You are here
Guest Columns

210

Main

BLAH

BEYOND THE SPANISH ANNOUNCE TABLE

I'm really not that angry.  I may come off that way, but I assure you, I'm not.  It's just that I see this whole big world of things that could be so great, and when there not, it perturbs me.  And when they're not great for stupid reasons, it perturbs me even more.   Let's say for a moment that I just bought a new SUV.  When I looked at it on the showroom floor, it was amazing.  Heated seats, huge powerful engine, lots of vanity mirrors for the ladies, global positioning systems, a TV in the back, and on and on.  It's what relatively cool people would phrase as "The bomb".  Let's also say that at the time of my sale, the company I was purchasing this said monstrous transportation device had incredibly good sales.  I mean, it would just make sense, big bad trucks, lots of features, and a good trusted name.  At this time, no other vehicle manufacturer had sales at the level that could do any damage.  So the company is riding high, and loving the profits.  But after I sign the check, (Yea right, like my checkbook balance is ever above $200.00), the salesman tells me they need to do some things before I can pick the beast up tomorrow.  Happily, I drive my Mercury Topaz home, relishing in the fact that in less than 24 hours I will have windows that go both up and down.  The next day arrives and I come to find that they have taken many of the features out of the SUV, and it's just a normal, stripped down truck now.  I, being me, get angry and demand to speak to the salesperson.  He shuffles around the corner with a "I just neutered a small puppy" look on his face and tells me that until they get some serious competition in sales, they can't just be giving away these amazing features.  Much to my chagrin, I make an off color joke about the size of his women pleaser, and I walk out, Topaz in all.  Where the hell am I going with this?  Think about it.  Until the WWF has an actual ratings crisis, they will continue to hold the goods.  They will market big things and pretend there going to give them away and they will hold onto them for a rainy, competitive day.  Right now the WWF is in that position, and they should be very proud of themselves.  We, the observing public made that happen for them because the quality they have put on in the last two years has been a level above the others.   That much is certain.  Do you think the TV show survivor will cast dullards next season, and fill the show with weak, boring people and easy challenges just because there ratings are high and the name will make people watch?  No chance, its bad business. I got an e-mail from a man in the UK who was speaking to me about how little ratings are talked about over there.  I, dorkus-malorkusly deleted it, so I cannot expand on his thoughts, except to say that it bugged him that it was so obvious when the WWF was and was not competitive.  I think it's important to hear that from someone who doesn't go online every Tuesday afternoon to check out ratings from the night prior.  Rather than surrounding their sandcastle with nerf gun armed kids, all the while continuing to built up their grainy fortress, the WWF is waiting for someone to come and step on it.  

Now, I do realize that the WWF put on a good show this week.  Well, for the most part.  Everyone seems to be hailing it as the return of Jesus or something.  Lita kissed Matt, Kurt gave a hell of a promo, Jericho wore a "He Hate Me" jersey, and there were a few good matches.  I enjoyed it too, but I also turned it off before the main event.  Why?  Oh I don't know, I love those fun mixed up tag matches and all, but I just couldn't stomach it this week.  If it were my birthday, and it's not, I would ask for a one on one main event on RAW.  That's all I want.  No interference, no stupid pairings, and most of all, no Stone Cold Redneck running in and pouring beer everywhere after he ruins the match.  Is that so much to ask?  I think not.  I have to go with Ypac on this one.

SCSA is by far the most annoying hillbilly I have ever known of.  And it ticker's my tape parade even more to know that Vince blows sunshine up his ass every moment of the day.  "Hmmmm, I think tonight.... In that very ring...you will cause a DQ in 3 matches, drink approximately 17 beers, pour them on everyone, and celebrate because you said so".  I just wish I could go to a gas station, fill up, and when told the appropriate amount I owe to the dealer, say that "My gas is free cause 210 says so".  Pour beer on the acne-laden teenager, and celebrate with the other customers with an angry grin on my face.  That would be sweet.  Does SCSA have a clause in his contact about this? 

 ---Paragraph 7, sub paragraph 3, addendum 5, clause 2:"You will be required to stop matches that you have no part in, many many times in one night, get drunk at work, litter, and do what ever you want."---

I hope HHH wins this weekend also, but I know he won't, because SCSA is the new X-Pac, at least until WM XVII.  On a Saturn note, I think I'm going to do a whole column on the guy who has been labeled the * beer chucker *.  I've got a friend who sits in amazement everytime that guy hits the walking penis with a Stevewieser.  Come on, the guy is a good shot. I did however love the Lita kiss.  It was eerily real.  The group I was watching with went dead silent, and we all just watched.  I'm thinking there's something going on behind the scenes, because I haven't seen that real of a kiss in a long while.  (Very funny assholes, I meant on TV)  I think its great.  They need a good set up for the Hardy vs. Hardy at WM, and what better way to rip the bro's apart than a broken heart or jealousy?  That is going to get good.  And it's the perfect way to top the 3-way tag match last year.

I thought since I've never done it before, I would make a few predictions for the PPV this weekend.  The following is what you may want to call "Nothing amazing or smart"

The King vs. Steven Richard's
It has been a while since the FED dished out some good out gratuitous nudity, so I'm going to go with the King on this one.  Then again, if I were married to the Kat, which I'm most certainly not, I would not want her flashing her fun bags to the masses.  So Maybe I'll go with Richards.  Wait no, Richards will win, the King will schmack him one good, and then the Kat with let loose the jumblies.  Yea, that's it.

Dudley Boyz vs. Edge & Christian vs. Old Man Walkin' with a Kane
This match could go either way.  You could say that E&C are going to get the belts back because the fed wants to build them higher than the Outlaws or continue on their Wayne's World popularity.  You could say the Dud's are going to retain because they deserve it after putting up with giving the spotlight to Canadia's ken dolls and the Hardys.  And you could say that the relics deserve the win because they've paid their dues or something.  Well, I will go with E & C.  They rock my kasbar.  And they are money in the bank for promo's and angles.

Steph vs Trish
This match will probably go for maybe 2 minutes before Vince or HHH breaks it up.  I think it will be pretty ok for the most part, but it is only on the card because many people will buy in hopes of a shirt tear or a lesbianic double knock out position.  I say it will be a DQ or no contest.  One other prediction, the King will say the word puppies more than 300 times during the match.

King Kurt Angle of Pizza Commercial Fame vs. The Lock
I call him the lock because he's going to win.  Now I may be wrong here, and that has happened twice this year, but I really doubt that Kurt will walk out with the strap.  Just like he said in his promo, everyone wants to see SCSA vs. Rock at WM.  I personally want to see HHH vs. Angle at WM, but who the hell asked me?  Angle will have a trick up his sleeve that backfires and against all odds the Rock will make it through.  Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

HHH vs. SCSA 2 Out Of 3 Falls Match
HHH will win the first fall.  That much is certain.  I wouldn't be surprised if SCSA laid down in an attempt to get to the cage.  Stone Pac wins the long, more than likely very good street fight, and the cage match is on.  And in the end, and I do think this match will go for more than a half hour, The walking phallic symbol wins.  Hopefully this will prove to everyone that HHH does do the job. 

As for me, I think I'm going to pick a fight with a friend.  There's this guy named Radle, and man do I want to power bomb him.  I think that would be the perfect opportunity. 

Question for the readers, simply because I lust for your feedback.
If you could change one thing about wrestling, what would it be, and why. 

Now I will answer my own question, because I can.
I would change the PPV system.  I would only have 5-6 a year.  Nuff said.

People, send me your thoughts, if they're good, I'll include them in next week's column. jengebreth@hotmail.com or if you prefer, getanotherday@aol.com   Until then, remember:  If you steal enough ketchup packets from Burger King, you NEVER have to buy ketchup again!                   
                                                  I love you America.

210
freelance

Mail the Author

Comment about this article on the EZBoard

BLAH

Main

Design copyright © 1999-2001 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
Guest column text copyright © 2001 by the individual author and used with permission