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GOOD, BAD AND UGLY FOR JANURY 10, 2000

Happy mid-week everyone. It's Michaelangelo here to throw more shit at the wall to see what sticks.

Boy, that's a gross thought.

What's happening in the world of Professional Wrestling these days? In Turner-land, the NWO are terrorizing and no-selling the new Commissioner, Terry "I am not Ric Flair's stand-in" Funk. Over in New York, the McMahon-Helmsley era is in full swing and has actually begun to bite the ass of the DX underlings.

So, what do we have to expect from the "Big Two" tonight? I'm guessing more of the same, but that's just me.

Before we get to tonight's offering, let's take care of some business, the crowning of this week's King of Vague References. Actually, this week, there are two. First is Lik D. Splyt who got three of four correct. Here is his letter:

From: "Lik D. Splyt"
Subject: References Schmeferences 


i bet someones got these already cuz they're easier than they've been in previous weeks...

"BAD: Oh, her name isn't Skye anymore. Her name is Miss Hancock. Oh please. That's worse than Barbara Bush. That's like, middle school naming convention. "Can I speak to Hugh Jass, please?" (Vague Reference)"

the Simpsons episode "flaming moes" where Bart calls Moe's for Hugh Jass only to have his Prank backfire.

"GOOD: Daffnee being kidnapped by Jarrett. Even I didn't see that coming. I must be getting tired...well it is 1:06 a.m. Yep. That must be it. It's nearly beddy bye boze time again. (That Reference isso Vague, veryone who identifies it automatically get a crown, scout's honor.)"

1:06 am? where you watching this in Canada? if so, my guess may be correct.. i remember this kids TV show called "Size Small" and there was a Granny that had a lisp and when she said her goodbye she said something like that... i'm not sure at all but it was some silly catchphrase.

"GOOD: Terri's choice of attire this evening. (Hit the malls CyanIndigo.) She is a total MILF. (Vague Reference)"

easy: American Pie: "she's a total milf!" "whats a milf?" "mom i'd like to fuck!"

i need to see some pics of this CyanIndigo chick.. provide us with them or stop teasing us!

" I HATE MYSELF: For laughing at this Have a Bad Day stuff. Damn you DX! Damn you all to Hell! AAAAAGH! (Vague Reference)"

the ending of Planet of the Apes... also parodied in the Simpsons when Homer is about to go to the moon "wait a second... Statue of Liberty... THAT WAS OUR PLANET!!!!"

Only 4? tsk tsk tsk...

oh well, these are my guesses... *wishes good luck to self*

Godspeed lil' doodle

CxPx

Good going, Lik. As for your desire to see a photo of CyanIndigo, just be patient. Wait for it.

Now, last week, I put in what I thought was a particularly extra-super hard vague reference. I promised anyone who got it right their own special crown. Now there is some debate about the origin of the quote and it is under investigation, but for now, only one person got it correct, Double D. Here is his correct answer.

From: Daryl726
Subject: Vague Ref. 


What's up Michaelangelo.

Had to disagree somewhat with your assessment of Nitro. I thought they did a pretty good job of reinforcing the NWO as mega-heels. It appeared that they were working with a limited roster for whatever reason. Having said that, the faces MUST kick some ass next week to even the score-providing there are any healthy faces left. (We want Flair!)

I'm not real confident on the Vagues this week. I'll go with Bart Simpson calling Moe for the first one. The only guess I have For "beddy bye boze time" is the puppet Ronald Reagan in the video for "Land Of Confusion" talking to the monkey. Did I get it?

Have a good week,
(It's me! It's me! It's that...)
Double D

CongratsDouble D. 

Now, as for the crown, you two will just have to fight to the death to see who gets to wear it. Let me know how it turns out.

If you want the incredible honor of being referred to as a King of Vague References, all you have to do is read what follows, look for the marked passages, and see how many you can identify. Do you have what it takes?

Probably not.

And now, without further ado:

The Good, Bad, and Ugly for Monday, January 10, 2000

WCW NITRO

FINALLY: It's the old guys! Arn, Larry, and Mr. Wonderful are back. Now we can get this angle up and running. Took them long enough.

BAD: The PTB are gone, so these four old guys are fighting the NWO? The top stars in the federation, guys who are damn close to prime? yeah, right.

BAD: Paul Orndorff looks like an over the hill Frankenstein. "It's pronounced Fronkenshteen." (Vague Reference)

GOOD: They get right started with a match, and three good workers (Kidman, Saturn, and Malenko are involved).

BAD: Konnan's in there too.

GOOD: Shane Douglas referring to himself as "The Franchise."

BAD: Another "mystery" in the Revolution's partner at Souled Out this Sunday.

GOOD: At least the PPV is this weekend. We don't have to wait too long.

GOOD: This match, oddly enough. It's close to a clusterfuck, but Saturn, Kidman, Malenko, and Storm play well together.

BAD: Daffnee should come out in a black leather miniskirt and cobweb stockings. That would be cool. David Flair would be sooo over!

GOOD! NO, NUTS! Saturn dropping from the balcony through the table. Holy shit! Great spot.

BAD: Schiavone saying "I've never seen anything like that" in reference to Saturn's high flying move. Is Tony trying to tell us he never saw Foley in Hell in the Cell?

YOW: Papa Pump's birthday presents. Again, the WCW manages to hire the hottest women they can find. Too bad they still can't figure out how to use them.

GOOD: Funk's got the old branding iron. Someone's gonna get red paint on their chest.

BAD: Oklahoma. Bad. Period.

WORSE: He's out there doing the "women should be barefoot and pregnant" shit that Jarrett was doing in the WWF months ago (and Andy Kaufman did years ago). This is the dumbest, most unoriginal crap I have ever seen.

GOOD: Is Asya turning face here? I heard she's going to be out of the Revolution soon. 

BAD: Without mic skills, though, what would she do?

BAD: Madusa doing her impression of Smurfette. What the hell is with the blue wig?

BAD: Horrible broom shots by Ferrara on Madusa. He hit her with the bristles and the thing broke at the wrong time. This whole spot was a complete waste...utterly worthless. 

BAD: Okalahoma wrestling again. CRZ, what was that quote by Russo about the writers only using themselves to put other wrestlers? He's fighting for the Cruiserweight Title at a fucking PPV. And he just put himself over two fairly competent female wrestlers. Fuck you, WCW.

BAD: Schiavone and Tenay getting all bent over the bump that Funk took on Thunder. If they had half a clue, they'd know that that bump was nothing compared to the shit this guy has been through in his career. It's almost insulting...almost.

GOOD: I like Funk referring to his geriatric gang as the "Old Age Outlaws."

BAD: It's still a reference to WWF, and that's a no-no.

BAD: Come to think of it, they have a Road Dogg clone in Buzzkill, now they are taking off the NAO, all they need is a guy called Mr. Tush and they have a full set. Jerkoffs. Every week I realize just a bit more that Russo is very overrated.

GOOD: Larry Z's tirade on the NWO. Good stuff. Very good stuff.

BAD: Lukewarm reception from the crowd.

CAN WE...please see these Powerplant guys involved in the action this week? They've been sitting in the first row like morons for the last month.

BAD: The NWO still have their old music. I thought they were all-new? 

BAD: Speaking of music, you still can't identify half the guys by their themes. They have to get that shit together, and soon. Poor production value like this is unacceptable for a company with so much cash to throw around.

BAD: I heard that they are bringing in some old wrestlers to fight Jarrett tonight. I also heard they are going to be jobbing to him. I am not too keen on that idea...but I guess it depends on who they are.

GOOD: Benoit as the guest referee. At least the guy is there this week.

BAD: He probably won't wrestle.

GOOD: Nash and Hart booked to face each other...and if they use kid gloves, they are suspended without pay.

BAD: The heels are much more slick and witty than the faces...that's really not the best way to present this shit. The crowd was still more behind the NWO than Funk and the Funkettes and that makes for unacceptable crowd reaction...or none at all.

BAD: Fifty minutes and we seen only one wrestling match. No, I do not count the Oklahoma thing as a match.

BAD: This whole spot is backstage shit for five minutes. Stalling to the top of the hour are we?

BAD: This angle between Bagwell and Page has little to no heat behind it. Without Kimberly out there, I doubt it ever will. Just end this shit, please.

GOOD: The exchange between these two guys in the ring. Not to shabby mic work going on here.

GOOD: The countdown for civil behavior. Nice touch.

BAD: These two guys trying to stretch the full five minutes and keep it interesting.

BAD: Buff on he and Kimberly: "The sexual chemistry...you could cut it with a knife." Since when do you cut chemistry with anything, let alone a knife?

BAD: Buff asking the crowd if he's a liar. How many times did he turn on Rick Steiner?

GOOD: Stiff shot from Page to Buff's face!

BAD: Buff standing over Page, beating on him, shouting, "I didn't do it!" Maybe you'd be more convincing if you weren't knocking the stuffing out of him!

GOOD: Hart and Nash backstage jawing over what's going to happen during their match. At least they talk a good game.

BAD: I get the feeling this is just another lame-ass swerve. If Nash falls down when Hart pokes him in the chest, I will throw my television remote control down in disgust, run screaming from the room, and eat some sweet pickles until I feel better.

BAD: I think that was more information that you guys needed. Sorry.

GOOD: Benoit is back! Oh yeah! What's keeping me tuned in is the fact that, since he is reffing the cage match tonight, he will be delivering a headbutt from the top of it as well. Yeah baby!

I WOULD MARK MY ASS OFF: If Foley was the opponent in this Bunkhouse Brawl. I know it's impossible, but we can all dream can't we?

SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP: George "The Animal" Steele? This guy looks like he has not aged a day since the 80's.

BAD: Heenan on Animal's presence: "How did Terry Funk do it." Well, he called up Steele, who's currently unemployed, and offered him $2,000 for a 5 minute appearance. Duh.

GOOD: George eating the turnbuckle. That takes me back.

BETTER: The faces getting the best of the NWO. It's about time. Let's see if Nash gets taken down too, then I'll really be impressed.

UGLY: Steiner pouring champagne on his chest. Ugh. I could do without that image.

BAD: Why is it Jarrett is the only one who sees that Funk is deliberately pitting the NWO members against each other? Nash should be smarter than this. I guess he isn't.

BAD: Is anyone really interested in the Harlem Heat breakup?

GOOD: Ray accuses Schiavone of having "no personality." Yeah!

BAD: Why did they bleep "fruit booties"?

GOOD: Ray's shtick about Booker's success breaking them up isn't half bad. 

GOOD: I've always liked Harlem Heat's theme music.

BAD: I can see where this is going. Booker's gonna get slapjacked.

BAD: Wow, Gene is having a tough time getting down out of the ring.

BAD: Booker refuses to fight his Ray because they are family. They slept in the same bed for 12 years and their mother is rolling in her grave...but all it takes is one slap in his face to change his mind? Come now. If that always worked, imagine the power you could have. If you wanted to haggle a used car salesman down a few grand, just whack him. If you want to get let out of a murder charge, smack the judge. Yeah, right.

GOOD: Booker left the ring in an un-slapjacked state. At least that was refreshing.

BAD: Are all the matches in the second hour Jarrett matches?

BAD: Funk flubs "WWF" it must come out like acid on his tongue.

GREAT: Tito Santana! Woo! I always loved this guy...until they made him a glorified jobber called "The Matador." 

I HOPE...that Heenan calls the flying forearm a "flying jalapeno."

GOOD: Jarrett shoving Ted Washington! Heel move personified. 

GOOD: Santana doesn't look half bad in there. At least not for the first few minutes.

BAD: Santana delivered the forearm and Heenan clammed up.

BAD: I take it back, Santana is sloppy as hell.

GOOD: Beautiful piledriver by Orndorff! He still has it!

BAD: Tank Abbott? Of all the guys to send out now...

GOOD: Thunder moved to Wednesday nights. I may actually watch it now. 

BAD: They should call it Wednesday Wonder. Eh? Eh? Ah, fuck you.

WHAT? Tank Abbott with the stick? Since when?

BAD: Abbott starting a feud with Dillenger? Oh Christ. They did this in the WWF when Blackman went after their head of security. Yet another recycled angle. At least the WWF guy looked like he could take a hit from a young wrestler. Dillenger looks like my Great Uncle Eddie.

BAD: Abbott's insistence on making duck noises over and over again.

BLEAH: This spot. I just cannot care. Hard as I try, I can't care about any of this shit.

COOL: Snuka is Jarrett's opponent in the cage match! If we have to see an old guy in the ring again, that's one guy I'd like to see. I wonder if FOley is taping this.

SUGGESTION: It would be easier for Nash to stretch if he wasn't wearing those leather pants.

BAD: Benoit taken out? I bet he'll be back before all is said and done.

OH YEAH: I don't care how old he is, Snuka is about as cool as they come.

GOOD: Benoit is there...and blowing snot on his way to the ring!

GOOD: Benoit going for the headbutt of the cage!

BAD: Jarrett blocks it.

GOOD: The old guys make the save! I'm marking!!!!

YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! Benoit and Snuka with double high flying moves off the top of the cage! Snuka hits the superfly and Benoit nails the headbutt! Oh man! That's one tape to keep for-fuckin-EVER!!!! WCW WINS! WCW WINS! WCW WINS!

GOOD: The women wearing Pump out, and keeping him distracted from the rest of the NWO's troubles.

BAD: Hey! No Leia Meow tonight? Rip-off!

GOOD: Steiner actually getting his mouth washed out with soap. Yeah, it was a kind of weak spot, but at least we got to see Funk keep his promise.

BAD: Since when does Hart wrestle in Jeans? What is he, raiding Eric Watts' locker?

CARE TO WAGER...as to how long this match will go before the run-in? 

QUESTION: Didja notice that we have yet to see Sid tonight? There is a PPV Sunday and he's taking on Hart for the main event. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that we will see Mr. Eudy within the next few minutes.

GOOD: This is a decent wrestling match. On Russo's Nitro? Naw!

BAD: Nash barely selling Hart's offense against his leg.

GOOD: The run-in isn't happening soon. They are letting this match go on for a while. Cool.

GOOD: Heenan repeating the phrase "A bonus?!?!" over and over again. Well, I laughed.

OKAY, HERE WE GO: Here comes the run-in, a pipe to Nash and, right on cue, Sid.

BAD: Horrible spot when Sid kicks the chair into Hart's face, the kick is to light and Hart has to hit himself with the chair and sell it, God bless him.

SEND THEM HOME HAPPY: Hart eats a chokeslam and a powerbomb and gets a 3 count. Not too shabby.

OUCH! Funk "brands" Nash with a flaming branding iron. That looked cool.

OVERALL: A better show than the last couple, to be sure. If I had been in the arena, though, I may have felt a little gypped since we saw Jarrett out there three times and did not get to see Goldberg, Sting, Luger, or most of the rest of the roster. The ending to the cage match was way cool and Nash and Hart managed to pull a decent match out of their asses as well. I may not buy Souled Out, but I will check the results, and that's something.

WWF RAW

GOOD: Ross finally mentions the Royal Rumble.

INTERESTING: The locker room emptying into the ring.

BAD: What the hell is BB doing out there? I thought she was an EMT.

GOOD: Rocky is out too! Normally he doesn't have anything to do with this kind of stuff. I am already enthralled in this show. It took the WWF five seconds to do what the WCW couldn't do in its whole first hour.

GOOD: Rocky playing the crowd. Yes, he says the same shit over and over again. Yes, it's never really different. Yes, I still love it.

GOOD: Rocky on addressing the crowd: "As unaccustomed at public speaking as the Rock is..."

GOOD: The rest of DX finally telling HHH and Stef that they are on their own.

WOW: Stef has a waaaay short skirt on there, and it looks damned good on her. CyanIndigo, we're going shopping soon, aren't we, sweets?

GOOD: The Rock brining out the "know your role" line for Stephanie. Never did the words hold so much meaning.

GOOD: The WRF! I'd watch that sumbitch 24 hours a day.

GOOD: Foley is back in. Now, who'd a thunk they'd do it that simply. Just bring him back one day. That's a cool swerve.

GOOD: Mankind coming back into the ring! This crowd is really getting their money's worth tonight. 

GOOD: Setting up the match that we all knew would take place. Mankind/HHH.

GOOD: The Rock in the Royal Rumble...It's gonna be a cool PPV.

GOOD: Mankind and Rocky booking the night's matches. Road Dogg versus Mr. Ass, X-Pac versus HHH, and DX versus the Acolytes and the Rock and Sock connection.

GOOD: The WWF acknowledging The Acolytes as a badass team by booking them in a main event match.

GOOD: This whole segment. I can't think of a thing I didn't like about it.

GOOD: X-Pac to HHH after DX bitches to him about the night's booking: "I guess I'll see you out there." I hate X-Pac, but it was quite a nice dig.

GOOD: Lillian Garcia's black minidress. I need her designer's number. I know a certain hot Internet Wrestling Columnist that would look INCREDIBLE in that outfit.

BAD: No, it isn't CRZ.

BAD: Billy Gunn is still referred to as Mr. Ass. That really is a stupid name. When is he going to realize it?

BAD: We've seen these two guys lock up enough over the past year. they should have made it a gimmick match.

GOOD: It will probably be a good match.

BAD: Mr. Ass attacking Road Dogg from behind. Even heel partners should respect one another, shouldn't they? If they don't build a real dissention between the two of them, it's really not worth the effort.

BAD: Gunn still wearing that stupid stretchy necklace thing. Isn't that made for ladies?

GOOD: Road Dogg's leg hook slam to counter the Fameasser for the win. Nice spot.

GOOD: Matt Hardy is going to be back in the ring tonight? Life is good.

GOOD: Mick with the "fake Mankind" (Mideon) tied to a chair. I wonder if there will be an unmasking.

BAD: Smackdown is going to be in Providence on January 18 and they are still billing Austin to be there.

GOOD: The Hardys versus Blackman and Angle. This may well be a very good match.

BAD: How many different colors is Jeff Hardy's hair?

UGLY: Blackman swinging Jeff into the steel steps face first. Maybe it was the camera angle, but it sure looked sloppy.

BAD: Blackman being pinned by such a rudimentary move. Since when does a swinging neckbreaker finish a match? 

GOOD: Mankind taunting Mideon. He even used diabolical laughter and diabolical acting. (Vague Reference)

GOOD: I get a feeling my boy Edge is facing Jericho. Aren't Canadians cool?

GOOD: Jericho and Chyna playing off one another as co-Intercontinental champs. I thought this angle might be a bit dangerous, but it seems to be working so far.

BAD: It will probably end up wearing out its welcome.

BAD: Edge is fighting Venis, not Jericho. 

GOOD: Well, there is a title up for grabs...and both guys are Canadians. It's all good.

BAD: Venis' sister is engaged to Edge? What? Why? When? Where? (Vague Reference)

GOOD: This should be another good match.

GOOD: Yes, indeed it is. 

WHAT WOULD BE GREAT: If Edge wins the European Title tonight.

BAD: Edge hitting the Downward Spiral close to the ropes and not dragging Val to the center of the ring to make the pin.

BAD: Edge losing the match.

GOOD: At least it was a clean pin.

BAD: What was the point of Edge telling Val that Christian is going to be his best man? I don't get it. Here's an idea, have a point. It makes things so much more interesting for  the viewer! (Vague Reference)

BAD: Crash is still hauling that stupid scale out every damn match. Let it go. Gimmick done.

GOOD: Jericho pointing out that he got a bigger pop from the crowd on his entrance than Chyna.

BAD: It telegraphs the screwjob. I'm just counting the seconds before she turns on him.

BAD: Chyna ducks about 5 seconds to early to avoid Crash's charge.

GOOD: Chyna taking some good bumps here. She's looking really good out there.

GOOD: Okay, Jericho screwed Chyna this time. I can live with this ending.

BAD: I hope they don't make a career out of tricking each other to get a hold of the IC belt every week.

GOOD: Mankind with the Chinese hot coffee torture on Mideon. He's more machine than man, twisted and e-vil. (Vague Reference, okay, easy one)

PREDICTABLE: It's a non-title match between HHH and X-Pac. Guess who's gonna win.

BAD: Do we have to listen to Stephanie at the announcers' table? It's about as encapsulating as watching bread rise.

GOOD: No! We don't! Yay!

BAD: Maybe I'm channeling CyanIndigo, my brother-in-law, and my best friend Scott, but I think X-Pac sucks. I have tremendous hatred for him right now.

GOOD: Ross recalls HHH breaking his arm. Way to engage the continuity engines. Warp 10.

GOOD: HHH won. I would have expected otherwise.

BAD: X-Pac kicked out of Jeff Hardy's finisher, right? Why not have him get a shoulder up after the Pedigree? Hm? Fucking egos.

GOOD: DX finally turning on HHH.

BAD: It's likely another swerve. Keep your guard up, folks.

UGLY: JR on X-Pac hitting the turnbuckle jewels-first: "X-Pac's manhood just exploded on that top turnbuckle." Can you say, "OWCH!"

GOOD: Rikishi versus HHH on Thursday. One hell of a match, if you ask me.

BAD: When did the Headbangers become cross-dressers?

BAD: Why is Al Snow teaming with them anyway? Seems like he was just tossed him onto the card randomly. That's no way to book a show?

UGLY: Close-up on Rikishi's ass during the dance routine. Oh GOD. Please stop that! I need to see about forty naked Ho's to shove that memory from my mind.

FUNNY: Mick threatening Mideon with an hour of Al Snow matches. If you read his book, you'd be laughing too.

GOOD: As if by magic, we get a Godfather match. This may help with that horrific Rikishi thing.

BAD: Still hate the Dudleys' new ring attire. Yep. Sucky.

GOOD: King on the Dudleys' genetic makeup: "I think someone peed in their gene pool." Scientifically funny.

BAD: Why did the Dudley's try to kidnap the Ho's.

GOOD: Mankind setting up an attack on Mideon from Kane by complementing Tori on her sweaty heaving breasts.

I BET YOU'RE EXPECTING A REFERENCE TO CYANINDIGO'S SWEATY HEAVING BREASTS RIGHT ABOUT NOW: Good. Then I have done my job these past weeks. Ha! Made you look!

BAD: The announcers don't understand what Mankind was doing by antagonizing Tori.

BAD: If they want to convince us that Tori doesn't want to be touched or propositioned or even gawked at, they should put her in some more conservative clothes. Her choice of attire simply doesn't make any sense.

GOOD: Test and Show as partners! It's a mini RE-Union. Get it?

BAD: I am ashamed of that pun.

BAD: When is the Hardcore Championship going to be defended again? Isn't there a 30 day minimum?

BAD: The match was over before it started. No chokeslam or anything! Boooooo!

GOOD: At least Test got a pinfall.

GOOD: I spoke too soon! Double chokeslam by The Big Show! Yaaaaay!

BAD: There's only like, four names on that signup sheet. Haven't there been lots of matches tonight?

I WONDER: If DX is going to screw HHH or if DX has been swerving us all night long.

GOOD: The Rock and Mr. Ass jawing in the center of the ring before the match. I loved Rocky's eyes when Ass was making light of the People's Eyebrow.

BAD: Losing the picture for a second during the match. I've already had my cable box go out once during a Monday night show...let's not have that again.

OBSERVATION: If Bradshaw's build was more defined, the guy could be a main eventer.

ANOTHER OBSERVATION: Farouk should be a main event singles wrestler. He's a major asskicker with a great look.

GOOD:  The crowd popping when Mankind pummels HHH in the corner.

I KNEW IT: DX abandons HHH.

UH OH: The rest of Mankind's partners left the ring, too. I suspect this does not bode well for Mick.

WOW: Stiff bell shot by HHH on Mankind.

WOWx2: A Pedigree through the announce table! Jesus Christ!

GOOD BOOKING: Mick losing the match, tonight. I bet there will be a different ending at the Rumble.

UGLY: Mankind bleeding all over the place. I bet this is his last run for sure. He's going all out tonight. 

GOOD: Mick giving us the "bang bang." Goodbye Mankind, hello Cactus Jack.

BAD: Lillian Garcia announcing HHH as the winner of the match. Wasn't it the team of HHH, X-Pac, and the New Age Outlaws that fought this match?

OVERALL: Strong show this week. Much better than last week, for sure. Lots of angle advancement, we got the emotional release of seeing HHH and Stef finally get their just desserts, and DX finally get their heads out of their asses. To make a good things even better, there were a lot of great matches in there. I have to give the WWF two thumbs way up on their offering this week.

Well, that's it for this week's Good, Bad, and Ugly. Hope it hit the spot, guys.

Questions, comments, worried about the Time/Warner and AOL merger, write me. I'll comfort you. Send your shit to Michaelangelo70@hotmail.com. All letters will be answered or used for packing material.

Until next week, friends.

I am Michaelangelo and will be for a while.

Michaelangelo
[slash] wrestling

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Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission