I couldn't care less, we get the team of the Hollys and Viscera. 

BAD: Didn't Crash turn on Viscera the last time they met? Why would he team with them?

GOOD: Mae Young taking a serious bump when Holly clotheslined her! Wow. This woman is simply amazing.

BAD: Did the ref count when Viscera was choking her after the splash?

QUESTION: Where is Benoit? I want to see The Crippler in action!

ANSWER: There he is! Whoooo!

GOOD: Test is back! Yeah! I, for one, missed him.

GREAT: These two just go at each other! What a cool match!

GOOD: Benoit gets Test up with two German suplexes! That was all Benoit, too...I don't see Test helping at all.

GOOD: Benoit wins.

BAD: Short match...and I still prefer the Crippler as a face.

BAD: Rikishi selling his ankle injury quite poorly.

GOOD: Eddie's mic work on the way to the ring. They underused him so much in WCW, I forgot how good he really can be.

GOOD: Rikishi's lousy limping was intentional...he's not as hurt as he let on. Good one.

BAD: The ref was counting a pinfall when Eddie's shoulders were off the mat.

GOOD: Cactus Jack's backstage interview. He's moving further and further away from the Mankind persona. To be honest, until now, I was unsure as to whether there was a difference between Jack and Mankind. Now there is.

BAD: Tazz and the Bossman. How long are they going to feed these losers to Tazz before he moves towards a title? I see him as a good Hardcore Champion to start.

BAD: Having to hear about how Tazz is an "overachiever" every fucking week. We get it. Let it go.

GOOD: Tazz putting on the Tazmission and not letting it go, even after the Bossman nails him in the head with the nightstick a few times.

BAD: Why didn't the Bossman just lose? He sucks, therefore, he should lose.

GOOD: Stephanie's sneer on her way to the ring. Daddy's little girl.

BAD: How long are Kane and X-Pac going to be feuding, anyway?

GOOD: The start of this match. Pier six brawls are always fun.

WOW: This match is surprisingly good. Is it me, or is Rocky looking awesome out there tonight? Jesus, does WCW realize just how screwed they are? The WWF's biggest stars are still in their 20's...still learning...getting BETTER.

GOOD: Nice suplex by HHH on Rocky. Very nice, actually.

BAD: The end of the main event. It was quite overbooked, in my humble opinion. While it made sense, I just felt like it was just a bit too predictable.

NICE: Jack sending that pipe through the window of the bus. Not bad, if a little dangerous.

OVERALL: Another "decent" night. I still have yet to see a RAW that tops the one which ended with the 10 man tag team match a couple of weeks back, but this one was quite good. Every match seemed to tell some sort of story and most of them had decent action. Taken as it is, it was a good show. Compared to the crap that WCW spewed this week (How can we help but compare the two?), it was pure genius.

Well, it was largely as most of us predicted. WCW spewed forth a huge stream of garbage while WWF phoned in a mediocre show that was spectacular by comparison.

And that's the way it is.

Questions, comments, inflamed muscles? Write me at michaelangelo70@hotmail.com. All letters will be answered or flogged until submissive.

I am Michaelangelo and will be for a while.

Michaelangelo
[slash] wrestling

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