Hello, hello, hello all you Internet fanboys and girls. Here we are for another rousing night of the Monday Night Wars. I am your host, Michaelangelo, the kickin'est, craziest, freakiest...

Aw, fuck it.

You know me, I know you. Let's just get past this shit, shall we?

It astounds me that I am sailing through the most emotionally trying point in my short life and yet I still manage to crank this crap out for you guys every week. 

Eh, well, they say that suffering is what makes a writer a writer. If that's true, I am probably the equivalent of a 500 foot tall Edgar Allen Poe violating a 500 foot Stephen King with a Garden Weasl.

Keep that in your mind as we move on to naming our King of Vague References for this week.

Congrats to our new King, Jeremy Moran! Here is his letter which correctly identifies all four Vague References from last week:

From: Jerro
Subject: Vague references 

Okely dokely. These were pretty easy this week, so here goes.

1) "You're all individuals" "I'm not!" is from Monty Python's The Life of Brian, the scene where Brian, erroneously accused of being the Messiah (ah, the perils of being born in the stable next to Jesus), is chewing out the crowds that have camped outside his window. This scene is also notable for showing us Graham Chapman's schlong. Not that I'm interested in that sort of thing. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

2) The whole "Jessica-coma, Burt-space ship, etc." thing comes from the old ABC sitcom soap, a show most noted for having one of prime time's first gay characters, played by Billy Crystal. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Gay characters, I mean, not Billy Crystal. And I knew it before CRZ disqualified it. Besides, I would wager that 90% of internet wrestling fans don't remember that show. Hell, most of them don't remember Piper's last good match. A lot of them weren't even born then. :)

3) "damn dirty apes" is from Planet of the Apes, spoken by the Daily Show's Man of the Millennium, Charlton Heston. The actual line is, I think "Get your filthy paws off me, you damn dirty apes".

4) "The circle is complete". The line is actually "The circle is *now* complete", and it's spoken by Darth Vader during his fateful duel with Obi-Wan Kenobi in Star Wars. And I've now totally confirmed my geekiness. See you next week.

Jeremy Moran, Official Usenet WebTV Apologist

Now, you want to be honored in this way? Just look for the Vague References that pepper my report. If you are the first to identify them, you get the crown. That simple.

Yep.

Now I gotta come up with these fucking things. What a pain in the ass.

But that's my problem. 

Before we get going, let me just offer my heartfelt best wishes for a safe and happy holiday season to all...and to the one and only CyanIndigo, congratulations on finally earning the coveted "slash" here on [slash] Wrestling. 

Ah...God bless us, every breast...er...one!

The Good, Bad, and Ugly for December 20, 1999

WCW NITRO

GOOD: Actual footage of the main event lat night...looks like I might be wrong about the Expansion Column's comments about Hart turning heel. So, does that mean that Piper is a heel, or is he under the heel of the Powers that Be? Oh, the intrigue!

GOOD: Spice is looking hot...CRZ has to love her new involvement in Nitro.

BAD: Why the hell did she turn heel, anyway?

GOOD: Madusa being a female champion.

IT WOULD BE BETTER: If she dumped the Cruiserweight Title in the trash like she did to the WWF Women's Championship belt a few years back.

UGLY: Close ups of Madusa's face. Egads. Is that a 10 oz flank steak? Stick with the long shot.

GOOD: Brad Armstrong back in the ring. 

BAD: He's "Buzzkill."

GOOD: Madusa kicking ass and taking names!

BAD: Buzzkill's dreads falling off. Spend some goddammed money on real extensions for the guy, WCW.

INTERESTING: Spice giving us an upskirt on her way out of the ring. She knows how to keep her job. I wonder what AC Jazz is doing these days.

GOOD: Another Ladder Match between Benoit and Jarrett. I'm happy.

BAD: The crowd noise so loud during Tony, Tenay, and Heenan's opening spiel is too loud. We cannot hear them.

GOOD: Brain on Tony's verbal longevity: "You know, I can talk too."

BAD: Hugh Morrus versus Kurt Hennig? Who the fuck cares?!?

GOOD: Piper looking weary...The angle of him getting tired of fighting the PTB might just be going somewhere. 

WHY...is his son there? This could be really bad.

BAD: Piper's son screaming all his lines. What did he go to the McCauley Culkin School of acting?

BAD: I thought Morrus was in the First Family...well, since Knobbs is under Finlay's care, The barbarian has vanished, and Flynn is a blockhead, 

BAD: A masked man attacks Shane. What the fuck is this shit? 

GOOD: If it's Ric Flair, it's forgiven.

BAD: What the hell is this old guy doing out there?

GOOD: It's Hugh's dad? Somehow that strikes me as very funny. If that skinny little guy is his dad, Hugh's mom must be a fucking buffalo!

GOOD: Brain on the old guy: "It's Okerlund."

GOOD: This match. Both these guys are pretty good workers in the ring. I didn't hate what I saw.

BAD: Is the old guy supposed to be crazy or something? That's not cool. Take my word for it, I do not like this.

BAD: I thought the PTB told Hennig to make sure that was Morrus' last match. I may be wrong, but a Hennigplex does not normally end careers.

BAD: The PTB telling Piper to take the blame for screwing Goldberg last night ON CAMERA! What the hell is that? He admitted that it was he who did the deed and explicitly ordered another guy to take the rap. New levels of stupidity.

GOOD: Piper's tirade. Did you hear the applause? Just awesome. I say no more. I haven't marked this much for a impassioned monologue since a certain Italian actor started with, "Oh, I'm just getting warmed up!" (First Vague reference...who said it?)

UH OH: The screwjob ending being used as an angle, with references to Russo as having scripted the original match in WWF. This is a car wreck waiting to happen. I don't know how they can write their way out of this one gracefully.

HOW CONVENIENT: Just as Tony is talking about Nash's concerns about last night's match, here comes Big Sexy. Yeah, yeah. 

BAD: Nash talking to the smarts. These insider angles are getting to be too much. How many of the people in the audience know what the hell he is talking about?

GOOD: Since I am a smart. I dig this stuff.

WHOAH! First Russo says "asshole," then Nash says "shit," "bullshit," "piece of shit," and "son of a bitch." If he says "fuck," I am going to mark my ass off.

BAD: What was the point of that interview? Is Nash challenging Hart? Why did he go out and swear all over the place? Tell me NOW!

MEAN, MAN: Hart stalking into the arena. You're a mean one, Mr. Hart. Three words describe you are as follows, and I quote, "stink, stank, stunk." (Christmas Vagueness)

BAD: The quick interview with Creative Control. These two guy are about as natural as polyester.

BAD: Tank Abbott versus Jerry Flynn. Why should I care? I hate both these guys.

GOOD: At least it isn't taking place in The Block.

GOOD: The match is over in short order. I don't care about the ending to this match, I am just glad it's over.

GOOD -N- STIFF: That sucker punch Abbott gave Flynn. Now that, I liked.

BAD: Goldberg drives a corvette? Come on. Just how lame are they going to make him? Whenever I see a man over 40 years old in one of those cars, I have the irresistible urge to shout, "Sorry about your penis!"

GOOD: At least it's not a monster truck, eh?

GOOD: The Revolution. 

BETTER: Is Shane almost ready to come back? He is out of the cast and into a brace.

BEST: Saturn on the stick. His weird analogies remind me of someone...

UGLY: Perry's coat. It looks like it was fabricated from old rusty Brillo pads.

GOOD: Duggan wiping tears on his way to the ring. Ha! I just love this old guy. He makes the coolest faces in the world.

INTERESTING: What's with Hacksaw's sparkly blue shoes? I bet if he clicks his heels together three times and says, "There's no place like home," he will return to the WWF.

GOOD: Duggan refuses to renounce the country. "I lied." Kind of cheap way out, but hey, it works for me. 

BAD: The Filthy Animals are patriotic? No.

INTERESTING: Duggan saved by Hispanic Americans. That's the melting pot in action.

GOOD: Duggan beaten and fallen, yet still holding the flag high.

BAD: During the backstage shot of Piper, we get a quick view of Kanyon trying to get into his dressing room. A second later, he is gone. Still dealing with minor production problems, eh Vince?

GOOD: Piper shooting on the shit he's done. Piper's Pit. Snuka and the Coconut. Cyndi Lauper. Mr. T. Memories...like the corners of your mind. 

BAD: His tirade kind of bounces in and out of kayfabe. It's really a confusing angle. He says that he does not want to be a part of the big "dog and pony show," but isn't that what he's doing in this interview? Sheesh.

BAD: Hart making the WWF screwjob into an angle. If it was that serious to him, if the whole "Wrestling with Shadows" thing meant something, he'd never allow this.

GOOD: Brett calls Russo a "piece of shit." We got profanity running wild!

GOOD FOR US, BAD FOR PPV RECAST: Rematches between Benoit/Jarrett and Hart/Goldberg.

BAD: Screaming Norman and Meng as partners? Why not just team up Tommy Dreamer and Bugs Bunny?

GOOD: Meng beating up Screamin' Norman.

BETTER: Norman screamin'.

BAD: This match. Sloppy. Missed spots. Just poorly presented.

GOOD: Brian Knobbs' new look. I am glad he finally got rid of that age old "Nasty Boys" shirt.

BAD: Norman ducks into the nearest bathroom to escape Knobbs and Finlay. When he does, he is out of their sight. How did they know to follow him in there?

UGLY: Norman hiding in a bathroom stall. I can do without that memory.

GOOD: Piper testing the bat before leaving his dressing room with it. "Nothing rubber here, baby." Heh. That's what she said.

SORRY: I couldn't resist.

GOOD: Crazy Piper loose with a baseball bat. That's what she said. (It works anywhere!)

SOMETHING TO TRY: You can spice up any fortune from a fortune cookie by adding the words "in bed" to the end of it. Try it. You know you want to.

BAD: The Maestro's entrance. Seems awfully elaborate for a jobber.

GOOD: He's fighting Kariagas! We might see some wrestling here.

BETTER: We do see some wrestling here! Good wrestling at that.

GOOD: Evan's new attitude concerning women, shoving Symphony away when she tried to interfere in the match.

BAD: Nope, scratch that. She screwed him.

GOOD: Piper smashing the PTB set. It's the ultimate shoot angle!

BAD: He can't break the TV screen. Should have gotten an aluminum bat.

GOOD: Evan beating up Chavo for trying to sell him the How to Pick up Chicks book. Maybe now, Chavo will wrestle again.

BAD: Kanyon. He's just a rip-off of the Godfather now. It's time for everybody to come aboard the Champagne Train!

BAD: I miss "Who's better than Kanyon?"

GOOD: The Triad in a triple threat match? I can like this...a lot.

BAD: Biggs sounds like a soprano Barry White at the commentary table.

GOOD: DDP Diamond cutting everyone.

BAD: Kanyon slicing his arm after nailing Bigelow with the champagne bottle. Dummy.

BAD: Tony, Mike, and Bobby talking about how they don't believe that Liz turned on Sting. Oh come on! She turns on everyone!

GOOD: Hall is there!

BAD: He's injured, which means he'll be out...again.

GOOD: Hall flicking his toothpick at one of the guys from Creative Control. Even injured, he entertains.

GOOD: Hall isn't injured? A swerve? Hmm....

UGLY: Luger in the Sting makeup.

GOOD: Liz with a new zip up shirt...white with a black scorpion on it.

GOOD: I like Jarrett. What really cracks me up is the ranting he does to the fans on the way to the ring. I love trying to figure out what he's saying.

GOOD: Here comes Benoit.

UGLY: That nasty cut on his nose. Yuck.

GOOD: Benoit's creative use of the chair.

NICE TOUCH: A gimmicked ladder.

BAD: The guitar shot. Benoit flinched about five seconds before the shot came. Oh, no. Not my boy, Benoit.

BAD: Jarrett winning the US Title Belt. God dammit.

BAD: This was a ladder match that barely used the ladder. How disappointing.

QUESTION: Didn't the Crippler win a title shot a couple of Nitros back? When does he get his shot?

BAD: Sid is underutilized. He is getting over as a face, so he should be packaged as a superface, not fighting guys like "The Wall."

BAD: Seems that Berlyn's only role these days is to screw with The Wall's matches. Good thing they hyped him so much.

GOOD: Big Sid chokeslam on The Wall! Wow!

BAD: The mafia boss giving Disco his ultimatums on camera. 

G-G-G-G-G-GOOOOOOD: Leia Meow! Kimona as a Cheerleader! I sense all my adolescent fantasies being fulfilled in one fell swoop.

BAD: Kimona's perfectly sexy and all, but if the Varsity Club needed a hot Asian cheerleader, why not choose Chae? She's been missing lately and I will not stand for it much longer.

BAD: Sullivan trying to keep a secret of the cheerleader's name from the announce team. It was in the chyron and said by the ring announcer. Duh.

BAD: No Midnight...yet.

GOOD: There she is. She's a tough chickadee.

BAD: Once again, she costs Harlem Heat the victory. Just break them up and get it over with.

WHAT: PG13? Uh..okay. New feud.

GOOD: David Flair's crazy chick beating on the Misfits. Something about a hot looking psycho Goth babe that really pumps my nads. (Spot the Vague Reference in there).

GOOD: Flair with his chick. I like what they have done with his eyes.

GOOD: Flair beating on David Penzer. About damned time someone did.

GOOD: Brain on Daphne and David: "It looks like the top of a wedding cake from hell."

BAD: David calls out Vampiro for putting his hands on Daphne. It was Jerry Only that actually touched her, wasn't he watching before the commercials?

BAD: The rubber crowbar. Didn't they learn their lesson from Duggan's foam 2x4?

COMMENT: You know, I can tolerate this angle as long as Ric Flair has something to say about it when he gets back. I actually look forward to the day he confronts his son, the raving lunatic.

GOOD: Buff is kind of over, isn't he? 

BAD: Nope, it's cheap face heat. "I love Baltimore...yadda, yadda, yadda."

GOOD: The shoot/angle of Buff and Kimberly built on rumors of a scuffle between he and Page. If this was all worked (and it probably was) I commend both these guys for putting together something that I think could really be big.

FUNNY: Bagwell's facial expression when DDP's music hit.

GOOD: The attack by Page on Buff. Very stiff. If this is any indication of how nasty this feud will be, I promise, I'll tune in.

GOOD: You'd think that I'd get sick of Piper's continual tirades against the PTB, but I don't. Something about the way this guy delivers his lines just makes me want to listen.

NASTY: The cut on Goldberg's head. He really has got to stop headbutting the lockers before he goes to the ring.

GOOD: Goldberg and Hart put on a decent match.

BAD: Hart turning heel. See my Expansion column this week to see exactly why I think so.

BAD: I am going to go out on a limb here, but reforming the NWO? This is the third time in two years. Kind of digging at the bottom of the barrell for ideas, Vince.

GOOD: The NWO roster. Keep it small and talented.

I WONDER: Where will Hogan stand?

OVERALL: An okay show. Again, lots going on at once, which can easily confuse some of the less "intellectually gifted" viewers. To wit, the constant use of "smart angles" can also serve to alienate the general fan. The NWO reunion, which garnered a big pop initially, will likely burn out in short order unless something drastic happens (like Goldberg joins).

WWF RAW

GOOD: Stef looking all slutted out. The posse in tuxes behind them was a nice touch too.

GOOD: Test right off the bat.

BAD: With that headgear, Test looks like my ferret in a harness. (Natch, CyanIndigo)

GOOD: Road Dogg insulting the crowd. About time he started acting like a heel.

BAD: Is Road Dogg wearing red mascara? 

BAD: Test's nose brace does not seem to be helping at all. They are still "hurting" him. What's the point?

GOOD: The NAO did take the win. At least it's sensible booking.

BAD: Steffie's attempt to be "evil." 

QUESTION: Why does she hate Test so much anyway? Is there a reason for it?

GOOD: Booking Edge, Christian, and the Hardy's in a mixed up tag match. They found a way to make matches with these four guys interesting again.

GOOD: Angle versus Viscera. Interesting bout.

FUNNY: HHH jealous of Stephanie's "interest" in Kurt Angle.

GOOD: Terry looking like she's gonna burst out of that top. Yeeha!

GOOD: The Hardys/Edge/Christian match. A little "spotty," but a good match nonetheless.

BAD: If these four guys are so tired of having to fight each other, why don't they just walk out of the ring and get a double countout?

UGLY: Jeff's 450 somersault splash. Looks like he landed on his face. Ouch.

BAD: Did Matt lose a tooth? Ug.

BAD: Moolah and Mae Young back...again.

INTERESTING: Have you ever seen shots of Mae Young in her prime? She was quite a babe.

BAD: Look what wrestling does to you. No wonder these new women wrestlers would rather get naked than get in a headlock.

I AM AFRAID: Moolah and Mae Young versus The Dudleys and The Acolytes. I am afraid for the guys!

BAD: If Moolah and Mae don't want to fight, they don't have to, they are retired. In fact, they retired in Providence, RI at a show I attended! Just walk away!

BAD: Where the hell are Vince and Shane?

MY THEORY: I still say that Stef has infiltrated DX on behalf of her father. 

BAD: Stephanie trying to look evil in the entryway with HHH. It looks so forced.

GOOD: But she looks sexy in that little Santa hat. 

BAD: JR getting called into the ring by HHH and Stephanie, and him actually doing it. The last time he got in the ring, his arm was broken.

WHEN'S THE OTHER SHOE GONNA DROP? He's in the ring for a reason. When are they going to hurt him?

OKAY: There he goes. Wow! Jim fell right on his ass! Bumbles bounce! (There's another Vague Reference.)

GOOD: Ross trying to stifle laughter when Stef gets in his face.

GOOD: Hopefully this time, Mankind can prevent Ross from getting his arm broken.

GOOD: Mick's "ho, ho, ho" line. If you didn't see it, read CRZ's recap if you want a transcription. Suffice to say, I laughed quite a bit.

GOOD: Mankind in a boiler room match against ??? Please let it be Al Snow.

BAD: Sign "Kurt Angle Sucks." This is the 90's, can't you be more creative?

WORSE: It was probably the most creative Angle sign in the arena that night. They used it for a close-up.

INTERESTING: Stephanie has a soft spot for Angle? What's that about?

BAD: Something occurred to me. If Viscera wanted to win every match, why doesn't he just sit on his opponents? He should be world champion.

WOW: Angle with the fireman's carry slam on Viscera! Holy Mother of God! 

BAD: My brother-in-law when he saw Moolah and Mae Young warming up: "I'm sick of Patterson, Brisco, and these two old bags." I concur. 

BAD: If Moolah and Mae Young come away with some sort of win in this match, may God have mercy on us all.

GOOD: The Dudleys beating up Moolah and Mae Young. It looked kind of nasty, but hey, whatever gets you heat, right?

GOOD: Is it me or are the Acolytes really, really over?

BAD: Mae taking the crotch dive from D-Von. Forget what I said earlier. That was about the most disturbing thing that I have ever seen.

BAD: Mark Henry is still Mae Young's man? Jesus. Now I know I'm gonna be sick. When they kissed it looked like two carp in the Mississippi going after the same piece of fish. (Vague Reference...this is a tough one.)

GOOD: Is it me or does Sigourney Weaver look HOT in that new Galaxy Quest movie?

GOOD: Mankind's interview about having to fight Santa. Ha! 

GOOD: Mankind on his attack before the match: "Did I get my ass kicked by the Mean Street Posse?"

GOOD: Mankind and Santa having a conversation. If anyone can pull this shit off, it's Mick.

SEE THE PATTERN? The last three "GOODs" all started with the name "Mankind." I am going to miss him when he retires.

FUNNY AS HELL: My brother-in-law on the phone with his friend: "Mankind's getting beat up by, like, five Santa's." Ha!

BAD: I guess you had to be there.

GOOD: I like the idea of the Mean Street Posse as a bunch of "yes" men. Every time HHH tells them to shut up, I mark Benoit will save us all just a little bit.

GOOD: The Ho's in Santa hats! More hot sexiness. (Are you taking notes, Cyan?)

WHY ISN'T THERE...an eggnog match for the Women's Title tonight?

GOOD: Jericho is too cool. He's Canadian. Edge is Canadian. Benoit is Canadian. I love everything Canadian. Where's my back bacon? Five golden tuches? (Not-so-Vague Reference)

BAD: No mic time for Jericho?! Awww!

GOOD: Jericho's missile dropkick from the turnbuckle to the Godfather on the apron. I can never get tired of that move.

GOOD: Chyna is looking hot. She gets more sexy every time she comes out there.

BAD: I never thought I'd say that.

BAD: Why did the Ho's distract the referee allowing Chyna to rack the Godfather? What the hell was that about?

GOOD: BB. Holy God. She can ring a doorbell from across the street without using her hands.

BAD: I thought she was an EMT? Why is she in a black minidress?

QUESTION: Holiday Top Rope Topless Match? Why would they book a match that they cannot deliver the goods? You know we are not going to see a naked breast tonight, so why book this match?

ANSWER: I ain't changing the channel. Are you? 

DISCLAIMER: Women do not need to answer that.

IDEA: Substitute Lillian Garcia for Terri and I'd be into this match even more.

I BET YOU'RE WONDERING...why I have yet to make a CyanIndigo reference. Well, I just did.

BAD: It's matches like this that make me wish this show was televised on HBO.

GOOD: HHH: "Shoes are not considered clothing."

BAD: Why is Terri so modest? She spends most of her time out there barely wearing anything.

GOOD: Terri in red. How I love red.

BAD: The effect this match has on me. I am such a lech.

YEAH RIGHT: If BB shows a bare breast, I will eat my laptop.

GOOD: How to be a heel 101. HHH hiding BB's breasts and insulting the crowd! Ha!

GREAT: When Rocky set up Al Snow last week on Smackdown. The lead up was kind of lame, but who didn't get a little psyched when they saw The Rock walked out of that dressing room with a chair?

GOOD: Al Snow finally has new music. Now where are those new tights?

UGLY: The clothesline Rocky delivered to Snow outside the ring. Wow. That looked stiff.

DANGEROUS: All those top rope leaps with the rope around the Rock's neck. One false move and we got a broken neck.

GOOD: My friend Scott is very upset right now, but having The Rock lose is about the best way this match could end. Rocky has destroyed Snow throughout this feud. He had to get a win sooner or later.

GOOD: I like HHH's threat to the Mean Street Posse. "If you ever drop water on me again, you'll get the Acolytes every week for a year." Didja hear the crowd pop?

QUESTION: We've seen the Rock, Mankind, and the NAO. What's the main event?

ANSWER: There it is, Kane and The Big Show.

BAD: Now, these nutso stipulations are starting to get on my nerves. Tori has to spend the holidays with X-Pac if Kane loses? Oy.

BAD: Why is it the "Worm" chop that Scotty "Too Hotty" delivers is so devastating? Just because he wiggles up to the guy? It must be the same reason that the People's Elbow is a finishing move.

GOOD: The WCW did something that I never thought they'd be able to do. The got Fatu over.

UGLY: Hayes on Fatu's derriere: "Look at the dimple on that ass!" Thanks, you made me fucking look.

INTERESTING: My digital cable system's info box on this hour of RAW says, "Vince McMahon tries to stop Stephanie and HHH." Hmm.

BAD: Lillian Garcia calling Kane the "opponent and challenger." So is The Big Show the "champion and bigger guy"?

GOOD: I like The Big Show's new pyro, but he needs more mic time and a good angle to himself over.

COMMENT: Kane and the Big Show. You'd think that these two would put on a lousy match. It really wasn't bad...not at all.

BAD: Did JR call Kane the "Big Red Show?"

BAD FOR TORI: No DQ and no countout.

GOOD: Kane nearly got The Big Show up in the tombstone!

WORSE FOR TORI: Kane loses.

BAD: Looks like the heels win again tonight.

OVERALL: Not as good a show as the last couple of weeks, but not bad overall. HHH continues to heel out fully and that's a good thing. I think we are kind of sick of the bad guys running the show, though. I hope that over the next week or so, we get to see the faces win one of the battles.

Well, that's it for this week's edition. It may have been a little flat, I don't know. Suffice to say that I am operating on about 2 hours of sleep in the last two days.

Don't ask, just don't.

Again, hope your holidays are jolly and all that jazz. Be good to each other....party on dudes! (Snuck a Vague Reference in the closer!)

Drop me a line and tell me what you think of this magnum opus. My address is Michaelangelo70@hotmail.com these days. Al letters will be answered or ridiculed with their pants down.

I am Michaelangelo and will be for a while.