Hey all you crazy kids. It's the Internet Renaissance man, Michaelangelo here to fill your afternoon with the kooky nuttiness that only my lame-ass columns can bring to your life.

Yeah, yeah, we've heard that all before.

Just a quick note to all my readers, happy holidays to each and every one of you. Whatever you choose to celebrate, and if you don't celebrate, I wish you the best.

And I hope you're all alive on January 1.

So, what's new in my life? Well, I finally found a copy of Mankind's book and read the first three chapters. Believe me, my friends, every person who has said that this is a great read is absolutely correct! I am totally engrossed in this book, it inspires me to get back to work on that long lost screenplay I never finished. (Although, I may need the partnership of a certain Internet Goddess to actually get my ass totally in gear on that one).

Anyway, get the book and read it, you will not regret it.

Okay, without further ado, let's get to the meat of the matter here.

It's My Column and I'll Rant if I Want To

Let's start with Starrcade. Words cannot express how totally pissed off I am about the booking of this pile of dogshit. In fact, I don't think I will rant about anything else this week.

Let's take a look at what happened, shall we?

The Paizanos beat Lash and Disco. Then they cart Disco off in a body bag. Of course, this is how the mob operates. They have two goombas go on national television and beat up a couple of stiffs in a ring before a live audience. Then they shove the guy who owes them money into a body bag and have a camera film them actually throw him into a car and drive off. Stupid shit.

Madusa captured the cruiserweight title in a match that I heard was much akin to a Mutual of Omaha Wild Kingdom episode. Oh, yeah, there was a worthless Spice heel turn in there too. What happened to her feud with Tygress and Skye?

Norman Smiley beat Meng. Uh, okay. Sure. Whatever.

We bring back the Varsity Club only to have them turn on Duggan. What the hell is that about? The one redeeming element of this match is the presence of Kimona Wanalaya dressed as a cheerleader. Yowza. I swear I will fall in love with the next girl who agrees to wear an outfit like that for me. It's an adolescent fantasy, but it's all mine.

They decide to break up Harlem Heat again. What the hell? There are NO TAG TEAMS in WCW, so Russo decided to split up the only half-decent one left.

Jarrett beats Dustin with a (wait for it) guitar shot! That's new!

Sting and Luger, who could have given us a four-star match with little effort , suffers from "screwjob-itis" as Liz predictably turns against Sting. It must be something about that face paint, Stinger. You can't trust anyone! They all fuck you over.

David Flair in Starrcade. Note to Russo, the presence of just any Flair is not going to help. It's Ric or nobody.

Sid, a guy they could really push to the moon, gets screwed again. I think what bugged me the most about the way this was booked was the fact that the referees in WCW have been extremely vigilant, reversing decisions based on the replay. Somehow, this ref decided that Nash won a powerbomb match without actually seeing a powerbomb? Fuck you, Russo.

In a moment of goodness and justice, Benoit wins the ladder match and retains the US Title. This was the only match that just about everyone thought was worth the time allotted to it. Truth be told, I will get a hold of the tape of this PPV just to watch this one match.

Now, the final match. They have been hyping Goldberg versus Hart for weeks. Let me give Russo a little rule that he should already be following: When you come to your cornerstone wrestling extravaganza, you deliver a clean finish at the main event! You don't give us some half-assed attempt to turn a two year-old "real" screwjob into a new angle. I can think of no good reason for the way this match ended. All it serves to do is make Hart "no better" than Vince McMahon by mimicking what happened to him his last night in the WWF.

Plus, Turning Hart heel is a bad idea. First of all, he has turned so many times in the last year, his heat is all but gone.

Secondly, what does that leave you with for faces in WCW? 

Goldberg? Yeah, okay. That's a gimme.
Sting? Constantly misused. 
Sid? He loses at every PPV. 
Benoit? May never get out of the upper midcard. 
Rhodes? Yeah, right. 

I fail to see why WCW thinks it needs more heels. They have Hall and Nash, Jarrett, the Revolution, and all of the PTB and their little stable. Besides the fact that they are sitting on the greatest bad guy in the history of wrestling, Ric Flair.

I really have nothing else to say about this whole travesty. The ratings are not going to get any better when they charge fans $30 for this drivel. Tell you what, though. I will get a copy of the event on videotape. I will watch it beginning to end. If any of my opinions change, I will let you know.

Ugh. Now my mood is just dark. Time to move onto

Letters

Last week's Question of the Week was:

When, where, and what was the first match you remember watching (televised or live)?

Quite a few responses to this one. That's the way uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it.

From: Toady203 
Subject: Question

First off, good column.

First match I saw on TV (that I remember) was 'Ravishing' Rick Rude vs. Jake 'The Snake' Roberts. It was during the whole Rick screwed Cheryl angle, or was that shoot, and Rude was wearing pants that had Robert's wife on them, so Roberts pulled them off of Rude leaving him stark naked. Almost turned me off wrestling forever.

First live event was a TV taping for Superstars and the old Prime Time Wrestling. I was still an out and out mark at the time, I sometimes still am, and the Warrior opened the show with a 15 second win over Andre the Giant. Seemed cool at the time. After the show I got to meet the Giant. Completely changed my perspective on the whole industry. He was a cool guy. I don't think I ever booed him again.

Oh well, enough rambling, keep up the good work.

Mark,
Although not always

Andre the Giant was one of my favorite wrestlers of all time. How it breaks my heart to see him getting pelted with drink cups on his way into and out of the ring at Wrestlemania 3. Hogan better be damned grateful for what the big guy did for him that night.

From: Bethebunny
Subject: Nudies of Estelle Getty? 

Who you teasin', bro, POST 'EM ALREADY!

As for your question, the first television match I remember was Ted DiBiase v. Dirty Dick Murdoch on UWF. The story was that Iron Mike DiBiase got killed by a brainbuster on the concrete from Dirty Dick, and when Murdoch put DiBiase in the same move, it scared the shit out of me. I thought DiBiase was dead.

The first live match that I clearly remember seeing was Humongous (Sid) w/Jake Roberts v. Kamala w/(? I think it was The Iron Shiek) in a match where each man was tied up by the tag rope, and his opponents "second" had to untie the wreslters! Have you ever seen a match like that? I haven't seen one before or since! Anyways, Shiek didn't wan't to untie Humongous, so Jake took his time untying Kamala, until Humongous grabbed Shiek by the collar and Shiek untied him, after which Humongous destroyed Kamala in about 2 minutes. The match was a LOT more exciting to watch than it was to describe, I promise.

The coolest part of this match was that after it ended, Jake and Humongous walked down the aisle, and as me and my dad were leaving, we walked right by them, and Jake gave me five! I think his drinking problems started soon after he met me, but it's coincidence, I swear.

How's that for a letter? Take car. Or, if you don't wanna take "car", take care.

Well, I'd show you all the photos, but frankly, they sicken me. Better left unseen. Trust me.

From: "KBS" 
Subject: E-mail #2 Question of the week 

Jesus, I've sent you two e-mails in the span of about ten minutes. People are going to start to talk.

Anyway - Although I remember watching wrestling before this, the first actual match that I remember was Bret Hart asking Stu Hart to team up with him against JR Foley (No relation to Mick. I don't think) and some other geek. Stu was a hundred then (I believe he is 216 years old currently) and layed into the boys with a barrage of really old guy punches. This may have also been the first time I saw large breasts as Stu had removed his shirt.

Craig Letawsky
KBS Radio,
Creston, BC.,
Canada

Oh, thank you  for that image. I need to think about CyanIndigo now just to get my mojo working again.

From: "Mr. James Cudmore" 
Subject: Expansion Column Question 

Dear Michaelangelo,

The first match I ever saw was a 2/3 fall six-man tag at Royal Rumble 89. It was Hacksaw Jim Duggan & Hart Foundation Vs. Rougeau Brothers & Dino Bravo. Cool match.

"Le Bomb Des Rougeaus" (sp?) won the first fall for the heels, but the faces won the next two thanks to a Neidhart powerslam (I think...) and Duggan's 2x4 (Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!). Like I said, a really cool match.

Looking back, that match showed me that the Hitman could take a beating, and that Frenchie Martin was the coolest heel manager ever. Anybody else remember Frenchie Martin?

Later,
Matt Cudmore

Dino Bravo...there's a name I haven't heard in a while. Now there was a good heel.

From: "Chuck the Bear" 
Subject: expansion 

To answer your question of the week, the first match I remember seeing was Hogan / Shiek at MSG, and then I have a big mental lapse up until Hogan / Bundy at WM2, then again until WM3, and then Brutus Beefcake being cut up by Ron Bass. After that, my wrestling memory is pretty much intact. 

And as a side note, Monte Python and Planet of the Apes are hardly obscure, but still more obscure than Soap. I'm not quite sure what CRZ was thinking there. Wierdo. 

Chuck Carlin 
[slash] 

Damn you CRZ, you foiled me this time, but I'll be back!

From: "Guerrilla Radio" 
Subject: First match ever... 

Adam Bomb vs. IRS, flipping through the channels about a week after Survivor Series '94, from what I could understand. And so, it started. 

-EverLit 

That has to have been the great "Battle of the Last Remaining Bad Gimmicks" of 1994. Wasn't Skinner versus the Repo Man on that card too?

From: "David Roy"
Subject: First Match 

I can't say for certain which match I did first see, but the first one that I remember (from TV) is actually a series of matches: the feud for the WWF tag team titles by the Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff v. Mike Rotundo & Barry Windham. I can't even remember the year (84? 85?), but I distinctly recall being swept up (despite being Canadian) into the jingoistic emotions of the USA vs. Iran & Soviet Union. 

As an 8 or 9 year-old, the lines were clear and there were no doubts: you booed Volkoff singing the anthem, you knew you wanted Rotundo & Windham to win, and you were frustrated when that Camel Clutch was applied by the Sheik. 

I was about as easy a mark as you could get as a child - cheered the faces, booed the heels; Star Wars parallel - loved Luke Skywalker and the Rebellion, hated Darth Vader and the Empire. Just like I was supposed to. 

My wrestling markdom gradually changed, mostly as I watched Bret Hart go through the heel (original Hart Foundation) to face (singles glory as IC and then WWF Champ) to heel (anti-USA) turns in the late 80's and early 90's. 

Now I root for the guys I like, be damned the Fed for telling me who I should like. So now, it's The Rock (Rocky Maivia) even when he was a heel, and pretty much any Canadian in either Fed (but especially Jericho). 

DR 

(I have sympathies for the 'heelish' but cool Empire now, but I'm afraid that Biggs' death in Star Wars always brings out the Rebel mark in me) 

That feud between Windham and Rotundo was one of the best in history. It built all the ay up to the final blowoff at the first Wrestlemania when Windham ate a cane shot from Fred Blassie to cost them the match. Great classic bout.

From: ELMOTRON
Subject: First Match 

My cousins invited me over a few years ago to watch Hogan and Vader fight in a steel cage at Bash at the Beach. I don't remember the undercard, but to me back then this match was the "shiznit". Thus began my obsession with wrestling. Sure, I saw a few before then, but none of which are memorable for me (forgot who wrassled in 'em).

The MASKED Computer Geek

A Hogan match was your first experience? Oh, I am so sorry.

From: Depetro 
Subject: Answer 

I don't remember.

Chris

At least you're honest.

From: Kevin Nishimine
Subject: Three-Peat? 

In regards to your Expansion Column question, I think my first real wrestling memory was watching Hogan beat the Iron Sheik for his first WWF title on TV, but back then, I was more into roller derby. At one of my first live matches, at the LA Sports Arena, I remember seeing Davey Boy Smith and the Dynamite Kid at about the time of their WWF debut as the British Bulldogs, nobody knew who they were, but by the end of their match, everyone was marking out. They really kicked ass back then.

On to the Vague References. I really don't want to monopolize the crown, and if I am King once again, I will retire gracefully, as long as I am guaranteed a place in your Hall of Fame (or Shame, as it were).

"You are all individuals!" "I'm not." Wasn't that from Life of Brian? I'm a big Monty Python mark, but that was not one of my favorites.

"Will Jessica ever come out of her coma? Will Burt escape from the alien ship? Will Chester escape from jail?" CRZ said this was from Soap, which is a good thing because I didn't know it.

"Get out of my mind you damn dirty ape!" Actually, it was "Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!" Planet o' the Apes. Charleton Heston ruled in this movie.

"The circle is complete!" Vader (Darth, not Big Van) said this to Obi Wan in Star Wars.

That was a pretty cool live report you did last week; I haven't been to a card in years and it made remember how much fun they were (my wife and friends refuse to go with me, even though I tell 'em it's like hockey, you have to see it live first to appreciate it).

I'm out,

-Kevin

Sorry, Kev. You did correctly identify all four references, but got your letter in after someone had already claimed the crown. You had your day in the sun. Settle for being the White Knight of Vague References for this week, Sir Kevin.

From: Shot2Hell
Subject: First Match 

Nice column you've got running here. Just got pointed recently, and this looks like some good $#!+ that you're writing. On to the question.

The first match I ever watched was televised (okay, taped). I don't remember the event or anything (I was still in grade school), but the billing was a match made in heaven (Randy Savage/Miss Elizabeth) and a match made in hell (Hogan and the Ultimate Warrior, I think). Wrestlemania... something. Damn, I'm senile.

Hogan/Warrior? I think that was Wrestlemania 6, 1990 was the year. Now that was one of the few matches for either of these two guys that was worth anything at all. The crowd was hot for this one. Go back and watch it on video sometime.

As for my first match, it was the late 70's. I was a mere tyke watching wrestling on Saturday morning for the first time with dear old Dad (a staunch Bruno Sammartino fan). The match was Andre the Giant, Ivan Putski, and Dusty Rhodes versus The Wild Samoans, Afa, Sika, and Samula. The faces won when, following the craziest pier six brawl to date, Andre stacked the three big men and went for the giant "sit". 1-2-3. I marked my hairless little ass off and knew that I would be a wrestling fan for the rest of my life. 

God, help me.

That was it for last week's question. If you want to answer this week's question, you'll just have to scroll to the bottom. On your way, why not read some of the other letters I got this week? You will see some unsuccessful attempts to become King or Queen of Vague References, at least and maybe the secret of life, at most. Want to know what all the hubub is all about and who will wear the crown this week? Check out my other column, "The Good, Bad, and Ugly" which is forthcoming.

From: XvSexyBoyvX
Subject: The heel I hate the most... 

Let's see...

The heel I hate the most. Well, I hate Lex Luger, but not because he plays a good heel, but because his matches cause me to go into a coma.

Other than that...I don't really find much reason to hate a guy, if he's a talented performer. Such as HHH. WWF's top heel at the moment, and one of my favorites. I love the Outsiders, and Jarrett is even starting to grow on me.

I don't like the BossMan...because he just sucks. I'm still a huge DX fan. Val Venis is still one of the coolest guys around. Jericho is absolutely the most talented up and coming star in the WWF.

Hell...the guys I hate most were the most popular. I HATE Stone Cold. I HATE Goldberg. And I detest Chyna, who should be out of the IC picture now. Frankly, I'm sick of seeing Jericho vs. Chyna. When she doesn't even deserve to lace his boots.

I guess I would say that I hate...well...anyway.

As far as your vague reference...I'm gonna guess some kinda baby-powder commercial. Makes sense, right?

Peace.

This letter got to me a bit late. The vague reference he is talking about was "Keep your powder and your pants dry." It actually came from the movie "Parenthood" when Steve Martin pretends to be a cowboy for his son's birthday. Thanks for guessing!

From: "Matt Plunk"
Subject: Answers 

1. The first is in reference to "Monty Python's Life of Brian" where Brian talks to his newfound followers and the irony of that particular scene. You should have put in "Yes, we are all individuals" though.

2. I didn't catch it at first, and it's DQ'd, but I'd just like to say Soap ruled. They had a skit on the Daily Show, where they did "Serbs" and had pictures of the Kosovo stuff, with the Soap themesong over it. I busted a gut.

Hey, the Outsiders edge variant is called a Black Tiger Bomb, and it's Eddy Guerrero's finisher in Japan. Just thought you'd like to know.

3. Probably Planet of the Apes, but I don't know which one. 

4, Is it from Enter the Dragon? You know "The student has become the master" kidna stuff.

What's up with the "All Hail Benoit" a homage to Taz's symbol ? Or should I say Tazz? Lousy copyrights.

Read the whole column, and you'll get the Benoit references. You were close this week, three of four. I guess that makes you the Magistrate of Vague Benoit for President References for this week.

From: "Wes Vansandt" 
Subject: Good, Bad, and Ugly 

"BAD: How many times has Shane turned on his father? What right does he have to accuse Stephanie? Jeez, one thing about the wrestling business, it's important to have a really short-term memory. What? 30 days?"

Shane has NEVER turned on his father. Twice, it seemed that they were on opposite sides (pre Survivor Series '98, and last May, before Vince became the higher power) Shane has always been on the same side of the fence as his father, so he can chastise Steph for turning on him, although her reasoning is completely logical, as she has a reason to be pissed at Vince.

"GOOD: The Taz symbol is back

BAD: When the hell is he going to debut?"

After New Year's, he is under a verbal agreement to ECW until then 

At first, I thought Steph was trying to break DX up too, but a minute or two into the match, it dawned on me what was going on. I was kind of upset I didn't get it sooner.

Vague references:

The circle is complete- Lion King?

Get out of my mind you damn dirty ape- Paraphrase of Heston in "Planet of the apes"

That's all I can get.

Hmm, I could have sworn Shane-o-Mac turned on his pops. I guess that must have been me. Yep, it was. I remember the time I hit my dad with a steel chair at Easter. That started my famous Spring Heel Turn back in '97.

From: Bethebunny
Subject: Look... 

..I hope I'm not being a nuisance by sending you a seperate email for each column, but, um..I did.

The thing is, I think since I've been giving you good feedback since column 1, you should really name me the king for a week.

Still not convinced? Okay, I get the vauge reference that you didn't tell us was a vauge reference (or if you did, I must have blocked it out). The Benoit subliminal messages was a spoof on Kevin Nealon's "Subliminal Man" character on SNL, right?

I wear a size 7 crown.

Let it never be said that I don't help out my fans. Consider yourself the Sergeant-At-Arms of The Good, Bad , and Ugly. Howz that? Kick some ass, Bunnyman!

From: Jonas Bush 
Subject: Column 

Well, the first vague reference is Monty Python - "Life of Brian", the last one is Star Wars, duh. I don't remember the damn dirty ape one, it sounds familiar, and CRZ disqualified one of yours, sorry. :)

Otherwise, your column was great! But on Taz(z): Remember that the Millennium countdown for Y2J was up there for a LONG while, but I've heard that we could see Tazz by January, I think. It's all good. And your subliminal Benoit messages were great! Keep it up.

Arr...
Spicy Jack the Pirate
spicyjackpirate@yahoo.com

Check out my columns on Rantsylvania.com!
-OR-
http://www.users.uswest.net/~jdbush

At least we knew when the Millennium Countdown was going to end. What say they let us know when the Tazz-man will be arriving?

From: "KBS" 
Subject: Vague references 

Great column.

1) I believe that's Hugh the Borg.
2) As CRZ was so kind to point out - Soap.
3) Heston in Planet of the Apes or Homer in Simpson's rip off of Planet of the Apes.
4) Er..uhm..is that Skeletor from the Dolph Lungren movie "Masters of the Universe"? Courtney Cox was hot then in an eighties way. I don't know if this reference was from that movie or not but a cool line that is from the movie that may be useful as a future vague reference is 

"Ya, you and who's army." 
"Me....and my army!"

Me... and my army. HA ha ha. God, I loved that line when I was 15. It's funny..he he.. cause it's true..hee hee. Skeletor actually hand an ar...ah screw it never mind.

Craig Letawsky
KBS Radio,
Creston, BC.,
Canada

No, it wasn't a "Masters of the Universe Reference" but I did see that flick and if I were to make a vague reference from it, I'd have chosen, "No one takes potshots at Lubek!" I just love that line.

From: "Alex Beckers" 
Subject: Buff 

"GOOD: I just can't look at Buff without remembering that he played "Warrior" in two Andy Sidaris Molokai movies. I believe it was Return to Savage Beach where Buffanstuff had a hot love scene with Julie Strain. Anyone but me remember that one?"

OH... MY... GOD.

Those movies had a major impact on my high school life. Holy crap.

Alex

BROTHER!!!

From: "Philip N. Zeman" 
Subject: Vague References 

Michaelangelo,

Nice Column, yadda yadda yadda. You hear this stuff every week, I'm sure.

(Now watch you say that you don't and that you wish I would have said something. D'oh!)

Seriously, I enjoy your column each and every week. Nice recapping format; I like.

Here, I think are the answers to your Vague References:

1) Brian in "Life of Brian"
2) Soap. Okay, I cheated, since CRZ said it....
3) Charlton Heston in "Planet of the Apes"
4) Vader in "Star Wars"

There. How'd I do?

-Phil

SkyJammer Enterprises: It's Neato! -- http://www.skyjammer.com/

You got them all correct, but were not the first to do so. However, for your efforts, I bequeath the title of Lord of Vague References for the week.

From: Hot4bytch 
Subject: GBU 

Your GBU rules!!!!! It's the only column I read at CRZ.net. I almost fall out of my chair when u put in the subliminal messages for Benoit. You are a little to postive. Maybe U should do good,bad,ugly,and ok. I thought wcw sux raw eggs. U had way too many goods for Nitro. I was hoping for a bigger fall out between Vince and HHH/Shep so I didn't like raw that much this week.

Read my rant this week and tell me if I am being too positive in regards to WCW. 

Thanks for writing!

To see who will be crowned the King of Vague references this week, tune into "The Good, Bad, and Ugly" which should be up directly.

Question of the Week

This week's question should get your creative juices flowing. It's kind of a lark, but give it a whirl anyway. What's the harm?

If you were given the job of repackaging Ed Leslie as a wrestler in the WWF, what gimmick or angle would you give him?

For those who don't know, Ed was Brutus Beefcake, Zodiac, the Man Without a Face, and the Disciple. Now he's pretty much nonexistent. 

Bet you didn't see that one coming! Send your answers to michaelangelo70@hotmail.com RIGHT NOW! Do it, or are ya' chicken?

That's it for this week. See you in the G,B,&U later on.

I am Michaelangelo and will be for a while.