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Michaelangelo

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GOOD, BAD AND UGLY FOR JANURY 31, 2000

Hey gang. didja' miss me? Well, I missed you?

Did that sound sincere? Well, it sorta' was.

Sorta'.

Anyway, things are looking bleak in Turnerland. The entire roster of the NWO is disabled, and they just watched four of their hardest workers walk out the door and take the first plane to New York. I almost feel sorry for the poor suckers in Atlanta. Well, you know what they say. It's always darkest before the dawn. Remember what happened when the WWF was in the same boat? It took them a while, but they massaged some of their younger talent and managed to pull themselves so far out of the gutter, we can hardly remember them ever having been there at all.

What are the odds that WCW will do the same?

Yeah, I think they're screwed too.

Well, time will tell.

The King of Vague References for this week is Jeff Tatarek. He got three of four.

From: Jeff Tatarek
Subject: Vague References! 


1. "I bet he could win the navel depth competition". A very vague reference, yes, but I saw this take place on an episode of Kids in the Hall a few days ago, where the navel depth competition was used to decide who had the most magnificent beer gut (the winner fished out his lost car keys).

2. "Way to quote precedence!" You've got me on this one. Maybe for that once-in-a-century time when Tony Schiavone manages to remember something that happened more than 4 weeks ago? :)

3. "I'm blind! I'm blind!" Army of Darkness, maybe? When Ash poked his evil counterpart in the eyes, 3 Stooges-style.

4. 'The Dudleys are based on the Hanson brothers'. Aw, too easy--Slapshot! Lawd, I love that movie... "What're you doing?" "Foiling up, Coach. Want some?"

5. Are there only 4 this week?

Good job Jeff. For the record, the second one is wrong. It was actually from The Simpsons episode where Selma Bouvier marries Tory McClure. I believe the episode is "A Fish Called Selma." Bart says it to Lisa after she convinces her parents to let them stay up by citing a previous occasion when they were allowed.

Yep.

If you want to be the next King of Vague References, you know the drill, look for them peppering the report and try to see if you can identify them. Send all responses to michaelangelo70@hotmail.com.

Let's get to it.

WCW NITRO

BAD: If Nash doesn't want Sid to have the WCW World Championship, why does he keep giving him shots? Seems to me that if he wanted to keep the belt off the big man, he'd just deny him title shots.

BAD: Jarrett is acting commissioner? Nash is not even coming? Maybe he'll stay away for good.

GOOD: Nash making Jarrett acting commish. I like the internal tension that they are creating between him and Hall.

BAD: A phone call can transfer the power of commissioner-hood? Uh...okay. How do we know the whole thing wasn't staged by Jarrett in an attempt to overthrow Nash as leader of NWO during his injury? Well, because that would be an angle that might be interesting, and we can't have that.

INTERESTING: Mark Madden on commentary? He has been screaming that he could top anyone at the commentary table. Now's your chance, asshole. I'll give you the benefit of your mouth.

GOOD: Madden already trying to be the heel. That's something that WCW color commentary has been lacking.

GOOD: Pump's ladies. Who are they again?

GOOD: The Harris Boys in the NWO. Commit and keep them. They are twin towers and they are not hurt.

BAD: Muting the "asshole" chant. Isn't that what you have been hoping for? It's called "heat." Look it up.

BAD: Jarrett booking himself as Sid's newest opponent at the next PPV. So, we get no US Title defense? Aren't we short enough titles these days?

BAD: Jarrett, you are NOT the "Chosen One" anymore. Let it go. The Powers That Be are gone. 

OH: I guess that he has to keep saying it, seeing that it's on the back of his new "Slap Nutz" shirt.

I WONDER...who Sid's partners are going to be tonight. Okay, I am a bit intrigued, considering the weak roster.

WHAT THE HELL? A Bensonhurst street fight? What exactly does that mean?

BAD: Booker T. and Big T. again? How many matches do we have to see with these two guys before Booker makes that run at the US Title?

ON THE FENCE: I am not sure how I feel about Madden's presence yet. I will let you know.

GOOD: Flair is back! WHOOOOOOOO!

GOOD: Three Count. I think I am starting to "get it." Gotta tell you, their antics are actually beginning to crack me up. I like when they try to sing after they get their butts handed to them.

GOOD: Lash Leroux! Cool.

BAD: Lash changed his finisher. I liked the old Whiplash.

GOOD: Dustin's coming back? I forgot about him!

GOOD: Crowbar's mic work! Cool! "Ha-haaa!"

GOOD: Disco telling the commentators to call "The Mamalukes" "The Paisanos." It's about time.

BAD: When did Disco start supporting these guys? I thought he hated them.

GOOD: Miss Hancock's legs. Only one other set compares...guess whose.

DECENT: The match. Too bad that Storm had to job.

I PREDICT: Big things for Devon Storm...if he plays his cards right.

BAD: Where did Knobs get that money? He's an undercard jobber.

GOOD: Harlem Heat taking their music back from Booker. That's a good way to break him off as his own man...a singles wrestler! Please!!!

WHAT? Why is that music they offered him supposed to be insulting?

BAD: Taking the "T" from Booker's name?

GOOD: The heel heat that Biggs and Harlem Heat are building.

GOOD: Booker gets his hands on the Lawyer and actually decks him!

BETTER: Biggs' selling.

BEST: Harlem Heat gets the upper hand at the end. Nice spot. 

BAD: No match. As much as I would have liked to 

GOOD: Screamin' Norman getting waylaid by Three Count. At least this seems to be angle advancement.

I BET: Knobs is pissed about the commish screwing him! It took him 50 house shows to make that green.

GOOD: Smiley in the Demon's tomb. I laughed.

BAD: Kidman and the Wall. Looks like Wall has to lie down this time. They couldn't let the big guy stand on the victory, could they?

GOOD: Torrie looking hot, as usual. 

GOOD: This match...Kidman almost got a watchable effort from the big man.

CONFUSING: Vampiro run-in?

GREAT: The return of Ric Flair! "Mean WHOOOO By God Gene!" I missed this guy so much.

GOOD: Flair shooting on his career. I love it.

GREAT: I am marking out big time here. He's just too cool for words.

INTERESTING: Flair turning on Funk in his interview?

BAD: I think that Flair is supposed to be the heel here to Funk's face, but Funk is getting boo'ed to death. I heard that Flair wanted to be a heel, but it seems to me that it just isn't possible.

GOOD: Funk's tirade about Foley's book and Flair's attitude.

BAD: The crowd wants to back Flair...it just doesn't work.

INTERESTING: Both WCW and WWF are live from PA. Curiouser and couriouser. (Vague Reference)

GOOD: Sid gets to keep the WCW World Title. I'd heard rumors that the fact that he beat Nash by submission instead of pinfall.

CONFUSING: Okay, so Lenny and Lodi are no longer Standards and Practices. They call the whole thing a gimmick, yet Skye will remain as a representative of S&P, even though the guys just admitted that it was all crap. I'm getting a headache.

GOOD: At least we may get to see Lenny and Lodi back in action again soon.

NAH: Total Package versus Knobbs. Why should I care?

WELL: I don't care.

OUCH: Gotta hand it to Knobbs and Luger. Those shots with the chair wedged under the Hardcore Champ's arm looked stiff.

BAD: Smiley emerging form the Kiss Cocoon dressed as a Kiss Demon? Ugh. Like he just made himself up while he was in there. No, maybe it was the power of hell that transformed him. Whatever.

GOOD: Smiley versus Shane Helms. Two good workers.

OH, GOODIE: Hogan will be back on Thunder. Yay.

REASONS WHY I HATE MADDEN: On WCW Live, he is all mouth against Hogan coming back. Here as a commentator he is chickenshit and will not mention it. Asshole. Seems to me that he could really get over as a heel commentator if he did a quasi-shoot on why he thinks Hogan should retire. I bet Heenan would have done it.

WOW: Kimberly. She has this uncanny way of making normal clothing look unbelievably provocative.

GOOD: Looks like Page is playing the badass face again.

BAD: Madden pushing the "Kimberly is manipulating DDP" crap down our throats. A little subtlety helps sometimes.

GOOD: This match. These two put on a great show.

GREAT: DDP putting on the Diamond Cutter. It was delivered very smoothly. Loved it.

GOOD: Page solidifies what I already knew was the case by going into the crowd. He's a face again. But for how long...for...how...long? (Vague Reference)

INTERESTING: Flair and Funk with Sid against the NWO? After Naitch and Terry got into that scuffle earlier, I bet he turns on his partners.

BAD: Funk getting boo'ed. Talk about heatless. Ugh.

OK: Looks like Flair isn't showing up at all...at least not for the match.

BAD: This match. What a waste of time. Funk's chairshots look like ass and the rest of the match is all slobberknocking. Was there a single wrestling move in the first 10 minutes?

BAD: Tony trying to make a big deal about the fact that about 15 fans are chanting Sid's name. The guy just isn't over as he should be. He's no Goldberg. Hell, he's no Blackjack Mulligan.

UGLY: That wild punch that Funk threw at Jarrett that missed by a mile. Didn't stop Jarrett from selling it. Oh God! Let this end!

GOOD: Flair finally makes it to the match. 

AS PREDICTED: He turns on Funk.

BAD: The usual screwjob ending...and a quick cut out. What the hell?

OVERALL: I can't say I liked this show at all. The matches were boring and uninspired, the roster is thinner than ever, and the main event was really lousy. Yes, Flair's presence made things better, but even he can't save the company in one night. I'll keep watching, but with Benoit in WWF, I really have no reason to get excited about WCW. Well, that's not entirely true...Vampiro is still there...for now.

WWF RAW

GOOD: If Benoit and company show up tonight I will mark my fucking ass off!

BAD: Snow and Blackman versus the NAO. Gee, I wonder who will win this match. I couldn't be more sarcastic about this if I tried.

GOOD: Signs in the front from: "Oh, didn't you know. You are heels!" I fucking love it. If you were the person holding one of these signs, please write me.

GOOD: Al Snow and his ideas for Blackman. "Snow Storm" and "Snow Balls." I love it. You know, I'd actually like to see these two win the belts. They could have a lot of fun with them as champs...kind of like if Abbott and Costello held title belts.

OH MY GOD!!!!! Benoit, Malenko, Saturn, and Guerrero showed up at ringside!!! YES! YES! YES! Fuck this match! Show the front row! 

GOOD: Ross playing them up. "They don't work here!" Bullshit they don't! 

NOTE: Honestly, I did not expect to see them tonight. I have never been so happy to be wrong in my life.

GREAT: They kick the hell out of the NAO! Flying headbutt by Benoit! Oh yeah! 

I WONDER: What are they going to be called? How about this? DX could start calling them the OWN, which would stand for "Our Worst Nightmare." Hey, I think it's witty. Oh, shut up!

OH SHIT: This is bad for WCW. In one night with their new employers, these four guys are more over than they ever were in Turnerland.

GREAT: The WCW Four and Cactus Jack making fun of WCW. I marked. 

GREATEST: They're going to have fun "all night long"? Be still my heart.

BAD: Didn't we already get Angle/Rock before? Does the Rock have to drop another one to this guy?

GOOD: Angle is pretty good on the mic. Decent heat, I must admit.

GOOD: Kane/HHH and X-Pac/Jericho. Decent booking.

BAD: Snow bunny LumberJill match? Why do I get the feeling that Mae Young will take part in this fucking mess?

GOOD: HHH not going along with the NAO's gripes about "The Radicals." 

BAD: I don't really like that name...seems kind of...er...lame...to me.

GOOD: At least they are faces.

BAD: The Big Show has a haircut? He looks like an overstuffed George Clooney.

GOOD: HHH on Show's locks: "What's with your hair Gomez?" He does look like Gomez Addams.

GOOD: D-Von Dudley versus Christian. This could be a good match.

BAD: JR actually uses the word "dastardly" in reference to The Dudleys. "Who talks like that?" (Vague Reference)

UGLY: Edge's injury. Stitches inside his mouth? Yukky.

GREAT: D-Von taking a DDT through the table. Beautiful.

WHOAH! Jeff Hardy with a Senton Bomb off the top rope through a table. Holy shit! This guy has got to take it easy. He is going to kill himself.

GREAT: The Radicals beat up the Mean Street Posse. That's a rite of passage. Welcome to the WWF, guys. 

GOOD: Too Cool versus The Big Show. This smacks of the old matches when Andre would take on two or three guys at once. Plus, it's sort of moving the angles forward.

BAD: Rikishi is hurt. I thought that first Rock Bottom on Smackdown looked bad.

UGLY: The double DDT on the Big Show. That looked lame.

GOOD: JR on the Wishbone split. "That'll pull a groin, maybe a couple of them."

GOOD: Show wins with a big chokeslam and a well-delivered powerbomb.

GOOD: The Rock on Show's new 'do: "Somebody got a haircut." and "Go back to Supercuts and get your $5 back, Jabroni."  Hee hee.

GOOD: Everything else the Rock said.

BAD: Why does that white stuff in the "Snow Bunny" ring looks like something other than snow to me?

INTERESTING: The Rock in the first hour? What's up with that?

GOOD: This match! Angle delivered some great suplexes and Rocky certainly seemed on his game. Wrestling, on the WWF? Who'd a thunk it?

GOOD: Tazz run-in and Angle's winning streak is over. Tazz nails Rocky. Not terrible...not at all.

GOOD: Finally, the Rock has ended Angle's winning streak.

BAD: What? No reaction from Stef and HHH? What happened to her "crush" on the Olympian?

BAD: Why would the Acolytes take money to protect the Mean Street Posse? I thought these guys hated each other...

I'M SUSPICIOUS: When is Chyna going to turn on Jericho? I get the feeling she might, and soon.

GOOD: More reinforcement that The Radicals will be faces. I liked the little touch as D-Lo and Eddie compared technique on the Frog Splash.

COOL: Chyna's new pyro. I kind of dig the whole gun thing.

BAD: Jericho's pyros were a touch behind the music this time.

SORRY: I know I'm nitpicking, but the RAW show tonight has been cool and I need to slip a BAD or two in there where I can, lest I be labeled a WWF mark.

BAD: This is non-title? Why?

OH: Because X-Pac got the pinfall.

GOOD: JR on Torri hitting Jericho with the belt. "What a bitch."

BAD: What the hell? Another guy in drag in a women's match? Don't they screen these "ladies" before they book the matches?

GOOD: The APA. Okay, I can dig it...but...

BAD: ...wouldn't their clients figure out that if they just join forces, they don't need to hire Farouk and Bradshaw?

BAD: Barbara Bush. I still hate her name.

WORSE: Mae Young and Moolah are LumberJills. I thought they retired.

INTERESTING: Kitty is back in Blonde. Hmmm. I guess she's no longer Chyna's mini-me.

BAD: Intercourse, PA? Uh. Yeah. I guess.

BAD: What the hell is this shit? Ugh.

WORSE: Now a man has the Women's Championship. Can this title lose any more credibility?

GOOD: HHH and Stephanie being skeptical about The Radicals. Rather than welcoming them with "open arms," they berate them for their interference thus far. The spot was excellent.

EH: The Hollys versus Viscera. Who really cares? Is this a blow off match that really needs to happen?

BAD: Viscera's selling. Is it me, or does his pain look...er...pained?

BAD: Crash gets a pin on Viscera? Yeah, yeah, whatever.

YUK: The flying bedpan in the third WWF commercial. That's just nasty.

GOOD: Stone Cold is looking good...he's walking, and that's a plus.

BAD: The fact that Austin is engaged to Debra is not news. Anyone who saw his A&E Biography already knew it. 

GOOD: Matt Hardy versus Buh Buh Ray Dudley. Kudos to the big guy for wrestling after taking that wound earlier in the night.

WOW: Double table powerbomb for The Hardys. Are these guys determined to destroy their bodies?

GOOD: HHH and his heelrific self refusing to hire the WCW Four. I like that. Why do I get the feeling that they may just have something to do with the main event tonight?

INTERESTING: Kane no-shows the main event? What's up?

GOOD: Cactus Jack, eh? So, when do The Radicals return? I'm guessing about the time that the DX beatdown starts.

BAD: Are they going to tell us why Kane isn't in this match?

BAD: Having to listen to Stephanie's lame-ass commentary. "Yeah! Slam his face!" Wow, that's witty.

INTERESTING: A HHH beatdown? That's new.

BAD: The crowd's lukewarm reception...I think they'll warm up later. Just keep these guys on television.

GREAT: I love hearing "What a chop there by Benoit!" come out of the mouth of JR.

OVERALL: What can I say? The WCW Four showed up on RAW. It's obvious that they are going to get pushed. The rest of the show was well booked. I liked X-Pac versus Jericho and The Dudley matches. I could have done without the "Snow Bunny" match, but I look forward to Thursday. Benoit! Benoit! Benoit!

Well, that's it for this week. The WWF certainly seems to have some serious shit in their corner. In spite of the sidelining injuries for both Austin and the Undertaker as well as the absence of Vince and Shane, the fed still manages to pump out great matches and awesome storylines.

And now, with the addition of Guerrero, Malenko, Saturn, and Benoit, they have the potential for awesome technical wrestling too.

Oh WCW. What ever shall you do?

Questions, comments, tragedies? Write me at michaelangelo70@hotmail.com. All letters will be answered or read at a cafe in front of 30 college students in berets.

Speaking of which. Sorry there's no Expansion Column this week. There will be one HUGE one next week. Just hang tight till then!

I am Michaelangelo and will be for a while.

Michaelangelo
[slash] wrestling

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