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Michaelangelo

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THE EXPANSION COLUMN

Hey all you freaky fritters. It's Michaelangelo. Some of you might know me from my heralded weekly feature The Good, Bad, and Ugly. Never heard of it? Just read the critics' reviews.

"I read it every week, as long as my breasts are mentioned."

  • Cyan Indigo, Internet Hottie

    "Yeah, he definitely writes it every week."

  • CRZ, Wrestleline and [slash]Wrestling

    "Thanks for calling, we appreciate it."

  • Jeremy Borash, WCW Live

    I have decided to attempt a new column once a week to help put me over more as an Internet personality and to take some of the filler off my other column. Expect to see Mail Sack, the question of the week, and my own personal opinion on weekly events plugged in as well as...uh...some "surprises."

    Okay, so lets start with all the mail I got this week, and there was a lot of it!

    MAIL SACK

    From: "Matt Plunk"

    Subject: Tony Marinera

    Isn't he the same guy who used to do the "Lodi Stalker" gimmick?

    Yes, he is. I think his name is C.G. Afi. Apparently, when Lenny and Lodi were kicked to the curb, he had to be reinvented.

    From: "Wes Vansandt"

    Subject: Clique References

    Not sure about WCW references, but the WWF has had several mentions of "The Clique." When X-Pac returned in March 1998, HHH said something like "When you look to build a new DX army, you look to the Clique" and brought out X-Pac. Also, in October 1997, to set up Shawn-Bret for Surv. Series, Michaels showed a video of the clique incident at MSG, and made a comment about "The Clique owns this business" or something like that.

    Wes

    I had forgotten about that. I was thinking WCW and had not considered WWF. Thanks for your vigilance.

    From: ozzy

    Subject: Clique References

    Dude I love your columns, I check Slash Wrestling now the reports and The Good The Bad and the Ugly. Keep up the good work. Reading your shit makes me laugh each time.

    Dave

    If you like reading my shit, try reading my column! It's ten times better and doesn't smell bad.

    From: "Browning, Kurt"

    Subject: Guess it's time I said Hi

    Hey Michelangelo, I am one of the quiet readers. I found you about a month ago and love your work. Glad to place you on my auto read list. You are in great Company

    Jafo from Blue thunder

    Just another fucking observer

    Have great fun

    Thanks for writing. Don't be quiet! We all love to hear from you guys!

    From: "R Shaban"

    Subject: Erm...

    BAD: Sign in the crowd:

    We

    Can't

    Wrestle

    Think again, folks. Two words...Benoit and Hart.

    Erm... shouldn't that be, well, THREE words.

    Anyway, enuff of picking on minor details in your column. Just a question. By the way you write your column, I can't stop thinking you're a strong WCW mark. Is that true? And are you proud to admit it. I mean the other columnists "Mr. Mean" definitely is, and sometimes I get the feeling he is Gene O. himself. Keep up the good (bad, and ugly) work. You do a good job.

    Raheel

    Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the "and" makes it three words. My bad.

    I am a WCW mark. Always have been. No Internet wrestling writer is totally impartial, no matter what they say. I have a soft spot in my heart for WCW, but I try my best to not favor them too much.

    From: IcyNight1

    Subject: Hint...

    Your "Good, Bad, and Ugly" column is great, but one thing...not to linger on the little mistakes, but Curt Hennig spells his name "H-E-N-N-I-G" not "Henning." Common fault, but you'll see if you look on the websites and WCW TV they will spell it "HENNIG". Just thought I'd point that out...keep up the good work!

    I am as always,

    Blake J. Bowyer

    Thanks, Blake. Duly noted!

    From: "R Shaban"

    Subject: Title change!

    Okay, is it me or does no one care about wrestling anymore?

    WCW, full of wrestling talent. Vinny Rus. comes along, destroys the wrestling credibility and the ratings go (steadily) up!

    WWF have more wrestling than they usually had, and the ratings go (steadily) down! Don't get me wrong, I like wrestling, but if you're gonna have a 3-4 minute match, then they should be like the Owen Hart/123-kid match in the semi-final of the K.O.T.R. 1994 tournament. Take a look at it if you haven't seen it. That's how a short match should be played out. Full of spots and so on, and I have seem that mini- masterpiece about 20+ times (and no, I not that sad, just like good short matches).

    Back to the discussion at hand... okay, maybe the belts have a little credibility, but not that much, and HHH has not gotten over with the belt as a monster heel.

    This is how I see things:

    There are wrestlers that have such an impression on the audience that gives them heat that lasts, such as (classic faces) Warrior, Hogan, Rock, Foley and Austin (note: Austin made his biggest impression at WM13, which was when he solidified his fan base, but now it's dying out), and (classic heels) Rick Rude, Flair, Ted Dibiase. These had gimmicks that just squeezed the heat out of fans.

    HHH falls under the second type of heat-gainer. The booker must write something that gives him temporary heat, such as Verbally attacking Linda Mac, attacking Austin mit der chair, attacking Rock mit der Sledgehammer and other minor incidences.

    Giving him the belt does jack diddly. Belts are just, from a common stand point, given to those who are being push, sort of like a label saying "yep, he's being pushed everybody".

    (classic eg. Slaughter with belt 1991 Jan-Mar, never got over, only short term heat due to Gulf War, that's all).

    I'm a huge fan of the wrestling world. I am a mark. Though I read the net, that should techincally make me a smart, but I just read columns, fantasy bookings, fantasy breaking news etc. cause I'm such a big fan of "this world" I have to view, or get into all of this.

    Thus I personally still consider myself a mark. I've stopped believeing in the rumours and news from the net, I just read it for opinions and reports (CRZ rocks... sorry about that, could help myself...), just adds another whole dimension to this sports (ent.) business. I read opinions, that draw just more opinions, which inturn draw more opinions and then some guy comes along and bashes those that have such opinions and you (the reader) realise that these opinion bashers are also opinionated people. I've been read net reports for three years now, and won't stop. The more entertainment I get, the better. I don't care what people think, I just watch, read, listen and enjoy.

    So as a mark forever, MY OPINION in this issue of titles is that they're worth far less than they were along time ago.

    Down with wrestling... up with pornography!!

    Hey, how about a new WCW slogan, which is a play on their old proposed slogan:

    "Shut up and Porn" (reckon it'll work???)

    One thing I've noticed, Bob Ryder is sooooooo hated!!!

    Another thing, CRZ is sooooooooooooooooooo loved!!!

    (Wow, university life is good... I'm actually in the library on the computers and theres a very nice blonde (probably Swedish... who knows? who CARE!?!?s) sitting next to me. She sooo sexy, she WCW standard!!!)

    Sorry, Actually I'm losing track of the whole point of this e-mail, and since *she* is sitting next to me, I'm too distracted to bother to scroll up and find out what this e-mail is about.

    Check you later!

    Raheel "Can't think of a witting title to put between my name" Shaban

    Nice points all. I particularly like the bit about the blonde.

    Hey! You praise CRZ twice but never mention me once! Story of my life.



    THE BREAST PART

    I got quite a bit of mail last week from people who caught the references to CyanIndigo's breasts. Now, I refuse to comment directly on this, but I can tell you that I am not stopping now or anytime soon. If you want to know why I seem to be obsessed, you'll just have to keep reading our columns.

    So, nyeah!

    Well, anyway, here's some of the letters I got on this subject:

    From: Rob Byder

    Subject: None

    Lay off the incessant hitting on internet chicks!#$)*! It sucks and it's annoying!

    This guy's e-mail address kicked my response back. Ah well. I might lose 30 seconds of sleep over this one.

    From: "Guerrilla Radio"

    Subject: One, actually, two more things...

    Wow, you're about as obsessed with CyanIndigo as I am with Shirley Manson. And how WOULD you know???

    -EverLit, thinking why-y-y-y-y-y, yeah, superman's dead.

    www.geocities.com/everlit1

    Hm...how would I know? Maybe you guys will find out someday. I told you, keep reading...the rewards could be grand.

    From: "Alex Beckers"

    Subject: breasts, breasts, breasts

    Please cut it out with the CyanIndigo stuff? Inside jokes are cool and all, but for those of use who don't have time to read every column on Slash, we have no idea what the hell you're talking about. Other than that, great column this week.

    Oh, lighten up, friend. You will all know what I am talking about if you keep reading. If you don't care, ignore my comments about beautiful (and they are) breasts and just read the wrestling stuff. I sent CRZ about 15 pages of copy with about six lines of breast references. It's not that bad, really.

    From: Josh Frank

    Subject: No king am I

    Just to tell you, I have no idea what that reference was.

    But that's not why I'm writing. What in the HELL is with you and Cyan? LOL, I asked her, she ignored that question, LOL, I guess I will need to see that picture she's been promising us.

    Hope all is getting better with you. Mu life has started to suck too, but there's always some redeeming factor to keep me going, hope you found one.

    Soon to be the [slash],

    Josh

    PS - Oddly enough, Brian's voice in real life isn't that bad. No milk curdled, although it did make my dog bark. Long story...

    Picture? What picture? <snicker> Hmm...another clue?



    QUESTION OF THE WEEK

    Okay, I have decided to move the "Question of the Week" to this column in order to save space in the other, so let's take a look at last week's question first:

    How far is too far in wrestling? What angle or storyline do you think would be or could be too offensive to be considered? It can be one that the feds have yet to touch on or one that they have already done.

    From: "Guerrilla Radio"

    Subject: Yer column...

    There's only one angle that has really offended me, and that's this death angle, with the Big Bossman and all. When will Vince learn? I mean, using the 10-bell salute..they just shit on a tradition for the sake of 'sportz entertainment'. Fuck you, bookermen, whoever you are. A lot of other people, however, have found many more angles just as offensive, and unless Vince gets his head out of his ass, he'll realize that he's going to, if he's not already, be losing lots of business. *HE'S* the one who doesn't "Get It". And as for what else they can do...I don't even WANNA know.

    -EverLit

    From: Halkman26

    Subject: Good Bad and Ugly

    Hey Michaelangelo:

    Great column as usual!!! Regarding your question of the week - it seems the only angles that really bother me are the ones with Mark Henry: the angle about a year or so back when he received a "Hummer" (no WCW reference implied) from the transvestite (Sammy???) and the whole sex thing, but especially, the fact that he was/is having sex with his sister. A little too risque, especially with so many little kids watching.

    By the way, in your 11/8/99 Good Bad and Ugly, you asked if Hall mentioning "the Clique" was the first time it has ever been uttered on the air?? As far as WCW is concerned, I dont remember ever hearing it spoken before, but, I know of at least one time it was mentioned prominently on RAW. The day after Wrestlemania a couple of years back, after Shawn Michaels lost to Austin with some Tyson interference - Triple H cut a killer promo firing Shawn Michaels, appointing himself leader and starting a DX army. He went on to say when you are looking for soldiers to start an army, "you look to your heart, you look to your mind, you look to your blood, you look to ........The Clique" and with that and a Scott Hallish double index fingers over the shoulders point he introduced the returning X-Pac. As an aside, that was a live Raw and earlier that night on Nitro, Hogan had made a disparaging remark about "Syxx" saying something to the effect that he sucked and got fired. X-Pac cut just a phenomonal shoot promo on Hogan and Bischoff. As a second aside, X-Pac, when wrestling as Syxx, also had the single funniest line in the history of Nitro, IMHO: on the Nitro after losing the Cruiserweight strap to Jericho at some Pay-Per-View, Syxx cut a promo proclaiming himself still the champ.

    Sayeth Mr. Waltman: "Jericho, you didn't beat me last night!! The only thing you beat last night was back in your hotel room after the match!" Ha! Ranks right up there with Ross' classic line about the Brisco Brothers Auto Body Repair Shop and how Patterson was employed there part-time doing, "rear-end work". Hey! that would be a great question for your next column: the funniest line ever uttered in a Nitro or Raw!

    I hope this calmed your rant about not getting many letters!

    Halk

    PS - how about filling me in how I can take a look at what those hooters of CyanIndigo look like??? Better than Kimberly's???? I will write a letter a week for life if you send them to me (via email of course, unless, you can arrange a personal...nah!)

    Now this guy is in the spirit of CyanIndigo's breasts. Power to the people!

    From: MonsterMan316

    Subject: How far is too far ?

    Hey There,

    Rape is too far in my estimation. Of any nature, be it man, woman or beast. We don't need to see that. Any violence involving children ain't real high on my list of acceptable wrestling angles either. Racism is a hot bed I think best left unslept in too. All this hullabaloo about the Big Show angle being tasteless rubs me the wrong way though. That din't get mad at the cancer " angle " on Murphy Brown did they. This is fiction being spun here.

    I too am very high on Cyan Indigo writing talents too, as is evidence in my inaugural column. Read it ya want ta ....

    I am pretty certain she thinks you're the coolest too. :)

    Shawn Colton

    She thinks I'm cool?!?!? That really boils my potatoes!

    From: "Richard Craig"

    Subject: How far is too far?

    Perhaps I will draw some heat on myself for saying so, but I honestly don't think that there's too much that should be off-limits for wrestling angles.(except, perhaps for the ten-bell angle which I have read about on the 'net this week: I will get to see this on Monday, which is when my Raw tape arrives at uni. I agree with Lawler's reported commentary, i.e., it was *definitely* wrong)

    No one would ever say that the pain of surrogate pregnancy should not be a storyline on another TV show (as it was on Friends, for chrissakes!) or countless forms of death (ER, NYPD Blue, X-Files. et al) There should not be rules for these shows, and others for wrestling. After all, the WWF is practically an "action-adventure" series set in the world of quasi-sport, where the characters, instead of solving crimes or saving lives between their personal lives and stories, they *wrestle*. (Or maybe I am too much of a WWF "sports-entertainment" mark for my own good!!!) Therefore, I feel it deserves the chance to play out these STORYLINES as much as its contempories without getting heat for doing so.

    Richard Craig

    (A Scotsman living in) Bedfordshire, ENG, UK [slash] wrestling

    NOTE: This was a follow up letter to a short reply from me:

    Thanks for your reply: of course, your arguments are completely valid-I just couldn't acknowledge them given the point that I wanted to get off my chest. However, sooner or later (preferably sooner) the WWF will have to decide whether it wishes to be a cutting edge mature-themed tv series, and ditch the pandering to the pre-teens, (i.e. under 14) or if they wish to be a toy retailer.

    There is no way with angles such as the Paul Wight/Bossman one, or a rape? storyline they can realistically expect to continue to have their cake and eat it.

    If you choose to print my views in your next column, I'd appreciate it if you reflected my thoughts here, in order to balance my initial sentiments...

    Keep up the great work on our little platform that CRZ so kindly offers us...

    Richard Craig (A Scotsman living in) Bedfordshire, ENG, UK [slash] wrestling

    Okay, good answers. I have to go with the rape thing too. I know that these storylines are used on other programs, but late night dramas are simply not in the same class as "Sports Entertainment." I mean, when was the last time you saw an action figure of "NYPD Blue's" Sipowicz? Can you get a video game of "Law and Order?" No. There is a difference. Rating or no, there are kids watching and emulating the behavior of the characters portrayed on the show. That's all I got to say about that.

    For this week's question, in the spirit of a surprise title reign by The Big Show:

    In wrestling, how should championship titles be used, to put over wrestlers with lukewarm popularity (HHH, Show) or to reward personalities who enjoy a huge fan base (Rocky, Austin)? Why?

    E-mail your responses to michaelangelo70@hotmail.com. All replies will be printed.



    IT'S MY COLUMN AND I'LL RANT IF I WANT TO

    For this week, I'd like to talk about Pay Per View events.

    There once was a time when there were very few PPV's on the air each year, maybe 3 at the most. I blinked and now there are at least two-dozen of these things every year between the three major federations (WWF, WCW, ECW).

    Is it me, or does this cheapen the whole idea of a PPV? I mean it used to be that we looked forward to that big event once a year, Wrestlemania, and we knew that huge shit would go down.

    Now it seems like the PPV's are no more than glorified Monday night shows with the occasional title change. Eh.

    Not to mention the money it costs to pay for these damned things. You have to be very careful which ones you order, because if they suck, you feel majorly cheated.

    For me, I just order one each year. Wrestlemania. That's it. It's the CyanIndigo of PPV's.

    Everything else, is just RAW or NITRO lite.

    But that's just me.

    Okay. That's it for this first edition of The Expansion Column. I know the name kind of sucks, so feel free to e-mail me your suggestions. Maybe I'll change it.

    Until next time,

    I am Michaelangelo and will be for a while.

    Michaelangelo
    [slash] wrestling

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    Guest column text copyright (C) 1999 by the individual author and used with permission