Yo, [slash] Wrestling fans. Michaelangelo here to bring you this week's edition of The Expansion Column. I must say, I have been getting more positive response to this little pile of mush than I thought I ever would. Thanks for reading and thanks, too, for writing.

Let me start out by commenting on some of the things that have been happening this week around the feds and on the Internet.

It's my Column and I'll Rant if I Want To

As you all know, I saw the last RAW show live. When I reported on the event, I postulated that the red light and eerie music that interrupted both Blackman and Jacqueline's ring entrances was the return of the Undertaker. Apparently, there was a new symbol broadcast on the Titantron at the same time. Since my seats were almost behind the old big screen, I could not see the symbol. 

So, basically, my theory was wrong. It is probably hearkening the arrival of Taz. Eh. Mistakes were made, blood was spilled, let's just move on.

But I still think my idea was cooler.

Since I did not publish the critically acclaimed and highly underrated Good, Bad, and Ugly this week, I am going to take this opportunity to rant a bit about the WCW Nitro show that was aired this past Monday.

First of all, I was all for the Oklahoma  skit. I was one of the few Internet columnist who didn't have something bad to say about it...until now. Putting Ed Ferrara in the ring, mic'd or not, was just about the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen. Besides, the WWF did it years ago when they threw a microphone on Bobby Heenan and he wound up getting pulverized by whatever face wrestler was fighting the Brain's bad guy at the time (Anyone else remember this one? Write me if you do.) It was funny then, but watching that stupid little hobbit actually getting a pinfall on Vampiro was just about the worst thing I have ever seen. I might have accepted it if they hit Vampiro in the head with a pipe or chair and knocked him cold, but if you watch the match, Vampiro is actually struggling to escape from Oklahoma's pin! 

"Hey Vince, I'd like to put myself over at the expense of a talented wrestler like Vampiro!"

"Okay, Ed, as long as it makes fun of WWF!"

Russo and company should be ashamed of themselves. I am officially against anything having to do with Ferrara and Oklahoma from here on in. You lost your one supporter, way to go.

Another thing I am tired of seeing in WCW is ref bumps. Does it have to happen in every match? Jesus, it's as common as a bodyslam these days. 

Is it me or is Jeff Jarrett really getting over as a heel? I always liked the guy and thought he had more potential than WWF gave him credit for. He has proven that he doesn't need a hot valet by his side to get a crowd reaction. I just wish they'd explain where he gets all his guitars.

The Screaming Norman Smiley gag is getting very old. Having him fight Rhonda Sing was just horrible. The WCW still has not seemed to understand that a hardcore match can only be good if it is done in a creative manner. I mean guys like Snow, Foley, Road Dogg, Holly, and Bossman raised the bar on these sort of matches in the mainstream a long time ago...and don't even mention the ECW! Bringing out a bunch of flimsy props to fight with is just boring. Remember when Snow and Road Dogg fought until Snow got piledriven through a bunch of frozen wooden pallets? Remember when Snow and Holly went into a river in the dead of winter? Remember when Mankind pinned the Rock with a forklift? Now that's hardcore! Get with the program, WCW!

 Jushin "Thunder" Liger versus Psychosis? Give them about five to seven more minutes and I'll be happy.

The antics of the two Italians are getting a little more funny each week, however, someone ought to tell Tony Marinara that his overacting is not appreciated.

I love the fact that the Sharpshooter and other submission finishers actually finish the job against all wrestlers, including uppercard workers. For the longest time, once Bret spun that leg around, someone would power his way to the ropes or another guy would level the Hitman with a foreign object. Now, the ultimate test, have Goldberg tap out to it at Starrcade and I will hail the WCW booking staff. 

Piper's match against Creative control was the best thing I've seen Piper do in about two years. He was on his game totally. I loved it when he refused to release Gerald (or is it Pat?) from the arm bar, even when he was getting beat down by both men. That's the Rowdy Scott I remember from the 70's and 80's. He was like a pitbull, once he grabbed you, he refused to let go. If he retired now, I'd remember him very fondly. 

Shane? Well, gotta give the guy credit. Who thought he'd last this long in the business?

Nash did not pin Benoit. You can tell Big Sexy no longer writes the book.

Fuck Jerry Flynn.

Finally, Sting wins a match. Sure, Liz helped him with a can of mace, but hey, this is the Russo era now! A win's a win, right? Hey, did Sting actually win the US Title? 

Now on to other matters. I read Gene Moore's column this week. They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. All I can say is that Gene was not the first to "borrow" my column's style, but he was the first to credit me for having developed it, so I can let him live.

For now.

Another thing I noticed was that I am still seeing complaints lodged here and there about CyanIndigo and I making constant references to each other in our columns. In reading around, I have come to realize that somehow I have undergone a heel turn as a result! 

Imagine my surprise.

Well, in the spirit of good wrestling angles, I suppose I should hit someone with a chair to complete the turn.

Eh, I'm too damn lazy for that shit. I guess I'll just keep talking about her. Perhaps I'll start including comments about other female reports here on [slash] Wrestling. What do you think? Sharon? Heather? Bitchfactor? Rebecca?

Yeah, I wish.

Besides, I'd hate for CyanIndigo to spin kick me in the neck. She can, you know.

Anyway, it's time to move on. Let's look at some:

Letters

Last week, I posed the question: 

What wrestling event in the past caused you to mark out the most you ever have in your life?

I got quite a few responses to this one. I am also including all the guesses at last week's Vague References and if you just want to see who won the crown this week, scroll to the bottom of the section.

From: MaximMan25
Subject: Wrestling event 

I'm not a huge WCW fan but I think watching Ric Flair call the whole WCW out on the NWO was pretty cool....but...as a kid....Hogan body slamming Andre The Giant was hugge.

From: "Hoya Killah" 
Subject: Question of the Week 

"What wrestling event caused you to mark out more than any other time in your life?" 

Hmm... first of all, good question. Upon reflection, I think my answer has to be (and I don't know if CRZ would agree or not) Ric Flair's return in Greenville, SC. Yeah, I'm a Flair mark. Sue me. The reformation of the Four Horsemen that night was perfect. As was, in my own damn opinion, Eric Bischoff's entrance. Never have I hated anyone in wrestling more than I did Eric Bischoff at that one moment. I marked out for that entire program. My second moment was at the end of it, during the big Ric Flair-Eric Bischoff war for control of WCW. Remember when all the nWo-ites were running out, and getting stopped, desperately, by the Horsemen et al? I was screaming at my TV at that point. Then, when the Mach came out? Damn. When he took out the Giant, and allowed Ric Flair to get the win, that, in my opinion, was the essence of sports entertainment. Not this wedding crap. Not drunken old women in mud. Wrestling, with MAJOR subplots. 

There's my two cents. 

Will "Hoyakillah" Schlickenmaier 

And here's your change.

From: Bethebunny
Subject: Biggest markout moment... 

My biggest mark out moment was when Goldberg Jackhammered The Giant (Boy that's a lot of capital letters!) on Nitro, and took about three steps with that big mofo!

My biggest "promo" mark out was either Bret's Canadian Challenge to Goldberg (! CAPS!) or Ric Flair's Return.

You said for you it was easy? What?

And, I didn't get the first God-Damned Vauge Reference, and I don't care. If that's not good enough to be named The King, what is? Take care.

From: JnyAce13
Subject: the expansion column 

"What wrestling event in the past caused you to mark out the most you ever have in your life?"

When Mick Foley won the WWF world wrestling title for the first time. It doesn't matter that i knew about it ahead of time thanks to wwf.com. When that ref made the three count i marked out like a ten year old does for the big boot and legdrop combo. Owen's "retirement speech" got me all worked up too, but thats a distant second.

yep,
josh

From: Gene Moore 
Subject: RE: Good column 

Hi,

Your letter convinced me to go back and read your column again and, yep, you're right, we do make a lot of the same points. BTW, my answer to the question of the week is Chris Jericho's debut on RAW. Even though I knew itwas coming, even though we all figured he would have something to do with the countdown, somehow the intensity of the moment just got to me. What's really interesting about it is that I wasn't around on Monday night, so I was watching it on tape the next day, AFTER reading CRZ's report, and I STILL marked out huge. Needless to say, that event was tops in my r.s.p-w voting.

Gene

From: XvSexyBoyvX
Subject: Vague References... 

For the question on Your Expansion Column...the time I marked out the most? I would say either the Iron Man match at Wrestlemania XIII when Shawn Micheals beat Bret Hart for the World Title, or when Sting beat Hogan at Starrcade with the assist from Bre Hart. It's a toss up between the two.

"Sleep well, my friend, and dream of large women." was from the Princess Bride. Carrie Elwis said that to Andre the Giant, God rest his soul, after
he put him out with a sleeper hold.

"Two men enter, one man leaves." Umm...maybe from Liar Liar...when Jim Carrey  was talking about Rick Rude and the Macho Man Randy Savage in the steel cage of death.

"That's a spicy meatball!" was on an old commercial, then used in the Mask starring Jim Carrey...when he eats that time bomb at the end.

"Who's about to take your head off?" Ok...I know this one...damn. It's on the tip of my tongue...hmmm...oh well.

I sent in a little something. But I rushed it, and it didn't come out too well. I'm gonna write again when i got a little more time on my hands.
I think you may be right about Goldberg. He was out for a long time after that Outsider's Edge. I would really like to see Goldberg lose to Hart.

Yeah, though when Goldberg spits it's not a big loogy that stays suspended from his lips for a couple seconds before finally letting go. Besides, I
hate Goldberg.

Until next time.

Those were all the answers to the "markout" question. My all time markout moment was at Summerslam 1988. Let me frame this for you first. That evening, I attended the last part of the season. I was seeing off three of my closest friends who were leaving to attend college out of state. I was very depressed. My father had watched and taped the PPV for me and although I got home at 1 a.m., I decided to watch it. 

Now, I hated the Honky Tonk man (I used to call him the Dinky Donk Man). Somehow, this loser managed to hold the Intercontinental Title for 18 months by constantly running out of the ring when the going got tough. How I wished Rickey Steamboat would tear him limb from limb. Alas, it never happened. He ruled with a yellow belly months upon months.

Until he threw out an open challenge at Summerslam. I'll never forget it. The Ultimate Warrior was still a developing star. I liked him, as most people at the time did. I'd seen him at a house show a few months earlier when he was still "The Dingo Warrior." I thought the guy was cool. When they played his music, I immediately knew who it was. When he destroyed the HT Man in under 30 seconds and captured the title, I ran around my basement raising my arms and cheering silently (didn't want to wake the house). 

Needless to say, for just a few minutes, I was no longer depressed.

For next week, let me throw this Question of the Week at you: 

Which heel in wrestling today do you hate the most and why?

Mail all responses to Michaelangelo70@hotmail.com. Do it now!

Okay, some more mail. Let's continue.

From: "Andy Moseley"
Subject: Re: Now, now, let's be civil 

Hey Michaelangelo, 

Hope you didn't take any offense by my complaining about your whole thing with Cyan. I didn't mean any. It's kind of like Oklahoma, it kinda bugged me at first but now it's growing on me. Anyway, keep up the good work with G,B, and U. Thanks for reading and writing and feel free to do it again sometime! 

Andy 

I seldom take offense to anything. Don't sweat that. Getting negative e-mail is a sure way to know that you have "arrived" on the Internet. Thanks for insulting me!

From: "KBS" 
Subject: A couple notes 

Great work. You're column has quickly become one of my favorites. Reading through brings back my reactions to the show as I watched it.

Them there vague references are pretty damn vague, though. Guess that's the point.

Later,
Craig Letawsky
KBS Radio,
Creston, BC.,
Canada

Canadian Radio, eh? Hmmm. Got a 3 hours slot once a week for a live Good, Bad, and Ugly broadcast? I'm quite sure I could lock in a hot Canadian Internet Goddess who smells like Watermelon as a color commentator. I'd come to B.C., I am 1/8th Canadian, after all.

From: Cyan indigo
Subject: I'm ready for my Expansion slot, Mr. Angelo 

Well, hello Michaelangelo, you cute thing. I got a bunch 'o'stuff just for you. Are you ready and sweating yet?

I'm joining the fun on this reference of the week stuff. Unfortunately, I only got one and a half. One and a half, you might say? Well, yes. Let me clarify.

1. "Sleep well, my friend, and dream of large women."

Simple. The Princess Bride, after Wesley chokes out Fezzik (aka Andre the Giant) Proof that I am a chick, just because it's the one movie that I know almost line for line. Yes, I'm a sap. Hold me.

2. "That's a spicy meatball!"

Well, shit. I think this is a commercial, but I'm not sure. I've heard it, it's used all over the place...hm.... see, that's the half I was talking about. :)

Oh, well.

One criticism:

BAD: The footage of Barbara giving the Heimlich to Miss Kitty. Did they bother to look this up? If this procedure is properly performed, you break the ribs of the recipient. Kitty seemed fine to me afterwards.

I disagree. If it's done properly, the fist should be under the curve of the ribs, just below the xyphoid process (if you need more direction, two finger widths above the belly button is the area where the fist goes) and when the upward motion is performed, it should go under, not against the ribs. Breaking the ribs doesn't happen often; CPR will do that, not the Heimlich maneuver.

How do I know? I'm a certified life instructor and licensed in those sort of techniques. I've done it enough time over 7 years to know what I'm talking about.

Consider yourself squozen.

So snoogans. Keep on adoring me; I know it's far harder to stop than to start. Story of my life with men.....

...Hm?

And I'd look much better in the zipper tops and short skirts that Elizabeth ever could. Is that a challenge? Or can I wear even less? I seem to have found a pleated skirt in my perfumed closet.....

CyanIndigo
Seduction Artist for Hire

Gurgle...gulp...uh...b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b...my heart just stopped.

What are the odds I could qualify for CPR? Go ahead and break my ribs on the way to my heart, oh hot one.

She likes me, she really likes me!

From: "Matt Plunk" 
Subject: Heimlich 

I'm not sure if you're right about the Heimlich. You're supposed to place your hands bellow their waste line and pull upward, no where near the ribs, and if done "correctly" no medical procedure should injure you. 

Okay, that's two against. I guess I was wrong. Where the hell did I read that anyway?

From: Halkman26
Subject: wrestling thoughts 

Hey Michaelangelo:

Once again, great column! I especially love the vague reference part. Now I know you are appointing a King again this week, but, alas, I know I cannot win that distinction! I will however plead with you to perhaps appoint me "Prince" of Vague Comments, or the "Earl" or "Count" of Vague Comments, as I believe I only got 3 of the 4. I will list them below from hardest to easiest:

Vague Reference #4: "WHO'S ABOUT TO TAKE YOUR HEAD OFF?" - In the immortal words of Homer J. Simpson - DOH! I have no idea what this is in reference to. 

Vague Reference #2: "TWO MEN ENTER, ONE MAN LEAVES" - I am pretty sure that is slogan for that new BattleDome series.

Vague Reference #3: "THAT'S A SPICY MEATBALL" - Classic alka seltzer commercial from sometime in the late 1960's, early 1970's. Vague reference within a vague reference - the commercial was pulled after a while because of pressure from (and you my Mediterranean friend will appreciate this) Italian groups as the stereotypical nature of the Italian couple featured.

Vague Reference #1: "SLEEP WELL MY FRIEND, AND DREAM OF LARGE WOMEN." From my all-time #1 movie, a movie who's dialogue I have memorized from constant viewing: The Princes Pride. This line is uttered by Wesley, a/k/a the Dread Pirate Roberts after besting Fezik (Andre the Giant) in hand to hand combat.

So do I qualify as Prince of the Vague References, or perhaps in deference to Count Tyrone Rugen of the Princes Bride, I can be the Six-Fingered Count of Vague References!

Shockingly, no wrestling or Cyan comments this week.
John Halk

Everyone wants to be part of the court. Okay. Halkman, you got yourself a title, in honor of The Princess Bride, you can be the Creepy Albino Torture Guy of Vague References! Congrats!

From: "Chris and Melissa"
Subject: References 

Hello Michaelangelo,

The dream of large women quote comes from the princes bride. The hero tells this to Andre after he chokes him out. Don't know the other ones though.

I enjo your columns, keep up the good work.

Chris

Thanks! I enjo your letters too!

From: "Hoya Killah"
Subject: this week's column 

Again, a fine column. Well done. 

I have to applaud your mention of the Worcester volunteer firefighters. I'm not even from the Northeast, and when I read the way you described those idiots complaining about heroes -- you got that damn right -- I was really, truly impressed. Kudos. 

Nice column. Yeah, I missed the "Good, Bad, And the Ugly" this week. But I'm head booker for an efed (quick plug: http://www.latestwrestlingnews.com/discussion/) and I know how hard it is to keep up with the demand for weekly output (for me, a show a week; for you, two columns) when one has a life aside from wrestling. So completely understood on that one, and I can't wait to see your next column. 

A topic idea for your "Expansion Column": theme music in wrestling. Your mention of The Gunners in your last column proves that you are truly a great connoisseur of the musical form, and so I'd like to see why WWF is so good at getting theme musics over, while the WCW, with the notable exception of Bill Goldberg, has a real problem with this. Any ideas? 

Well, once again, hell of a column. I wish I could write as well as you. In fact, I'd like to send in some kind of writing sample at some point (yeah, like I'm not the 1500th person to ask!) and maybe they'll let me write for CRZ just like you do. 

Keep it real. 

Will "Hoyakillah" Schlickenmaier 
LWN EFED 

Using my column to promote your E-Fed. Shameless.

Hey, how about CyanIndigo's column this week? Good stuff! Go read it.

From: Bethebunny 
Subject: I'm one of your "both" fans! 

I really enjoy reading "on-site" reports. Thanks for your account. The whole situation about the firefighters really is sad. I heard today that two homeless people set the fire, and they are now being charged. What a sad story all around.

But, since we have to laugh to keep from crying, can I get back to wrestling? I just wanna know, did you get a good look at the women? Ivory? She's hot on TV, how's she look in person? Tori. I don't know why Chris makes it out like Tori is a skank or something, because I think she's gorgeous.

Also, you didn't miss anything on Nitro. I got so mad I cut off Nitro after Fatfella pinned Vampiro. Next week, I think Vzzz is gonna punk Goldberg in :30 seconds.

I did get a good look at the women. Ivory is hot because she's got a body that won't quit...kind of like a dancer's physique. You know? BB looks too much like Anna Nicole Smith for me. Yuck. Kitty is a little hottie and Jacqueline, well, she's definitely a woman I would not want to mess with. Tori doesn't do anything for me. I guess because I like my women to be about my height.

It seems the story of those Worcester Firefighters has reached shore to shore in the US and even abroad. The President himself is on his way here to MA to remember those six men. Again, my thoughts are with the families of the victims. 

If you wish to make a donation in honor of the fallen firefighters, go to http://www.boston.com/news/daily/08/fire_donations.htm for information.

From: "Sam Zimmerman" 
Subject: You're in Mass? 

Nice onsite report, Jake. The firefighters, if it interests you, have been covered out here in Detroit.

It's always good to see someone from my ole stomping grounds... lived in Kittery, Maine until three years ago - now I'm stuck in Detroit. :(

I remember the show in Portland where Savage became the 'King"... the Gahh-den show where the Mountie (WTF?) won the IC from Bret Hart... boy, those were the days, man... Now, I mostly stay home when the Big Two come round here... I don't remember a show I've been to here without three fights in the stands. I'll go again when Boston hosts a PPV. I remain....
-Sam Zimmerman

sjz69@earthlink.net
sam_zimmerman on Yahoo!Messenger

Who's Jake?

Yes, I am in MA. Technically, I live on the border of MA and RI. 

Detroit isn't a bad city. I spent one night there when I missed a connecting flight. I seem to recall having a great time. 

From: "Matt Plunk" 
Subject: ****SPOILER FOR RED LIGHTS. DO NOT READ IF YOU WANT TO KNOW***** 

SPOILER

Well, if you watch the tape, they talk about the "Orange lights" even though they're red. This is in reference to Taz, who should be appearing soon and are giving him an entrance reminiscent "Millennium countdown". Or maybe Chucky at last year's Halloween Havoc. There you go.

I got it, I'm gone.

And now to crown our next King of Vague references. It's an unprecedented event as our last week's sovereign has managed to retain the crown another week. Congrats to Kevin Nishimine!

From: kevinn
To: michaelangelo70@hotmail.com 

"Sleep well, my friend, and dream of large women." The Princess Bride. A surprisingly cool movie.

"Two men enter, one man leaves." Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. Not a bad flick, but the worst of the three.

"That's a spicy meatball!" The Mask. The best movie adaptation of a comic book to date (except for maybe The Crow), but watchable only because of Jim Carrey. Looking forward to Man on the Moon.

"Who's about to take your head off?" ????? Sounds familiar, but I can't place it. One of the Highlanders? Something written and/or directed by Tarantino? Marvin of Super Friends? Guess I'm not as big of a loser as I thought.

You said:
BAD: Hennig slapping Midnight in the right breast while holding her in an abdominal stretch. There are easier ways to cop a feel Curt.

What the hell was up with Hennig? Once is understandable (or not), maybe he was trying to slap her stomach and missed. But fifteen times? That wasn't Crash TV, that was Car Crash TV, it's ugly but you have to watch.

What's the 70 in your email address refer to?


-Kevin
The Loser Formerly Known as the King of Vague References

Kevin got three out of four and was the first person to do so. 

NOTE: The "spicy meatball" reference was also a commercial in the 70's (as mentioned in Halkman's letter above), but was parodied in "The Mask." I would have accepted either.

The last reference, which nobody got, was from the HBO Animated Spawn series. Spawn himself delivered the line to a street criminal before knocking the bejeezus out of him.

And, for the record, the 70 in my e-mail address is the total number of CyanIndigo references I will make before stopping.

Well, that's it for this week. Sorry no Vague References to play with, let me recharge to come up with some great ones for you next week when I return with The Good, Bad, and Ugly.

Until then, Keep your powder and your pants dry. Hey! There's a Vague Reference! Go for it folks!

If you like me, write me. All letters will be answered or placed in the circular file.

I am Michaelangelo and will be for a while.